A timeline for interest/reference May 16’ Doing fingerprinting finally for my name change information, with be a few more months until I have my name change certificate and new birth certificate. I end up updating everything the day after, all at once I go to get a new licence, update my sin #, bank& get new cheques, gym, university info(soon photo ID), call phone company, etc. Note that I picked a small and spacious place to get my licence sorted, but their computer still popped up with them having to ask me outright/outloud if I have infact had a SURGICAL sex change, after I had already supplied them with all necessary paperwork and documents. I lucked out that they moved me to a computer to the side to sort it out, there was only one other customer around, and staff were respectfully not outrageous or loud, at the surgery question they seemed startled to have to ask, and simply turned the monitor towards me to see the question and I nodded. It was actually outdated, from a previous year the government changed it so that surgery was not necessary to change sex on the birth certificate, not to mention that it is already changed at this point of getting a licence. (It is surprising once one thinks about it where transition makes it very difficult for a person to just live comfortably, one is often forced to out themselves in their life, handing out their previous name and gender into someones hands and praying as they look at you trying to decide if they should be calling the police for fraud because you obviously cannot be the person on your ID or health card. I hadn't been called the cops on, though multiple thought I was trying to be fraudulent, I simply backtracked and left quickly, was humiliated in public, or had to clearly talk about sex change stuff with complete strangers to stop escalation. At worst, I was outed to the whole store or restaurant them in their "Shock or horror" about how I look or that people like me actually exist. This risk comes up more often than one realizes, having a drink out anywhere, concerts, socials, buying a case to bring home, to police, while doing monthly blood tests, at the: doctor, dentist, pharmacy, gym, bank, university, and acquiring/renewing Identification. Then through many layers of the government while you try to update everything so that you can have a social life again. You wonder what these strangers will pick, a range from them suddenly realizing, horrified, and going to tell their coworkers pointing you out, to loudly exclaiming about "the sex change person" in front of them while everyone starts memorizing you or snapping your pic, hopefully not after they previously threatened to call the cops on you.) Sept 16’ Time for surgery, S U R G E R Y Dadadaaadadaaaaaa!! Top surgery time, this means the surgeon slicing me open from just inside one armpit to the other, with an inch and a half gap in the very middle. The extra fat, skin, nipple & areola, and lobules/ducts(for nursing) is gutted out. If you prep your place ahead of time (I piled pillows to help me sleep semi sitting during recovery, moved kitchen stuff I would use onto the main shelves so I didn’t have to raise my elbows to chestheight, and I attatched a stretch cord to my fans lightpull so I could get settled then pull within reach to turn off the light) it won’t be too difficult. For myself it was surgery midday, throwing up a bit after coming out of anesthesia, and waiting a bit for my stomach to settle before eating a bit of supper, getting a nap, going to the washroom in a couple hours, and tidying up the room before reading and sleep. The next morning I was heading home and making easy meals for myself. I didn’t end up using painkillers at all after I left the hospital but I do have good pain tolerance. The bandage changing was difficult and throw-up worthy, especially for the nipples/areolas which looked like they came from a zombie at first, I would plan a relaxed day following bandage removals. I remember saying that I was sad to say goodbye to my nipple piercings and my Doctor said that I could get them re-pierced afterwards, I looked at her like she was insane. I knew most people don’t get to keep anything that looks like a nipple, and that is how it ended up for me. Recovery went fairly well, EI was easier to arrange than I expected and it was 6 weeks until I was back to work, and the gym. Nov 16’ Body hair becomes more excessive, voice seems exceptionally low most of the time. It is a shock to try to sing still. I have heard it explained as trying to learn how to play a new instrument but I would say that it is different than that. It is more like picking up the same old instrument (say a guitar) and suddenly it plays like a broken saxophone. You try to play along to the song that you have played a hundred times but it all comes out as random saxophone sounds. First you have to find out all the notes you can manage, figure out where your natural range is, then work hard at improving the notes and moving around within your range. You have to learn how to use the broken saxophone left because you’ll never have a guitar again, since you are inexperienced with making reasonable sounds, it is going to take a while. I also am slightly convinced that a great deal of men sing a lot of songs with little range, more like saying the lyrics with some sort of beat in mind. It’s a good fucking thing too, means I can sing some stuff anyway.
