So, this will be my first attempt to type up what may have been the scariest day of my life. I was at a friend/acquaintances place when I came across one of my mother’s status updates that freaked me out. It was a coax to a friend of the family to come home, that everyone was getting worried that they were missing. I started texting my mom right away, having some anxiety that they might be taking off out of town and I might not have another opportunity to see them. I started calling and texting. Something felt wrong and I found out that my step father was actually driving around town in hopes to track him down. As embarrassing as it was to really bug my step father about coming with him I kept texting him. Tea club dissipated and instead of catching a ride home I felt a need to walk. I walked straight to the mall nearby. I was watching for the red car that my friend was supposed to be in. I was feeling sick and couldn’t pass a red car without making sure it was at least empty. Was he with friends hiding out so that he wouldn’t have to deal? Taking off right out of town? Or was he just sitting in the car with the weight of his problems?
I felt stupid, people probably think that I’m looking for unlocked cars, but I continue to the mall, but I don’t feel right, I can’t distract myself at all. I feel like I’m going to see him soon, run right into him. I would give him a solid punch to the arm for scaring people. I feel so embarrassed that I still feel sick and cant distract myself, I had stuff I should pick up but I can't. Every time I stop for a minute I feel like I’m going to throw up, I had to be outside. I keep walking, Timmies, everyone loves Timmies. No luck, I keep checking the parking lot. I walked over to the far corner of the lot where the semi's park and I hear it. “Oh my god! Someone call 911!” I ran over right away. In my mind it hit me that it was a red car, but it still felt like it couldn't be my friend. I got around to the drivers side fast as they opened the door and reached in to pull out my friend. There was blood everywhere. They kept saying his name over and over, now all of them freaking out and calling 911. They were sobbing and talking to the dispatcher while I checked him over. A few tears came to me, this was my friend, feeling like this was the only way out or at least the least painful way. The whole thing was what you would expect in a horror movie. He was covered in blood along with half the car. Thick gashes up both of his arms, deep cuts spread wide open as if someone started to use him for dissection. With throat slit and multiple arteries hit, there was blood all over the car. His arms were too much of a mess to try to start getting him clean. The best we could hope for is keeping him conscious and stopping the bleeding. We lucked out that everyone found him when we did. Most of the cuts were clotting and he managed to keep conscious. I kept track of what I could, watching his breathing, checking his pulse, and checking his skin for changes, what I could remember about my first aid training. His sister came over to watch him and I kept an eye on everything to make sure there were no changes. Once the paramedics arrived I reassured his family that I felt he would be fine and was doing good, and asked if I could catch a ride with them to the hospital, explaining finally who I was. Once I was at the hospital I just broke down. I have lost too many people I love, and almost lost him too. So many times he had tried to talk to me in the past months. I would talk to him then, but outside then I stayed away. Through ups and downs with his spouse, I felt I would only complicate his life. We had first met when he was around 14, I suppose I was 9, he had started working for my step father and was on his own already. Though I was quiet and shy he was nice to me. He became a part of our family(which tends to take in people with no family) in no time at all and he treated me better than anyone I knew. In fact, when some of my peers started taunting me when I was with him he shut them down. He started talking to me whenever he was stressed or trying to figure out life, not saying much to most of his peers. I was quiet but very observant because of it and was able to give him pretty good advice when he needed it. He was definitely considered to be fresh meat even at 17 and had quite a bit of attention. He tended to loose his shirt at parties and women tried to get into his pants all the time. I'm unsure of when but eventually I noticed him too. It was a bit odd for me that he could be so pretty. I suppose it was through having an intimacy with him of sorts that I developed my first guy interest. Don't get me wrong though, he was one of the few I could trust and never peeved out on me. My siblings and step father would try to bug me about him to see if I ever fancied him like the other girls, but it never worked on me. No one really knew that I adored him so much. He must have been about 19 when he started dating a new girl that he really ended up sticking with, this was when we just stopped talking regularly. It had been depressing to loose touch and have to be like strangers when I saw him after that. It had only been the beginning of this last summer when we had some good chats. After he tried to end his life I would wake up every day and just start feeling worse and worse until I saw him. Over those next two weeks I went early to see him and stayed late in the evenings until I had to run off to work. Its not that I thought something bad was going to happen that caused the anxiety though. It was just that between what had happened and almost loosing him it was like my heart couldn't take not being near them. As if I couldn't really function anywhere else, when they were in the room I finally could relax. They fulfilled my selfish requests and insisted I was always welcome. Over time I was able to calm the anxiety more and let them resume their life more. One day in the hospital I heard him try to recall anything from the day and he told everyone that at this one point he had felt so comforted and soothed by whoever it was talking to him. To my thrill he described when I was talking with him and he asked everyone who it had been. I kept quiet and was happy that I had actually gotten through to him, I had told him that I wanted him to hold on because I couldn't stand to loose him again. I'm happy that I was able to be there for him. As horrific as it was to see someone I love so much almost die in front of me, at least I was forced to show I really cared and we managed to reconnect. Over the past few months I have enjoyed hanging out with him and getting to know his kids.
