One day in high school my class finally experienced our first information coming from the teachers on homosexuality. My teacher pointed to the class, as if accusing, and told them that one in ten of them shall be gay. The class started looking around at each other. Searching faces, picking out the queers. I became the token dyke, and another very unfortunate soul became the token gay. Dyke, butch and lesbo became constant names for me. Being scrawled on my binder and its papers when I got up to use the bathroom, my stuff being thrown out, being harassed by everyone, being pushed, endless spit balls, being threatened to be cut up and beaten, and being called beast constantly. I dressed and acted like a man. It was my comfort zone. I changed inside the shower stall in the change rooms, always facing away from everyone. I just couldnt manage to be comfortable being who everyone else wanted me to be.
This had all happened before I developed a sexuality. It was almost a year in this before I had my first fantasies, my first interest in sex. I dreamt of women. I fantasized about breasts, curves, and thighs. Dreamt of making them moan. People continued to call me names, I continued to get frustrated with it all. I didn’t know what a Dyke or butch really was, but I knew I shouldn’t like it. I told no one about any of it. Eventually my interest in women was joined with an interest in men too. For women it was detached from comparison or interest in girls my age, the most of which I was worried to be near. I fantasized much about older girls, about nice big breasted next door neighbour types, and sexy women in the media. For men, my first interest came attached to a person. It surprised and embarrassed me. I knew a bit more of what opposite gender stuff was about. It was a confusing addition to an already confusing picture. Eventually I found out my interest in women had ties to the lesbo title. The whole matter was still confusing though and remained confusing for the first few years of high school. Then it was like I got a glimpse of the sorrow that was to come. My grandmother was dying. I had many unfinished fights with the woman, and this was the first death of anyone close to me. But it was nothing to the bomb that hit next. My uncle JR died. He was young, I am getting to his age quickly. He was so much to me. So much time spent with him and it was all loving and magical. He was teaching me to play guitar, about the stars, how to dive, snorkel, and clam diving, all about animals, about life, and how to live it right, about people, about university, my future and showed me how to love and want to protect people. He sang with me, we played board games for days, searched for perfect rocks on the beach, stayed up watching for shooting stars, watched the bats swooping for bugs up close, and had picnics with me. A short while after that my uncle Jack died too. By then I was already numb though. Already empty. I saw the world and all its shadows. All its darkness. And it beckoned me. I cried myself to sleep every night for many months. My eyes were always burning. The first time I went back to B.C after what had happened I started crying every time I was in the shower too, to block the weeping from this alien ‘family‘. I wanted death. I wanted to join him. I was obsessed with it. I spent almost all of my next few years in complete silence. I fought with my parents and any family I had left. They couldn’t understand me. There was more pushing to finally be a woman, but I held onto my comforts the best that I could. After a few years I finally talked to my biological father. I never remembered talking to him before. Though there was an argument or two first. Its not that he didn’t call. I spent every summer out there in B.C with him and his family. I just didn’t quite understand it. I had a real connection with my Nanas cabin and my uncle. I never had any memories with my actual father.
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By the time elementary school ended I still had a great deal of love for animals, though now a better understanding of how people loved to kill them. I became aware of the reasons beyond hunting for food that people would kill for and I was quite disturbed by it all, since I felt that we were just a type of animal. Also furthermore, in high school when I realized how little meat a person needed to eat. Yeah I know, I was a bit of a hippie for a child.
