Sometimes it is difficult to face the problem of the future. Being in my later years of university I often find myself lost. Being in university means there is expectations. Everyone assumes that they are following a path that will lead to getting that career. In actuality this sets us up for disappointment because even getting through school doesn’t mean we will get what we want. I ask myself sometimes how far I think that I will be able to go before I find myself stuck trying to figure out what to do with my life all over again.
It can be scary thinking about my goals. Everything feels like its half luck anyway. The part of me that feels that my happiness lies within simpler things has been stepping in lately. I want a home with a big yard, 2-3 dogs, 2 cats, and a quad that I can take down to the corner store. I want to keep learning about various topics of interest, to finish reading Mr.P’s literature books that he gave and suggested to me, learn my martial arts, and be able to play some musical instruments with some competence. It’s simpler than becoming a University Professor. I feel like my life is lacking now because I’m following the latter and am unsure of how long before I find myself able to find the former. Part of it is that I’m scared of loosing what I have in friends and goals if I back away from school. I have spent a decent amount of time this last year pushing people away into acquaintance status. I wonder how well I will fair one day being separated from their paths in life, turning our random hanging into something that has to be set up. It feels like gone are the days when I had a handful of friends that I felt would last over distance.
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I had to trade in chances for creativity this holiday for some visiting time with my niece and nephews and a months worth of full time hours. Following my last blog I finished work, then went to go visit my girly friend at her place to crash for the night(slept pretty decently) before my fam`s festivities started the next day. I got to play some Phantasy Star IV(from the sega) that I remember my dad telling me about with great enthusiasm a good ten years ago. I also got into Phantasy Star III, Golden Axe I, II, + III, The Sonics, Comix Zone, Columns, and Ecco the Dolphin. All pretty good games to play especially while listening to some seriously random music. Also watched Narnia 3D, Under the Red Hood(it was ORGASMIC!!!), and am finishing Batman Gotham Knight(beautiful artists involved with unique perspectives). Am taking resumes for new friends who actually like animes, comics and video games now. Send to [email protected]. Lol
For xmas I managed to alter my stocking to be nightmare before christmas themed, as well as, got my neice and nephew to watch the movie for the first time. I spent the eve and day of, enjoying my bottle of wine, which is something I suppose I am known for in my family, wanting to instantly split our wine supply as one for the family, the rest for me. Call me an alcoholic, but you will be disappointed when you drink with me later and I don’t get sick drunk. :p It was interesting to write up what had happened in my past. One thing that particularly sticks is the end. It ended with my life becoming what others made it. I never did come back from being about everyone else to live my life. To remember myself. I remember getting to that point in the writing. I kept thinking, trying to write the next paragraph. I found nothing. My life just hasn’t gone anywhere, only backwards. Only on the back burner. I never have given myself the time since then. I’m not perfect in any degree. Its been a struggle to try to get back to taking steps to put me back on my list of priorities. I cannot convince myself that I am worth it, so it has become hard to not give in to others and make myself available. It was easier when I was with Trav, I came home to my life. I actually left school and work and went home, where my life existed, where they would listen about my day, it was just work, work and stuff, but not everything. It was the last time I feel like I was me. I managed to make some hard choices, sometimes using other events than just that I needed it, to help me make the tough decisions easier. I have distanced myself from some friends and family and completely ridden myself of others. I had to keep telling myself internally that some can just go fuck themselves to finally convince myself that I can not care and just try to do my life right now. Another thing that really hit while I was writing it was how much baggage I hold from Little Slimey. It really hit my next relationship hard. Lil Slimey was someone I was suppose to be writing for the last couple months, and recently took the steps to contact me, despite being cut off from the net or phones. I couldn’t bring myself to write them this last year, knowing that they wanted me to, because I couldn’t manage to keep the letter positive. I finally got word from them and could tell from the letter that they are going through a rough time, so have been writing them back finally, though I did not sensor myself, the letter is overall, quite positive and supportive. Huzzah to me. ^.^’’ Unless they just wanted sugar… -.-`` Then Ooops. Now to try to get my life in order. I have resolved to visit Kat and Kyles and their kids at least monthly this year. I will also try to get to the point of liking myself again. Perhaps one day feeling great about myself and my future again. Perhaps another goal should be to figure out what I’m going to do about Trav(game addict) and M(Antisocial?). Both of them I adore and try to hang with plenty but they have little interest except to brush me off. Its bad for my confidence to keep trying, but they continue to be on my mind, and thus I continue to tell them once in a while how it would be cool to hang sometime. They make me feel like a freaking stalker to ask it. Nicely enough though Trav has just let me come over when I told him that I needed to be around him. Perhaps I am drawn to the feel that they wouldn’t drag me into drama or start making demands on my time or life. Why I somehow have put my self value riding on their acceptance and friendship is still beyond me. The one-sidedness of it scares me sometimes though, worries me that I am getting myself into something that is just going to weigh me down, but I cant seem