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A Timeline for Reference/curiosity(2015-2016):
July 15’ Accidently come out to distant family(it had been 5 years since I saw them) provinces away before a wedding and was surprised to find most of the family supportive and accepting. I had almost cancelled the visit just to have the option of starting HT sooner but it turned into a significant change in my life. First time a sibling had introduced me as their brother, I was so overwhelmed it was like my body was having a heart attack while my mind fell into a coma. This was the first time I had family tell me to correct them so that they could catch the hang of it faster. Before this only a couple of my family members had tried out proper pronouns once or twice. I shared it with my grandmother who showed signs of being quite angry about it, to have her start pronouns right after the conversation confirming my direction in life and to tell me to be sure to tell the rest of the family back home that they got it, in 2 weeks, that it is their time to stop procrastinating and catch up. I return home to politely correct misgendering done by my family, much to their rage and extreme discomfort, except for the nephews, as I don’t want to hurt them. The family had previously punished them when they properly gendered me in the past and I love them too much to want them hurt. I start answering questions of my nephews about my gender openly and honestly just using words that they can understand. Including a particularly hard one where I was asked why at family functions I sometimes leave. It took a minute to put words together as I looked at the reflections of four of my siblings’ kids in the mirror, some of those eyes already knew the answer, they wanted to hear it, they wanted to know they were right. I tell them that “not everyone likes me for who I am, but only if I act as who they want me to be, only if I pretend for them. Sometimes I am with family and I feel like I am surrounded by people who hate for who I am and I realize I can’t handle being there anymore, even for you guys. I am sorry.” One of them says proudly that their parents like me “even as yourself”, another sounds disappointed and says, “I thought so. Yeah, not mine.” It is insane to hear that from them, and I realize that they were already seeing and feeling that negativity. I tell them that the real reason I go to family stuff is because I love them and it’s a chance to spend time with them, I care about them most. I give them a lot of hugs and they start to brag to each other that they knew I loved them lots, I was always spending time with them. It’s when I realized that they were August 15’ Was terrified of being rejected and having to wait longer, in the weeks just previous it was causing me huge stress and even serious depression symptoms, I was fixated on being rejected or being delayed more. Bloodwork is acceptable, start of hormone therapy, henceforth weekly shots to thighs, more bloodwork ordered of course… I quit smoking out of relief and spend the entire afternoon going from drug store to drug store trying to find one that carries my prescription. I give up, and start collecting from each drug parts of my prescription until I have what I need. It is not fun stabbing yourself in the leg with a ridiculously long needle, but weekly stabbings becomes my life. Sept 15’ Family thing, I end up spending some time near a batch of siblings and I stand to correcting. Everyone seems to be uncomfortable and I feel that I shouldn’t be here but before I can escape, I see one I haven’t got to see yet, she walks up, smiles and casually refers to me as uncle Kris to the kids. It’s like it changes the tune of the people around me, it’s the first time I hear some of those siblings ever try out the proper pronouns. The lack of aggression is a huge relief. Nov 15’ My voice just cuts out when I am singing to music. I don’t have the range I am used to anymore; I realize that my voice really is a new instrument now, I can’t sing naturally because half of those notes just don’t play anymore, it is like I have to actively move my fingers up an octave before I sing. It reminds me of my cats ‘broken meows’ that just come out as an open mouth and a whisper of air. I start putting on music showery to practice using and knowing my range. Dec 15’ Referred to Counsellor in the big city to be tested for approval for finding surgeon. It was laid back and I wasn’t stressed about being rejected, so I was in good spirits. It was lengthy but alright. Feb 15’ Referred to a Surgeon Sept 15’- Mar 16’(7months point) Voice has dropped slowly and fairly steadily the last 6 months. Cracks in voice typically only happen when I decide to take advantage of this for comical purposes. Noticeably my arms get hairier, especially in the