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So I hear that this whole rape thing is a problem. So I decided to look online to see if I could find some advice, some preventative information, that would help out. I found some persons interesting list of Tips to help end Rape. I hope you find it useful.
Ten rape prevention tips: 1. Don’t put drugs in women’s drinks. 2. When you see a woman walking by herself, leave her alone. 3. If you pull over to help a woman whose car has broken down, remember not to rape her. 4. If you are in an elevator and a woman gets in, don’t rape her. 5. When you encounter a woman who is asleep, the safest course of action is to not rape her. 6. Never creep into a woman’s home through an unlocked door or window, or spring out at her from between parked cars, or rape her. 7. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room. 8. Use the Buddy System! If it is inconvenient for you to stop yourself from raping women, ask a trusted friend to accompany you at all times. 9. Carry a rape whistle. If you find that you are about to rape someone, blow the whistle until someone comes to stop you. 10. Don’t forget: Honesty is the best policy. When asking a woman out on a date, don’t pretend that you are interested in her as a person; tell her straight up that you expect to be raping her later. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the woman may take it as a sign that you do not plan to rape her. (Rape prevention tips Posted by Leigh Hofheimer) Key part: When in doubt, DON'T rape. We know we are in a sick world when we would rather blame the victim and ignore it. Rapists end up going free and it is shrugged off as a lesson in life. What is the lesson exactly though? That it is only a matter of time? I wish my mom, my nana, my neice, my sisters, my friends could be safe. I wish that every rape was treated seriously. That way maybe it wouldn't be just a matter of time for them. This list reminds me that I am not going insane, the world has screwed up views that need to change. No one asks to be raped, from those who have experienced it, living after such an experience is often described as a fate far worse than death. Like your very soul has been violated and abused, leaving a sick filth left that you cant seem to remove. I figure that this may just cause people to start any sort of debate on societies views of sexuality and gender, but I am always up for that fight. Online that is, in person I may get sick of it and potentially push you into traffic while you tell me that anyone was asking for it. Cause you would be asking for it. I have seen the pain, and felt a great deal of it myself, when many fantastic women and men I know have tried to deal with being victims of such violence. I was looking at some 'slutwalk' photos and saw a sign that remind me of a few friends fears. I can relate, by 12yrs I was very aware of rape and molestation and it saved me quite a few times. I was lucky that I managed to say all the right things and they took the bluff and left, but it was never guaranteed that it would work with the next one. It failed to work for one of my best friends and they were attacked repeatedly, while others looked the other way, because they didn't want to listen. They didn't stop, they kept adding victims, and I just kept praying for their death. Praying for a gun and meeting them in a dark alley. At 12, I could only see the darkest parts of the world and was disgusted by people, my world was only black and grey. I was outraged that people would know what these