By the final year of elementary school I had just lost my best friend Justin to the lure of popularity and dating. I always thought I would marry the guy, its like we were in sync when playing sports together and it just seemed how the world worked that you would marry your best friend. When girls started to hone in however I found my submissive side come in and I backed off. I was scared about what would happen if I tried to put it to question. I was scared of asking him to just stay and keep hanging with me. Since I was no longer always with him, I was forced to spend much more time at home alone. Alone only in the sense though, since I had a good chunk of siblings running around our huge (and haunted) house. I started taking a liking to hanging out in my closet somewhere around this time and hanging out with my imaginary friend (:p). The strongest memory I have from when I was just getting into high school, was how alone I was at this time, but how it hit me hard when my older sister walked me to school and right to my classroom. It was something I held onto for a long time, even now it being one of the memories that kept me trying to keep tabs with her. Who would have figured it would mean so much to me, it was likely that mom told her she had to anyway, but oh well, I would rather think it was the first time my sister felt really like a sister. The next few years were full of reading, biking and hanging out (pretty much solely) with my girly friend whom had issues with considering me her best friend since, well, I was lame. I started getting into Wicca and fell into a depression. I spent many winter evenings sitting on the largest hill just outside town wishing to be back in magical B.C.. I sat watching the sky till I could barely feel my legs anymore, and long after I could no longer feel my face. I spent my summers sitting on one of the hills surrounding the pond, staring off into nothingness. I mourned not having the people who mattered so much to me in my life anymore. I napped while straddling trees out of town and felt the most comfort in being with nature. My home life seemed to be full of me standing there while everyone yelled and screamed at me, and me living in my closet or leaving the house for hours to just be alone somewhere. I remember one particularly scarring time when my mother told my step father that she was leaving and not coming back, slamming the door. Leaving me there. Abandoning me. I started to think about suicide. The world was cruel and full of hate, it was disgusting. Since it has become a fad to talk about some younger years I just decided that it would be better than just venting out anger everywhere. I am made of anger. And love, its so confusing. So heres my life in a nutshell, will find some time to come back and add some doodles of me and my shi
My mom was an awesome single mom, teaching my brother and I how to be capable, supporting, and unique. I suppose she was the epitome of a strong woman in my eyes and I had a great deal of respect for her. We lived in B.C. which was beautiful and still held so much of the wild when I was young. My family would go pick apples and berries, my mother would bake delicious things and we enjoyed fresh fruit and vegetables. It felt so pure. I would go on adventures being the leader to my two very tall cousins and many of the neighbourhood boys(previous to their parent realizing I was the cause of the ‘adventures‘ and them being banned from following me around all the time), searching for strange creatures among the wildlife just outside town the minute anyone left us alone. We managed to wander through deer, moose and bear territory unharmed day after day. Enjoying picnics while I was searching for the perfect bear to become my perfect steed or building a raft big enough for a group of us to go traveling. Sadly due to what has led to the failure of feminism for many years, my mom felt the need for a man and he became central. We ended up picking up and moving to Manitoba loosing my brother Michael, and gaining two brothers and a sister into my life. In Manitoba there seemed to be much less adventuring to be done. The wildlife wasn’t just right around the next tree or hill. Though I did enjoy swimming in and drinking(ergh) what is now called the beaver pond, and chasing white tailed deer and being one with nature, it was limited. Perhaps from the lack of mountain lions and bears near, I got lonely and started to develop a love for books, particularly fantasy. I ran out of books swiftly and numerous times picked up and read my mothers books, which I just couldn’t fully keep up with(like Anne McCaffrey with her style & sex and Piers Anthony with his extensive puns). I took a great deal of pleasure at this time working with my step father in his wood shop building things. I learned how to work hard and work with tools. Though I did like biking and fighting over who had authority in our area of town with our neighbour Lee(it was mine by the way, I always won the bike races, Lee, ALWAYS). Today is the day that I am recognizing Transgender Day of Remembrance, a day that makes my heart ache every second from the time I get up to when I finally fall asleep. I curl up to my blankets and pillow so tightly that it is as if it were me holding on to my friends and keeping them with me. Sometimes I see them go through so much pain and I feel useless for not being able to stop any of it. Life can be a torture. It was years ago when Ian and I first decided to start publicly mourning on the Trans day of Remembrance at the university. Something we had to do to raise more awareness of the losses. We usually spent hours ahead of time going through all the names. All the stories. The graphic beatings, the severe hate. We tried to remember all of those people that we could. So many beautiful people lost to this rigid and intolerant world. All ages, attacked with such passion and hate. People don’t understand how much this effects everyone. Transphobia can lead to the end of any life who breaks these rigid gender stereotypes. It has led to the deaths of children who knew nothing of these words and definitions. This last year a baby was killed because their step father felt the infant was not masculine enough. Every year the numbers are underestimated. Every year this continues. I get told that I am too passionate about breaking down all of the rules surrounding gender. I try to encourage my family to take a stance of acceptance and encouragement to express themselves. It never feels like the changes are happening fast enough. I watch my nieces and nephews get railroaded to hate opposite gender things, most answering back so quickly now their disgust in the others toys. Fast enough that you can tell they get taunted, quizzed about it from the adults in their lives. It will be another generation of people having to fit in these categories. You ask why I feel so strongly about kids toys.. Because it leads to showing your children how much gender matters. It shows them the rules. They grow up feeling that that is the way it has to be. That gender cant cross any lines. The people who murdered felt it was so important to stick to these categories, so important that people follow them, that they killed. They made the decision that because of this the life of that individual lacked worth. These murderers were children, they learned these rules in their youth. Become aware of this. Acknowledge it. I want to move forward into a generation of accepting people who will accept the beauty that comes with diversity. Who will never teach children such ridiculous rules. Where the hate is ended and people get to live without the fear. Please start taking the steps needed to create this world. Ending this hate is a cause worth standing up for. Let knowing these losses and remembering their stories give you the strength to help end the loss of life. I am in another phase of pushing people away right now. Sometimes I do too much, I agree to help too much, and then when someone takes me for granted that I am going to help out even more, I snap. I just get pissed right off. Then I just get in the mood to tell everyone to just fuck off when they are near. It’s a bad place to be. Most of my friends don’t really know how much I am like Jack in that sense. They don’t realize underneath it all, the reason why me and him get along so well is cause I share much of his feelings. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by hatred, typically involving my one job. But then I push away everyone. I have lost friends from telling them to screw off before I got to simmer down. It seems like the only two people who can help me get back are Jack and Chris right now. I am lucky to have them in my life.
