I guess there are two things I can update on right now. The first is the obvious, I kinda lack internets on my computer for the last few weeks. Which made me break down and do the whole mobile facebook, and even grabbing a quick twitter account to allow me some entertainment without the internet.
The second is that I am currently between packs. Over Christmas I managed to get myself addicted to cigarettes even though I have been an off and on smoker since I was about 14. Sometimes going years without, usually only smoking for a couple months at most, almost always 2 or less a day. I somehow got myself up to four a day and have been having troubles just quitting like I used to. I tried to cut down to one a day lots, but just get back to about three or two a day, I have been trying to prepare myself for the end of this pack but ended on two a day. It feels like my lungs or heart are starving. Its like they are yearning out for it. I have this feeling that a cigarette would fix it all. I would feel good then, not like this. Not needing, not starved. I’m fidgeting like some addict, and getting angry; frustrated; short tempered. I clench my hands into fists as a I walk then back again, over and over, as if looking for a fight. I’m on edge and antsy. My desire to punch someone right now is only matched by my desire to go buy a sledgehammer...I made sure to leave the library after 10pm. The corner store is closed, now just to get through tomorrow. ^^’’’’ Man do I just want to try cutting back to one a day, but a whole pack means likely a month of smoking one a day… Ergh. Also NO judgement if I do go back unless you are okay with a black eye, lol. Last week was rough for me and I just wanted to smoke away half the days and mope the rest. You would think this would help me get perspective but if the corner store was open right now I would be sure as hell going down to buy my next pack after writing this. Typing cigarette makes my heart weep. Sorry for being gone so long, I will go back to blogging regularly shortly, especially since I have a couple midterms coming up, thus I will be looking for a distraction or to get rid of thoughts that don’t need to be so front burner right now. Cheers.
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I had to trade in chances for creativity this holiday for some visiting time with my niece and nephews and a months worth of full time hours. Following my last blog I finished work, then went to go visit my girly friend at her place to crash for the night(slept pretty decently) before my fam`s festivities started the next day. I got to play some Phantasy Star IV(from the sega) that I remember my dad telling me about with great enthusiasm a good ten years ago. I also got into Phantasy Star III, Golden Axe I, II, + III, The Sonics, Comix Zone, Columns, and Ecco the Dolphin. All pretty good games to play especially while listening to some seriously random music. Also watched Narnia 3D, Under the Red Hood(it was ORGASMIC!!!), and am finishing Batman Gotham Knight(beautiful artists involved with unique perspectives). Am taking resumes for new friends who actually like animes, comics and video games now. Send to [email protected]. Lol
For xmas I managed to alter my stocking to be nightmare before christmas themed, as well as, got my neice and nephew to watch the movie for the first time. I spent the eve and day of, enjoying my bottle of wine, which is something I suppose I am known for in my family, wanting to instantly split our wine supply as one for the family, the rest for me. Call me an alcoholic, but you will be disappointed when you drink with me later and I don’t get sick drunk. :p It was interesting to write up what had happened in my past. One thing that particularly sticks is the end. It ended with my life becoming what others made it. I never did come back from being about everyone else to live my life. To remember myself. I remember getting to that point in the writing. I kept thinking, trying to write the next paragraph. I found nothing. My life just hasn’t gone anywhere, only backwards. Only on the back burner. I never have given myself the time since then. I’m not perfect in any degree. Its been a struggle to try to get back to taking steps to put me back on my list of priorities. I cannot convince myself that I am worth it, so it has become hard to not give in to others and make myself available. It was easier when I was with Trav, I came home to my life. I actually left school and work and went home, where my life existed, where they would listen about my day, it was just work, work and stuff, but not everything. It was the last time I feel like I was me. I managed to make some hard choices, sometimes using other events than just that I needed it, to help me make the tough decisions easier. I have distanced myself from some friends and family and completely ridden myself of others. I had to keep telling myself internally that some can just go fuck themselves to finally convince myself that I can not care and just try to do my life right now. Another thing that really hit while I was writing it was how much baggage I hold from Little Slimey. It really hit my next relationship hard. Lil Slimey was someone I was suppose to be writing for the last couple months, and recently took the steps to contact me, despite being cut off from the net or phones. I couldn’t bring myself to write them this last year, knowing that they wanted me to, because I couldn’t manage to keep the letter positive. I finally got word from them and could tell from the letter that they are going through a rough time, so have been writing them back finally, though I did not sensor myself, the letter is overall, quite positive and supportive. Huzzah to me. ^.^’’ Unless they just wanted sugar… -.-`` Then Ooops. Now to try to get my life in order. I have resolved to visit Kat and Kyles and their kids at least monthly this year. I will also try to get to the point of liking myself again. Perhaps one day feeling great about myself and my future again. Perhaps another goal should be to figure out what I’m going to do about Trav(game addict) and M(Antisocial?). Both of them I adore and try to hang with plenty but they have little interest except to brush me off. Its bad for my confidence to keep trying, but they continue to be on my mind, and thus I continue to tell them once in a while how it would be cool to hang sometime. They make me feel like a freaking stalker to ask it. Nicely enough though Trav has just let me come over when I told him that I needed to be around him. Perhaps I am drawn to the feel that they wouldn’t drag me into drama or start making demands on my time or life. Why I somehow have put my self value riding on their acceptance and friendship is still beyond me. The one-sidedness of it scares me sometimes though, worries me that I am getting myself into something that is just going to weigh me down, but I cant seem to throw them away, so I guess I will just try to determine when it gets bad, and then try to deal with it. On a positive note I will be booking an appointment for my next tattoo on the 14th of this month thanks to my Sis and her wonderfully painful gift to me. Meh, I`m sure deep down she finds it satisfying knowing it will be the most painful gift I ever got for the season. :p |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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