people where and did nothing, people with far more power than me to do something about it. I was outraged that my parents would allow them to keep going on in life and not be locked away to keep them from attacking again. For the ones I faced I just got to be more disturbed and hid more. That doesn't seem right. Anyway, here is the signs message: "I'm scared to ride the bus. I'm scared by myself. I'm scared at night. I hate men. I think they are violent and out to get me. I'm scared to walk alone. I'm scared to dress nice. I'm scared of being in relationships. I hate to be touched by men. I cry when I feel threatened. The biggest fear I have is to be raped. I feel like I can't trust anyone of the male gender. I am paranoid! I am the product of a domestically violent father and the culture that excused him." Don't think that just because society likes to sweep it under the rug that it ever fixes anything. No one, no matter the genders involved should be allowed to do these things to another person, no excuses should ever be made. Also you should totally check out these, http://kexita.deviantart.com/gallery/?offset=24 which are some wickGauge-wise starting from the bottom I am now 0, 7, 10. I am working on my bottom-most being 00, which is a number you cant just go back to not having gauged ears from. Essentially how it works is that when you get your ears pierced they are pierced at 18. When you start gauging your ears you start with stretchers that are 12. From this the smaller number you get the larger the hole you will have. I have been skipping stretchers and going with only the even numbers for stretching. This has meant that sometimes I have stopped stretching about 3/4 of the way up and left them in for a week or two to heal before making my way to the thicker end of the stretcher. I do almost all of my stretching after I am out of the shower because it loosens up your skin and makes it easy and clean. You can gauge your ears with little or no pain as long as you have patience, though I push myself and do mine a bit faster then I should.
As for other updates, I am partially packed and will be moving in somewhere larger and nicer between the 16-20th of this month. Work just cut my hours nastily, the last two weeks worked 130 hours so I was expecting to still have many hours to lean on for the rest of this month. I got punched in the face twice last week kind of by a 'friend' and my nose is still a little sore from it. Been missing Shawn lots lately, and being deprived of company of other friends I find a great relief being around. Have had much opportunity to watch many of my favorite animes again. And went and bought many many many more volumes of comic books(>30) and manga (>20). Am still hoping to find enough money to buy a new computer this summer. I miss Ragnarok online and Sword of the new world. And I miss Dnd lots. But I suppose most I miss my old friends and shawn. Nothing is like good company. And it would be fun to play Parcheesi or my new board game blockus with someone interesting. So overall, I am boring as usual and missing my geeky friends. The last couple days I have had some time off but am not in the mood to do much other than enjoy being home for once. cheers, will post again soon, Kris Since no one else tackled Valentines day/Consumerist day/Singles awareness day/Capitalism holiday/etc, I will hit the topic for a sec, hopefully not upsetting anyone since it seems to be such a hard day for some, or I will blow that idea out of the water with my current I-don’t-give-a-shit attitude.