Right along with that issue, I have been struggling with a specific comfort issue right now. I have not been treating my two girl friends right. Both of them have admitted that they consider me their best friend. Yet I cant even get comfortable around either of them. Compared to my good guy friends right now, Whom I often smother with hugs and curling up next to them affectionately, touch their hair, or play flirt with, I give these girls nothing. I know full well that it has appeared to them before that I am rejecting and just don’t like them as much. This is not the first time I have had such a problem, my friend Jeff too, that I just could not allow myself to be physically near. Luckily I had some girl friends who were very loving and accepting with my sexuality and smothered me, allowing me to break down some of my first barriers with girls at 19, or else my dating life would have been a struggle. With these girls its because the beginning of our friendship was tainted with a bad night. It was a birthday and we hit up the bar to take care of the newly 18 year old gal friend of ours. Their plan to try to prevent men from getting all over her was to make out on the dance floor, this didn’t seem to prevent them from hitting on them and grabbing but the guys persisted. I was told that I couldn’t try to help them out since I dig chicks too. I was the bi(I dig chicks or dicks) and it wouldn’t be proper since the two girls who were making out were very straight and I am clearly quite a Queer person. I had never imagined trying the idea ridiculous idea of making out with some straight girl to prevent guys from hitting on her. I came along because I am intimidating when need be, and defensive for my girl friends, I give a good look of death and have good reflexes, enough in my opinion to stop her from getting fondled all night. That was my original plan, hence why I found myself in a bar(I kinda hate all straight bars). Instead I stayed with purses, heard how everyone was molesting her, and was told about how it would be wrong for me to be around since I dig girls too and thus could do nothing for her. Over and over I sat their while they told me this sort of stuff, as I quietly sat there letting it get to me. It burned me inside. Since when am I not allowed to dance with chicks? Since when am I a pervert because I was inclined to be on the dance floor to keep an eye out for her? I get it, I’m the trans bi, I’m just a perv all around. You can imagine the distance I put between myself and them when dancing. You can imagine how little I hug them, or how I will not even really touch their hand. When they hurt, half the time I just sit there, its difficult to comfort them. I feel like I could be accused of something or they might start thinking I am perving on them. It has been years of them being my friends but its shadowed by how uncomfortable they make me sometimes. With my old friend Jeff, people accused me of wanting him all the time and he was my best friends boyfriend. So I sat and watched him when he hurt, when he cried and when he shook from grief. I couldn’t bring myself to even touch his hand. I believe the first time I might of ever hugged him was the day he left. I spent too much of my time feeling like shit in high school, having everyone accuse me of perving on everyone that I became well known through all my friends of NEVER hugging anyone. When I met up with one of my friends later when I was 19 and said my goodbyes they were completely shocked, that without thinking I hugged them goodbye. It was at a time when everyone was so accepting and loving that I knew how much physical contact warmed someone. Though, here again in university I find myself struggling. Burned by their words there are some people I cannot seem to hug comfortably. My lack of physical attention has been brought up however. I had to spend a few long hours talking and attempting to sit with my foot touching their leg, eventually being able to hold their hand to apologize, followed by a very awkward hug and a promise to try to lessen the gap of comfort between them and my best guy friends right now. So there are the struggles in my mind right now, my heart ripped out to be examined to understand how it works. Sadly it wouldn’t surprise me too much to find out that other people went through similar. When I hear of others ways through high school not being the queer one, it makes me jealous of what I could have had if I hadn’t been outed till University. Oh well, I love my friends much and live off their acceptance and love returned. ^^ Just came back from my 12 hour shift that was preceded by a short break and a good 25 hour shift. This thrills me to no ends! :D If I manage to pick up an extra 17 shifts in November and December it means, I can be ahead in all my bills, pay back anyone I owe money to, and buy a new laptop that can actually handle adobe reader. Which means that any money I get for Christmas get to go to happy time! Green contacts and my next tattoos are pretty high on my list of ways to spoil myself. I mean, whats not to love in taking pleasure in expensive ways to inflict self harm? ^^ The one above was my first tattoo. Batman is guarenteed my fave superhero, and is followed with my great love of Robin, Batgirl, and Batwoman. My second tattoo, I ended up getting ‘tramp stamp’d because of my obsession with symmetry, not due to tramp status, though there have been claims. It turned out pretty good, it took me much time to find the right symbol. If you didn’t realize already, spider-man kinda has two buggy signs on him regularly, one being his front spider, less detailed than this, and what looks like