upper arms and arm pit hair grows to normal abundance. Upper thigh hair gets thicker and darker and extends up my butt and spreads to stomach, back, and a thinly on my chest. Start of some stray hairs appear on my chin then turn into a big patch of inch and a half long dark hairs and cm long whisps of light hair all over my cheeks and jawline turn into one side of my face having dark sideburns coming in, and reaching down my jaw. Telling me mum that when I came up in conversations that I would prefer that I was still referred to properly, that I can’t help but feel if it’s hidden that it’s because she is ashamed of me. I don’t like needing to ask it of her, but as it stands I cannot be near most family and I don’t want to continue to live like this. I want to be able to live properly one day, so this is the path I must take. A Timeline for Reference/curiosity(2004-2015):
04’ From years of considered unacceptable in friends and families eyes for dressing like a man through high school, I decided to hand the reins over to my life, I wore what people wanted, did what people wanted, dated who people wanted me to. This ended up meaning that I was used and abused by friends, gained limited acceptance and a feeling like I was a shell, not a person. 08’ I had surrounded myself with friends that love unconditionally and discovered that Trans didn’t mean a lifelong sentence of harassment and never fitting in. That it included the thoughts and feelings of a person, not how hard they visibly tried to constantly be the opposite gender to no avail. I only knew what I saw, and that was a lot of negative and painful stereotypes and transphobia. A positive and accepting partner meant that I could cherish the label of Trans, cut my hair off and start to find my self again without losing their support. My best friends god kids referred to me as Uncle Kris, and I outright felt like I was going to be attacked for it, when I realized no one around me cared to harass me for it, it became my lifeline. As an activist I had decided that I wanted to take the appropriate steps, finding out after these if hormones was a later step. First step was breaking down gender conformity rules, shedding fear, and expressing myself. I also learn that Gender Fluidity is a thing but I continued to lean to being androgynous and passing as male. 12’ My family had the beginnings of knowing of the extent of things. It was beyond my talk of changing my name, and jokes of needing to get one of my brothers to agree to be the new girl, if I were to be out. I notified me mum that I will be going on hormones and I will be changing regardless of anyone. I had battled my demons, ideas of never being accepted and being treated as trash for the rest of my life, and had decided that being myself on the outside and finding acceptance, even of one person outweighed everything else. It was something that was absolutely necessary for me to continue with life. I met a lot of resistance, and family start to put up such a fight. I am mortified that those that I felt would have my back most, refused and rejected this. I had honestly felt that this continuing rejection of me would just lead me to take the only free way out, death. I sketched out an idea of moving to a distant city, cutting off ties with family over a couple months and trying to die unnameable. I fantasized about ways I could accomplish being so unrecognizable that I could have an ungendered burial. It would have been the ultimate horror to have me misgendered or misnamed on a tombstone. 14’ I was already living as they/them, preference he/him, as a male but it was not accepted by family. Dec 14’ Due to families comments of disgust and hatred towards Trans individuals when watching a movie featuring a Trans character who is humiliated and stripped in front of the public for passing, I leave families home on the edge of the city on Christmas morning, to begin a very long walk back home to spend Christmas in bed alone. The cold wind biting at my face while I smoked until I was sick, these things expressed my feelings nicely and helped me keep a cool head(ha ha ha, sorry, puns are my best friends). At this point this is where I want to be most, the walk, then home, safe, and dealing. April 15’ I am happy Trans Clinic is now available in a town near me, not a good 3 hours away, a future somehow seems within reach now. June 15’ Intake meeting and paperwork to be a patient of Trans Clinic, Blood work forms When considering blogging again I found myself going back to my first post to see where I had taken things back then. It was incredible to look at goals from 6 years ago. Back when goals weren’t about grades, paperwork, university, careers, or jobs. It has been a long time since I have made some short term goals about creativity. So lets try it out again.