In my family my mother always took this day as a chance to tell everyone who mattered to her how much she just loved and adored us. Giving chocolates and baking for us every year. In the Japanese anime that I loved and thus pretty adopted by myself and my friends shortly after learning about(why? Because it is wonderful), it is a chance to make some homemade baking or chocolate to give to those that matter to you. This consisted mostly of giving to good friends and people you want to show your appreciation to (in a creative way) and perhaps a love or love interest. When I hear about girls getting together to get drunk and watch stupid romance movies together because they are single, I cant help but feel sorry for the poor miserable (u^?$ . Either they are one of the many whiners who always needs someone, even just for that day, or they plan on getting shitfaced and potentially making out with each other, or perhaps a Justin beiber pillow(not worth checking the spelling for). Both whiners and if-you-get-me-drunk-bi’s piss me off so neither of these types appeal to me in the least. So make a note, every year you can sure count me out on the desperate parade. Can no one actually just appreciate their friends and loved ones anymore? This feels like a Christmas meaning fail, where all that matters is someone spending a bunch of money on you and there fails to be any good point to the day. Also, if you stop making your valentines day about sexual relationships, guess what, the people around you will start too. You people make any excuse to feel sorry for yourself instead of appreciating your life or the people in it. To all those not alone, if you were a whiner who lucked out this time, don’t preach to the other whiners about how valentines day is not all bad, you are not fooling anyone you whiner. Lol. Alrights, now that I have probably pissed off a whole lot of people, love you all. Seriously. If you are bothering to read my psychobabble, then its almost a guarantee I sure do adore you. Also special love sent out to Mom, my great dads, my baby bro B.J, Nana, Johnson(Jack is an ass), Brettt, Trav, Connors, Tam Tam, Sherrie-poo, Slimey, Glor, and Matt. You guys have been rocking my life lately and were very much on my mind on the day of love! :D (watch me fail by discluding someone who I live for. lol) It was my hardest day for quitting smoking on the 14th since it was day 3, thanks to M, C and especially B, you guys stopped me from relapsing. I was antsy as shit that evening. Day 4 was a breeze! Thanks. ^,^ I had to trade in chances for creativity this holiday for some visiting time with my niece and nephews and a months worth of full time hours. Following my last blog I finished work, then went to go visit my girly friend at her place to crash for the night(slept pretty decently) before my fam`s festivities started the next day. I got to play some Phantasy Star IV(from the sega) that I remember my dad telling me about with great enthusiasm a good ten years ago. I also got into Phantasy Star III, Golden Axe I, II, + III, The Sonics, Comix Zone, Columns, and Ecco the Dolphin. All pretty good games to play especially while listening to some seriously random music. Also watched Narnia 3D, Under the Red Hood(it was ORGASMIC!!!), and am finishing Batman Gotham Knight(beautiful artists involved with unique perspectives). Am taking resumes for new friends who actually like animes, comics and video games now. Send to [email protected]. Lol
For xmas I managed to alter my stocking to be nightmare before christmas themed, as well as, got my neice and nephew to watch the movie for the first time. I spent the eve and day of, enjoying my bottle of wine, which is something I suppose I am known for in my family, wanting to instantly split our wine supply as one for the family, the rest for me. Call me an alcoholic, but you will be disappointed when you drink with me later and I don’t get sick drunk. :p It was interesting to write up what had happened in my past. One thing that particularly sticks is the end. It ended with my life becoming what others made it. I never did come back from being about everyone else to live my life. To remember myself. I remember getting to that point in the writing. I kept thinking, trying to write the next paragraph. I found nothing. My life just hasn’t gone anywhere, only backwards. Only on the back burner. I never have given myself the time since then. I’m not perfect in any degree. Its been a struggle to try to get back to taking steps to put me back on my list of priorities. I cannot convince myself that I am worth it, so it has become hard to not give in to others and make myself available. It was easier when I was with Trav, I came home to my life. I actually left school and work and went home, where my life existed, where they would listen about my day, it was just work, work and stuff, but not everything. It was the last time I feel like I was me. I managed to make some hard choices, sometimes using other events than just that I needed it, to help me make the tough decisions easier. I have distanced myself from some friends and family and completely ridden myself of others. I had to keep telling myself internally that some can just go fuck themselves to finally convince myself that I can not care and just try to do my life right now. Another thing that really hit while I was writing it was how much baggage I hold from Little Slimey. It really hit my next relationship hard. Lil Slimey was someone I was suppose to be writing for the last couple months, and recently took the steps to contact me, despite being cut off from the net or phones. I couldn’t bring myself to write them this last year, knowing that they wanted me to, because I couldn’t manage to keep the letter positive. I finally got word from them and could tell from the letter that they are going through a rough time, so have been writing them back finally, though I did not sensor myself, the letter is overall, quite positive and supportive. Huzzah to me. ^.