a giant bloody tick hanging onto his back like a hello kitty backpack. I guess if you are spider-man though, a tick would be the hello kitty of your world. Spider-man was the first superhero I loved and have continued to do so. The Ultimate Spider-man comic books are fantastic and just made me love him more than I thought I could love a character whom initials were PP. Or maybe that is why I originally loved him, I was pretty young, and it was a good excuse to say PP all the time. Lol, back to the point, like the big geek that I am I debated long and hard(heh) about whether I should use this one(from the movies) because then it would be like showing my allegiance to the movies which in all honesty would be completely inaccurate. Except for the agreeably horrid Spider-man 3 in which I had so much fun seeing PP(heh) strut his stuff, which made me laugh for hours after. Which brings me to wanting to discuss how much superhero movies fail, but I wont get all hate filled, for most, I can separate the two enough and stick with reality enough to not hate the movie which tries to play origin time for a superhero or some more teenager focused superhero cartoons. As much as I like to mention how stupid it is that say, wasp is carrying someone full sized over the ocean with her….brute strength? .. O.o?.. I tend to not mind the outcome as long as it doesn’t butcher who the characters are completely. Also ..Down with Pym! You crazy fuck! ^^ As for next tattoo on the list will be the green lantern ring directly on my finger. Thought about this one for a long time and decided, yes its bad to pick visual stuff, I am pretty much flushing my future as a bank robber down the drain with getting this tattoo, but IT IS WORTH IT. Green lantern was one of my firsts. ^,^ Cant wait to see the green lantern movie coming out, though Hal is a real cock, but the gloating bastard is fun. As for faves of the Green lantern corp as a whole, Kilowog takes the cake with Rayner and Hal fighting for second. Though I really should get to know Natu and Jade more cause they look like they have promise too, and by promise, I mean breasts. Next blog should include my favorite pic of Hal in all his sexy glory. Next on the tattoo list includes filling in the left and right sides of my Spider-man symbol tattoo. It was abnormally tall and thin, making it perfect for being accompanied by a tat on both sides. The first one was easy to figure out. I wanted a nice sexy girly tat, so went with the idea of Red Sonja, being a classic sex figure(also posessed MJ in a crossover, not bad for keeping a Spider-man-ish theme). The next placement was a debate between black cat and dead pool. Though black cat is a favorite of mine, its because of her assets not her stunning character depth. Deadpool is a fantasticly messed up character. He also has the wonderful qualities of being quite deformed and a loved character who loves to dress up in ladies clothes once in a while to taunt or shock everyone around him. I figured him being his sexy lady self would rock, especially next to sexy Red Sonja as Spider-mans sexy entourage.In my opinion they are one fantastic duo, though wolverine and Deadpool kinda rocks everyones worlds. As you can see, who doesnt want this sexyness on them permanently? If you havent read any Deadpool already you should do some searching, he is definatley worth it. Can you say no to this face? After these two, I am seriously considering filling the rest of my entire back with the superheroes that I love and their logos. I mean, what else is there to do around here? It is so freaking cold outside, but I am excited as shit! Why, you may ask. Because it means snow monsters and snowmen, and fun. This is some of last years winter fun and soon I will be enjoying more of it all winter long.... As long as I can find someone to run around with me in the snow. That is a hint hint to my friends. HINT HINT (just in case you didnt get that). I need someone to drag around town in the cold, prepare yourselves. Oh, and its obvious to anyone who read calvin and hobbs that thats where I got the original drive to make unusual snow creatures in unusual snow circumstances. That kinda doesnt take away from the greatness of it. You can expect to see much more pics of these throughout winter, the university is my playground. Have any ideas about what I should do? Toss them in the comments, that way you can see your idea come alive without you having to freeze your fingers off. :p I decided to finally go through the trouble of posting a bit of my doodles ^,^ I couldnt scan them, so just whipped out my camera for now. They are just glimpses of the drawings I do. My little comp cant handle uploading so I had to even use the university computers. D: It will at least give you an idea of different styles and feels that I have been playing with. Hope you like them. Also they are totally NSFW, sorry that I couldnt figure out how to make the whole thing smaller. ^^' My head is just pounding tonight, at least I have three cheese tea biscuits, a honey crueller, steeped tea and a couple migraine Tylenol to make it all better. Make that two cheese tea biscuits…*nom nom* Strangely, I found I actually loved the unappetizing thing when I was in the hospital last year. I enjoyed the variety that comes in hospital food. It’s the end of a long weekend full of work, being sick and sleep, ending with me having to now stay up for the next 9.5 hours to study for and then write an exam, then hopefully have the energy for the class, office hours, and meetings that will plague the rest of my day. Oh SHIT! My readings…Ugh. That will be my Monday night. ^^’’’’ Heh, Alright then.