-Fill half a sketch book (50pgs) -Paint 2 canvases -Start with blogging and see about continuing the short stories -Finish the backyard bug hotel -Read a dozen books Maybe I will try to post here and there when I have made some progress? Coming soon: My path, being Trans. I find myself so frustrated lately, and I do promise that I will concentrate on lighter things shortly, having all these worries floating through my head right now like:
Is my younger brother really moving backwards in acceptance in my transition? Will my mother continue sabotaging me, trying to make it harder so that I give up? Is my older brother really healthy for my trans and gay friends to be around will he accept me? Will my sister cut me off from my neice and nephews? How far will my step fathers rage go? Did I really screw up my schooling beyond any hope to fix it? How many years before my student loans debt is gone? How much longer after that will I ever have credit? Will I be fifty before I can ever hope to get a mortgage for a home? Will I be in the closet at work for the rest of my life? Will I still hate myself when I start visibly changing more? Will I be ugly? Can I trust anyone to talk to... Its been so long since I've hung around with any lgbt friends, I miss the acceptance and the use of gay in any positive sense of the word. The transgender day of remembrance was painful this year, I am stuck hiding and quiet. I keep trying to get things that I have always wanted, that I used to want, because it fit in my minds picture of what my cozy dream home would hold. As if one could collect enough pieces to complete the puzzle and solve life. I find myself having a hard time seeing into a future anymore though, I go by old pictures and old lists, pretending that they are still there. All I see when I try to look to my future is a short strip of the road left. I think of all the obstacles and how I can ever live with one of them continuing negatively and it feels like It is just a matter of time before the road runs out. I must report, Booster Gold is getting more love from me than Deadpool. He is just so damn funny.
Lets see, about to go camping with the bears and have been thinking lots lately that I really need to do my goodbyes(I have a bit before but its super dated). Since I have like no time right now I suppose this will be my last few sentences then, in case such events do unfold. Shawn, I love you lots. I’d probably follow you anywhere since I’ve just always felt that with you by my side I would always be happy, it is not anything I have felt with anyone else. If my career potentials, my capabilities were all shit you would think I would hate life, but I would be happy as long as I’m around you. The only time I could see myself unhappy while with you, is if our futures no longer had each other. Thanks for being my best friend for so long and respecting me so much. Alright, that out of the way, mom, you are inseparable from my life. I am unsure if I could handle not talking to you for more than a week. You are such a part of who I am in every way. Anyone who cannot see how fantastic and wonderful of a person you are is the biggest fool. My goal is to make so much money someday that I can see your dreams come forth. I hope to have a wonderful place where you can visit in a beautiful bedroom, and you can admire a wonderful comfortable library of mine. Bj, You are my brother in the strongest sense of the word. You and mom are my life. I love you guys. I love having you guys as such a big part of my life. I love sharing d&d and friends with you, because it means we will always have such good times to reflect back on and to make. I am so very proud of you. Take care of mom for me. She has been so under appreciated her whole life, but we would be broken messes without her. It’s a testament to how much she does for us and how much she gives us a feeling of home no matter where we are. She has given us her life. Let us tell her at least now, when we can realize it, how much we appreciate the years of her life she spent completely taking care of us. Gotta make it quick now, need to sleep. ^^ Michael P, I always hope for your happiness, I want you to find that special perfect someone that appreciates you as much as you appreciate them. It will happen! If I can adore you this very much, then you will find someone soon enough with less boobs who feels that too. Michael M, I love you, you who gave me the world of d&d, the thing in which I love most of this world (besides meeting amazing people). Brandon, I am proud that you are such a wonderful kid, seriously, one of the best I’ve ever known, you and BJ give me hope of the future. The nieces and nephews, each one of you guys I have various wonderful stories with, and wonderful experiences with. Let your individuality shine! Embrace who you are. I have high hopes that you will be fantastic people when you grow up. You each are very strong so remember to take care of others. Not everyone is as strong as you, or has as much support, be sure to stand up for what is right. I hope your future holds less pains as mine has, and at least as much love, it has kept me going. Remember that Grandma and bj will always have your back no matter what. Tony, continue being a great mom, you are a role model to all other parents. As always, I hope for nothing but happiness in your life, you most certainly deserve it. Jack, Never quit giving what you have to the world, your words, your art, is rough, real and