^’’ Unless they just wanted sugar… -.-`` Then Ooops. Now to try to get my life in order. I have resolved to visit Kat and Kyles and their kids at least monthly this year. I will also try to get to the point of liking myself again. Perhaps one day feeling great about myself and my future again. Perhaps another goal should be to figure out what I’m going to do about Trav(game addict) and M(Antisocial?). Both of them I adore and try to hang with plenty but they have little interest except to brush me off. Its bad for my confidence to keep trying, but they continue to be on my mind, and thus I continue to tell them once in a while how it would be cool to hang sometime. They make me feel like a freaking stalker to ask it. Nicely enough though Trav has just let me come over when I told him that I needed to be around him. Perhaps I am drawn to the feel that they wouldn’t drag me into drama or start making demands on my time or life. Why I somehow have put my self value riding on their acceptance and friendship is still beyond me. The one-sidedness of it scares me sometimes though, worries me that I am getting myself into something that is just going to weigh me down, but I cant seem to throw them away, so I guess I will just try to determine when it gets bad, and then try to deal with it. On a positive note I will be booking an appointment for my next tattoo on the 14th of this month thanks to my Sis and her wonderfully painful gift to me. Meh, I`m sure deep down she finds it satisfying knowing it will be the most painful gift I ever got for the season. :p My head is just pounding tonight, at least I have three cheese tea biscuits, a honey crueller, steeped tea and a couple migraine Tylenol to make it all better. Make that two cheese tea biscuits…*nom nom* Strangely, I found I actually loved the unappetizing thing when I was in the hospital last year. I enjoyed the variety that comes in hospital food. It’s the end of a long weekend full of work, being sick and sleep, ending with me having to now stay up for the next 9.5 hours to study for and then write an exam, then hopefully have the energy for the class, office hours, and meetings that will plague the rest of my day. Oh SHIT! My readings…Ugh. That will be my Monday night. ^^’’’’ Heh, Alright then.
I will start by talking love and attraction, it is always such a popular topic, though I generally seem disinterested in it. I wonder just how much more my friends have just perked up and started paying more attention to this now. :p I am stuck in a time when I just cant seem to gain much interest in anyone but one person, someone whose fondness of me is incredibly limited and isn’t going to change. The biggest problem is me though. I, much like many out there hate and detest myself. Always wishing to have more stylish hair, be stronger, faster and toned. Its nowhere close to where I would be if I hit the gym harder than I ever have before. It is my insecurities and hate for myself that has been caused me to drive interest and people away. I have always been a firm believer that no one can love another till they love themselves first. Essentially it means you can make the best decisions for yourself as well. Why would anyone who cares about themselves stay in a detrimental relationship. No one should be in a relationship because they need the other person. And who would put their partner through all their baggage. Also, relationships are time and effort, something that you need if you hate yourself to get your shit sorted out. So my love gets repressed, until I can start to like myself and feel worthwhile. Till then I will continue to be insecure about myself and my friendships. On the plus side, lack of a relationship gives me more time to deal with the anger directed at me from those who I have told this all too, but persist trying to get into my pants while I keep telling them that I am not interested. Also ever hear the phrase “Bro’s before Hoe’s”? Lets ignore the fact that that implies the other in the relationship is so disrespected for a second. Seriously, I am a relationship person, but I am not the type to ditch the friends to spend 24/7 alone with my partner. When a relationship is done, generally, you loose that person from your life, they can be your best friend and someone who knows you the most, then they are gone. I don’t understand why people would devote all their time to someone when there is pretty much a guarantee that you wont spend the rest of your life with them. Friends are at least generally there for longer. So I guess that just says that I tend to love and care for my friends a great deal. Now, I dont say this enough to my friends, but I know the search for love is something so strong in people that sometimes to not focus on it is difficult, it is just that in my life I am able to do it. I realize that without the passion of love, there would be a lot less inspiration that led to so much wonderful art and music. Alright, that blew away some time, study time now, with perhaps a bit of being Erica for study breaks(Attractiveness wise she is awesome). I wonder if I just do definitions and forego reading the text book if there is any chance I will pass? Lol. Will let you know. I hate Bio. |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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