I am in another phase of pushing people away right now. Sometimes I do too much, I agree to help too much, and then when someone takes me for granted that I am going to help out even more, I snap. I just get pissed right off. Then I just get in the mood to tell everyone to just fuck off when they are near. It’s a bad place to be. Most of my friends don’t really know how much I am like Jack in that sense. They don’t realize underneath it all, the reason why me and him get along so well is cause I share much of his feelings. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by hatred, typically involving my one job. But then I push away everyone. I have lost friends from telling them to screw off before I got to simmer down. It seems like the only two people who can help me get back are Jack and Chris right now. I am lucky to have them in my life.
Right along with that issue, I have been struggling with a specific comfort issue right now. I have not been treating my two girl friends right. Both of them have admitted that they consider me their best friend. Yet I cant even get comfortable around either of them. Compared to my good guy friends right now, Whom I often smother with hugs and curling up next to them affectionately, touch their hair, or play flirt with, I give these girls nothing. I know full well that it has appeared to them before that I am rejecting and just don’t like them as much. This is not the first time I have had such a problem, my friend Jeff too, that I just could not allow myself to be physically near. Luckily I had some girl friends who were very loving and accepting with my sexuality and smothered me, allowing me to break down some of my first barriers with girls at 19, or else my dating life would have been a struggle. With these girls its because the beginning of our friendship was tainted with a bad night. It was a birthday and we hit up the bar to take care of the newly 18 year old gal friend of ours. Their plan to try to prevent men from getting all over her was to make out on the dance floor, this didn’t seem to prevent them from hitting on them and grabbing but the guys persisted. I was told that I couldn’t try to help them out since I dig chicks too. I was the bi(I dig chicks or dicks) and it wouldn’t be proper since the two girls who were making out were very straight and I am clearly quite a Queer person. I had never imagined trying the idea ridiculous idea of making out with some straight girl to prevent guys from hitting on her. I came along because I am intimidating when need be, and defensive for my girl friends, I give a good look of death and have good reflexes, enough in my opinion to stop her from getting fondled all night. That was my original plan, hence why I found myself in a bar(I kinda hate all straight bars). Instead I stayed with purses, heard how everyone was molesting her, and was told about how it would be wrong for me to be around since I dig girls too and thus could do nothing for her. Over and over I sat their while they told me this sort of stuff, as I quietly sat there letting it get to me. It burned me inside. Since when am I not allowed to dance with chicks? Since when am I a pervert because I was inclined to be on the dance floor to keep an eye out for her? I get it, I’m the trans bi, I’m just a perv all around. You can imagine the distance I put between myself and them when dancing. You can imagine how little I hug them, or how I will not even really touch their hand. When they hurt, half the time I just sit there, its difficult to comfort them. I feel like I could be accused of something or they might start thinking I am perving on them. It has been years of them being my friends but its shadowed by how uncomfortable they make me sometimes. With my old friend Jeff, people accused me of wanting him all the time and he was my best friends boyfriend. So I sat and watched him when he hurt, when he cried and when he shook from grief. I couldn’t bring myself to even touch his hand. I believe the first time I might of ever hugged him was the day he left. I spent too much of my time feeling like shit in high school, having everyone accuse me of perving on everyone that I became well known through all my friends of NEVER hugging anyone. When I met up with one of my friends later when I was 19 and said my goodbyes they were completely shocked, that without thinking I hugged them goodbye. It was at a time when everyone was so accepting and loving that I knew how much physical contact warmed someone. Though, here again in university I find myself struggling. Burned by their words there are some people I cannot seem to hug comfortably. My lack of physical attention has been brought up however. I had to spend a few long hours talking and attempting to sit with my foot touching their leg, eventually being able to hold their hand to apologize, followed by a very awkward hug and a promise to try to lessen the gap of comfort between them and my best guy friends right now. So there are the struggles in my mind right now, my heart ripped out to be examined to understand how it works. Sadly it wouldn’t surprise me too much to find out that other people went through similar. When I hear of others ways through high school not being the queer one, it makes me jealous of what I could have had if I hadn’t been outed till University. Oh well, I love my friends much and live off their acceptance and love returned. ^^
1 Comment
Conniers
11/25/2010 05:39:21 am
I didn't realize how much of an A.H. I was back then.
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Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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