unimaginable, the world needs quality artists like you around to open peoples eyes. Nana, knowing and being able to talk to you about anything still, my whole life, without worries of sugar coating or walking on egg shells is the best thing ever. I have a constant feeling of relief and happiness in knowing how real of a relationship we can have. You, like mom, made me who I am, with my loves, feelings and imagination, without you guys I’d have no heart. Your acceptance and your passion in these matters just overwhelm me. I feared losing you when I came out, and ended up gaining your passionate feelings about the lgbt issues I’ve both faced and fought. Time to sleep for now for camping time. This basement is full of longing. JR I still miss and love you more than anyone, when my death finally comes let me be with you again. I regret not writing to each of the kids individually, and leaving a note for alex. <3 I will come back and finish this up a bit more soon. No lies, the weekend was wonderful, it has been a long time since I didn’t hate myself every single day and had to struggle with wanting a way out over dealing with so many evil fuckers. Today I had to take care of some particularly frustrating things that tend to piss me off. A big chunk would be the constant struggle for our Quiltbag (lgbt) campus group’s fight for our funding assured to us seven years ago. Months after starting the process of explaining every dollar of our budget and where it goes and in which order it will go to things, we are still being told to jump through more hoops in hopes of getting any funding. I am a peace loving hippy, but the rage and hatred they manage to get out of me is not easily abandoned. Never have I wished people to die violently as much as I have them. I spare no applause for the new variety of ways they seem find to rape us every year. We started so strong with some lgbt in the students union executive when our group was first created and it has just been downhill from there, soon we will have no support in any way from them. Already having events has been crushed this year, first our bar nights(only queer bar scene in the city) then any other on campus events, all our resources have been lost, and now any funding. We are finding no way to rebuild what we had in the very beginning seven years ago, at least with any support of our campus's students union(which is typically where our group on a campus would get funding).
Yup, so full of Rage that it’s not funny. No, seriously, I'm a Wiccan hippy. My murderous rage is not funny it feels like my soul is being tainted by this hatred. Beyond these last few years I had never wished ill upon anyone. So, this will be my first attempt to type up what may have been the scariest day of my life. I was at a friend/acquaintances place when I came across one of my mother’s status updates that freaked me out. It was a coax to a friend of the family to come home, that everyone was getting worried that they were missing. I started texting my mom right away, having some anxiety that they might be taking off out of town and I might not have another opportunity to see them. I started calling and texting. Something felt wrong and I found out that my step father was actually driving around town in hopes to track him down. As embarrassing as it was to really bug my step father about coming with him I kept texting him. Tea club dissipated and instead of catching a ride home I felt a need to walk. I walked straight to the mall nearby. I was watching for the red car that my friend was supposed to be in. I was feeling sick and couldn’t pass a red car without making sure it was at least empty. Was he with friends hiding out so that he wouldn’t have to deal? Taking off right out of town? Or was he just sitting in the car with the weight of his problems?
I felt stupid, people probably think that I’m looking for unlocked cars, but I continue to the mall, but I don’t feel right, I can’t distract myself at all. I feel like I’m going to see him soon, run right into him. I would give him a solid punch to the arm for scaring people. I feel so embarrassed that I still feel sick and cant distract myself, I had stuff I should pick up but I can't. Every time I stop for a minute I feel like I’m going to throw up, I had to be outside. I keep walking, Timmies, everyone loves Timmies. No luck, I keep checking the parking lot. I walked over to the far corner of the lot where the semi's park and I hear it. “Oh my god! Someone call 911!” I ran over right away. In my mind it hit me that it was a red car, but it still felt like it couldn't be my friend. I got around to the drivers side fast as they opened the door and reached in to pull out my friend. There was blood everywhere. They kept saying his name over and over, now all of them freaking out and calling 911. They were sobbing and talking to the dispatcher while I checked him over. A few tears came to me, this was my friend, feeling like this was the only way out or at least the least painful way. The whole thing was what you would expect in a horror movie. He was covered in blood along with half the car. Thick gashes up both of his arms, deep cuts spread wide open as if someone started to use him for dissection. With throat slit and multiple arteries hit, there was blood all over the car. His arms were too much of a mess to try to start getting him clean. The best we could hope for is keeping him conscious and stopping the bleeding. We lucked out that everyone found him when