to throw them away, so I guess I will just try to determine when it gets bad, and then try to deal with it. On a positive note I will be booking an appointment for my next tattoo on the 14th of this month thanks to my Sis and her wonderfully painful gift to me. Meh, I`m sure deep down she finds it satisfying knowing it will be the most painful gift I ever got for the season. :p AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Making someone write 20-25 pages on one topic sounds like torture to me, I couldn’t see myself as a professor, asking a student to do such a thing. O.O!! The extent of writing like that drains all my energy for writing of any sorts. ^o^ Sucks the creativity from me, though that might be mostly due to it being research based. Though this is what I am going to be stuck with doing for my doctorate and masters. If I get that far. I am still waiting for myself to hit my upper limit of what I am capable of. Ever since first hearing about the theories of the upper and lower limits of intelligence, in psychology back in first year I have thought about it. I had realized that my range was so small and thus what determined where I landed within my range was huge. I realized how much little things would affect a millimetre movement. That Millimetre movement could mean the difference between me being capable of doing a honours worthy masters or not. Hell, I could work hard and somehow maybe I could even reach the full upper limit of my capabilities of understanding and theorizing and it could be just a millimetre away from what was needed to get beyond the theories out there, to get enough originality to accomplish my doctorate. I wouldn’t even know. All the work till then, and trying for the doctorate, to find that I just couldn’t wrap my head around an original thesis. It is quite horrifying to me. They even say, some can do it. Some cannot. I am fearful of being one of the ones who cannot. I will always be the type that needs to continue to broaden my knowledge. But what if that always just turns into broadening my knowledge base? What if I find my limits, and can only find fulfillment with continuing in the education system. There are plenty of things I still want to learn, plenty of things I still want to do. Ex. Biology, Chemistry, Astrology, Geology, learn French, sculpture, drawing, painting, 7 more years of piano, 3 years of violin, 2 years of guitar lessons, are just some examples. Not to mention white water rafting, some backcountry camping and hiking, maybe some decent canoe trips too. I still feel like I would become the professional student. I would have many tales to tell, I'm sure, but I would never feel an end. No closure. No finale. No sense of actual accomplishment. >.< It always made me insecure how Slimey would be readily applying newly heard about theory, to things, having a question of its applications in an unmentioned way. I needed time to compute and register a theory and its flexibility before I could start wondering how it would apply in certain rare circumstances. How stressful. My inflexibility to start applying new thought to interesting areas makes me feel intellectually impotent. Its like they got a hard on before I even knew it was a race to see who could first and I am stuck there looking at their impressive hard on, while I keep looking back at my deflated package, stuck because by the time I could get half mast and point it out, the ref has gone home and Mr. HardandReady already impressed everyone to the point of them all leaving with big smiles on their faces thinking, wow that was a pretty hardcore cock. Though what I may have lacked in ability to dive right in a new concept, I made up for in memory year to year. Recalling old theories and perspectives more easily. This is what helps me sleep at night I suppose… Is this what the less endowed repeat? “Its not the size, its not the size, its not the size, yeah, motion like an ocean, yeah. Totally….it doesn’t even matter” -.-’’’’’ ..........The truth is, I can hear them crying on the inside. CREATIVITY!!!!! COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DX NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! WHHYYY!?! Since this is one of my first blogs this year(and with a Christmas break coming up) I figured it would be a good time to toss out my goals for projects this year. The following are my goals:
Book of Shadows - This will take a great deal of studying and research, but most books out there to be used as reference are clouded with a lot of the feel for Wicca and lack many spells for the already practicing wiccan. I hope to make a personalized written book of shadows this year, perhaps using scrap booking materials so that I can adjust the amount of pages and have plenty of nice space to work with. Finish a short story - This is one that I have been working on already, I have described the world and characters and written an example of a chapter of story. I am currently working on the character design because I am determined to be able to add some illustrations to it and have been playing with the concept designs. I suppose the biggest influences here come from my background in reading tons of fantasy books over the years ever since elementary school and the morbid influence that I have gained from my love of Tim Burton. Though I do enjoy anime, I have only started dabbling in drawing it in the last few months, so am going to use the illustrations as a chance to really explore the style. Web comic - Am currently trying to convince my friends to start one with me (we could partition up the jobs to keep it going!) But I guess the most reliance is on jack….and he really does wander lots… Fill half my new Art book (50pgs) - I am just finishing the last 35 pages in my old one. Cover my two Canvas’s - Must. Paint. Write some lyrics - There have been too many times where I start with humming random notes and then work my way to my own rhythm, feel, and lyrics. Must actually get down to business and write it down and see if its tolerable when taken out of the spur of the moment context. O.o I suppose It would be reasonable to have the goals to not fail my classes or become homeless either. Those I work fairly hard to maintain. Will get more bloggy, and less compulsive list making soon, promise. |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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