I will start by talking love and attraction, it is always such a popular topic, though I generally seem disinterested in it. I wonder just how much more my friends have just perked up and started paying more attention to this now. :p I am stuck in a time when I just cant seem to gain much interest in anyone but one person, someone whose fondness of me is incredibly limited and isn’t going to change. The biggest problem is me though. I, much like many out there hate and detest myself. Always wishing to have more stylish hair, be stronger, faster and toned. Its nowhere close to where I would be if I hit the gym harder than I ever have before. It is my insecurities and hate for myself that has been caused me to drive interest and people away. I have always been a firm believer that no one can love another till they love themselves first. Essentially it means you can make the best decisions for yourself as well. Why would anyone who cares about themselves stay in a detrimental relationship. No one should be in a relationship because they need the other person. And who would put their partner through all their baggage. Also, relationships are time and effort, something that you need if you hate yourself to get your shit sorted out. So my love gets repressed, until I can start to like myself and feel worthwhile. Till then I will continue to be insecure about myself and my friendships. On the plus side, lack of a relationship gives me more time to deal with the anger directed at me from those who I have told this all too, but persist trying to get into my pants while I keep telling them that I am not interested. Also ever hear the phrase “Bro’s before Hoe’s”? Lets ignore the fact that that implies the other in the relationship is so disrespected for a second. Seriously, I am a relationship person, but I am not the type to ditch the friends to spend 24/7 alone with my partner. When a relationship is done, generally, you loose that person from your life, they can be your best friend and someone who knows you the most, then they are gone. I don’t understand why people would devote all their time to someone when there is pretty much a guarantee that you wont spend the rest of your life with them. Friends are at least generally there for longer. So I guess that just says that I tend to love and care for my friends a great deal. Now, I dont say this enough to my friends, but I know the search for love is something so strong in people that sometimes to not focus on it is difficult, it is just that in my life I am able to do it. I realize that without the passion of love, there would be a lot less inspiration that led to so much wonderful art and music. Alright, that blew away some time, study time now, with perhaps a bit of being Erica for study breaks(Attractiveness wise she is awesome). I wonder if I just do definitions and forego reading the text book if there is any chance I will pass? Lol. Will let you know. I hate Bio. Since this is one of my first blogs this year(and with a Christmas break coming up) I figured it would be a good time to toss out my goals for projects this year. The following are my goals:
Book of Shadows - This will take a great deal of studying and research, but most books out there to be used as reference are clouded with a lot of the feel for Wicca and lack many spells for the already practicing wiccan. I hope to make a personalized written book of shadows this year, perhaps using scrap booking materials so that I can adjust the amount of pages and have plenty of nice space to work with. Finish a short story - This is one that I have been working on already, I have described the world and characters and written an example of a chapter of story. I am currently working on the character design because I am determined to be able to add some illustrations to it and have been playing with the concept designs. I suppose the biggest influences here come from my background in reading tons of fantasy books over the years ever since elementary school and the morbid influence that I have gained from my love of Tim Burton. Though I do enjoy anime, I have only started dabbling in drawing it in the last few months, so am going to use the illustrations as a chance to really explore the style. Web comic - Am currently trying to convince my friends to start one with me (we could partition up the jobs to keep it going!) But I guess the most reliance is on jack….and he really does wander lots… Fill half my new Art book (50pgs) - I am just finishing the last 35 pages in my old one. Cover my two Canvas’s - Must. Paint. Write some lyrics - There have been too many times where I start with humming random notes and then work my way to my own rhythm, feel, and lyrics. Must actually get down to business and write it down and see if its tolerable when taken out of the spur of the moment context. O.o I suppose It would be reasonable to have the goals to not fail my classes or become homeless either. Those I work fairly hard to maintain. Will get more bloggy, and less compulsive list making soon, promise. |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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