we did. Most of the cuts were clotting and he managed to keep conscious. I kept track of what I could, watching his breathing, checking his pulse, and checking his skin for changes, what I could remember about my first aid training. His sister came over to watch him and I kept an eye on everything to make sure there were no changes. Once the paramedics arrived I reassured his family that I felt he would be fine and was doing good, and asked if I could catch a ride with them to the hospital, explaining finally who I was. Once I was at the hospital I just broke down. I have lost too many people I love, and almost lost him too. So many times he had tried to talk to me in the past months. I would talk to him then, but outside then I stayed away. Through ups and downs with his spouse, I felt I would only complicate his life. We had first met when he was around 14, I suppose I was 9, he had started working for my step father and was on his own already. Though I was quiet and shy he was nice to me. He became a part of our family(which tends to take in people with no family) in no time at all and he treated me better than anyone I knew. In fact, when some of my peers started taunting me when I was with him he shut them down. He started talking to me whenever he was stressed or trying to figure out life, not saying much to most of his peers. I was quiet but very observant because of it and was able to give him pretty good advice when he needed it. He was definitely considered to be fresh meat even at 17 and had quite a bit of attention. He tended to loose his shirt at parties and women tried to get into his pants all the time. I'm unsure of when but eventually I noticed him too. It was a bit odd for me that he could be so pretty. I suppose it was through having an intimacy with him of sorts that I developed my first guy interest. Don't get me wrong though, he was one of the few I could trust and never peeved out on me. My siblings and step father would try to bug me about him to see if I ever fancied him like the other girls, but it never worked on me. No one really knew that I adored him so much. He must have been about 19 when he started dating a new girl that he really ended up sticking with, this was when we just stopped talking regularly. It had been depressing to loose touch and have to be like strangers when I saw him after that. It had only been the beginning of this last summer when we had some good chats. After he tried to end his life I would wake up every day and just start feeling worse and worse until I saw him. Over those next two weeks I went early to see him and stayed late in the evenings until I had to run off to work. Its not that I thought something bad was going to happen that caused the anxiety though. It was just that between what had happened and almost loosing him it was like my heart couldn't take not being near them. As if I couldn't really function anywhere else, when they were in the room I finally could relax. They fulfilled my selfish requests and insisted I was always welcome. Over time I was able to calm the anxiety more and let them resume their life more. One day in the hospital I heard him try to recall anything from the day and he told everyone that at this one point he had felt so comforted and soothed by whoever it was talking to him. To my thrill he described when I was talking with him and he asked everyone who it had been. I kept quiet and was happy that I had actually gotten through to him, I had told him that I wanted him to hold on because I couldn't stand to loose him again. I'm happy that I was able to be there for him. As horrific as it was to see someone I love so much almost die in front of me, at least I was forced to show I really cared and we managed to reconnect. Over the past few months I have enjoyed hanging out with him and getting to know his kids. One of these days you will die. Someone I love, and hate greatly. I will never shed tears for you. After all your violence and your hate I will fight showing relief when you die. It is not my fault for hating you so much, I fought this feeling through many years. I just cannot forget, and thus, can never forgive you. I prayed often when younger that the gods would show mercy on my mother and kill you. I prayed that she would find the strength to leave you. You are a person full of hate and violence. I know a great deal of that is the only thing that you know. I know your life was full of violence before your family came to be. I had years of memories, not all terrible. You were a father to me occasionally, between drinks. But I cannot forget. Thus, I can never forgive. When the day comes you die, I will fight the relief. The violence will end with you.
~A warning that this gets detailed and very violent from here on. This is where Connors, Whit and my birth father (though highly unlikely to ever read this) specifically need to stop reading if you ever get to this point, because I know these things will honestly make you physically ill. If my sister or brother(again quite unlikely) ever read this, it is up to you whether you want continue, I am sorry however if you ever do even get this far, this will put the pieces together for you as well and its hard understanding what was going on. I love you guys.~ If you wish to continue onto part II, the just click the Read more button right....below................Here......... |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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