I had to trade in chances for creativity this holiday for some visiting time with my niece and nephews and a months worth of full time hours. Following my last blog I finished work, then went to go visit my girly friend at her place to crash for the night(slept pretty decently) before my fam`s festivities started the next day. I got to play some Phantasy Star IV(from the sega) that I remember my dad telling me about with great enthusiasm a good ten years ago. I also got into Phantasy Star III, Golden Axe I, II, + III, The Sonics, Comix Zone, Columns, and Ecco the Dolphin. All pretty good games to play especially while listening to some seriously random music. Also watched Narnia 3D, Under the Red Hood(it was ORGASMIC!!!), and am finishing Batman Gotham Knight(beautiful artists involved with unique perspectives). Am taking resumes for new friends who actually like animes, comics and video games now. Send to [email protected]. Lol
For xmas I managed to alter my stocking to be nightmare before christmas themed, as well as, got my neice and nephew to watch the movie for the first time. I spent the eve and day of, enjoying my bottle of wine, which is something I suppose I am known for in my family, wanting to instantly split our wine supply as one for the family, the rest for me. Call me an alcoholic, but you will be disappointed when you drink with me later and I don’t get sick drunk. :p It was interesting to write up what had happened in my past. One thing that particularly sticks is the end. It ended with my life becoming what others made it. I never did come back from being about everyone else to live my life. To remember myself. I remember getting to that point in the writing. I kept thinking, trying to write the next paragraph. I found nothing. My life just hasn’t gone anywhere, only backwards. Only on the back burner. I never have given myself the time since then. I’m not perfect in any degree. Its been a struggle to try to get back to taking steps to put me back on my list of priorities. I cannot convince myself that I am worth it, so it has become hard to not give in to others and make myself available. It was easier when I was with Trav, I came home to my life. I actually left school and work and went home, where my life existed, where they would listen about my day, it was just work, work and stuff, but not everything. It was the last time I feel like I was me. I managed to make some hard choices, sometimes using other events than just that I needed it, to help me make the tough decisions easier. I have distanced myself from some friends and family and completely ridden myself of others. I had to keep telling myself internally that some can just go fuck themselves to finally convince myself that I can not care and just try to do my life right now. Another thing that really hit while I was writing it was how much baggage I hold from Little Slimey. It really hit my next relationship hard. Lil Slimey was someone I was suppose to be writing for the last couple months, and recently took the steps to contact me, despite being cut off from the net or phones. I couldn’t bring myself to write them this last year, knowing that they wanted me to, because I couldn’t manage to keep the letter positive. I finally got word from them and could tell from the letter that they are going through a rough time, so have been writing them back finally, though I did not sensor myself, the letter is overall, quite positive and supportive. Huzzah to me. ^.^’’ Unless they just wanted sugar… -.-`` Then Ooops. Now to try to get my life in order. I have resolved to visit Kat and Kyles and their kids at least monthly this year. I will also try to get to the point of liking myself again. Perhaps one day feeling great about myself and my future again. Perhaps another goal should be to figure out what I’m going to do about Trav(game addict) and M(Antisocial?). Both of them I adore and try to hang with plenty but they have little interest except to brush me off. Its bad for my confidence to keep trying, but they continue to be on my mind, and thus I continue to tell them once in a while how it would be cool to hang sometime. They make me feel like a freaking stalker to ask it. Nicely enough though Trav has just let me come over when I told him that I needed to be around him. Perhaps I am drawn to the feel that they wouldn’t drag me into drama or start making demands on my time or life. Why I somehow have put my self value riding on their acceptance and friendship is still beyond me. The one-sidedness of it scares me sometimes though, worries me that I am getting myself into something that is just going to weigh me down, but I cant seem to throw them away, so I guess I will just try to determine when it gets bad, and then try to deal with it. On a positive note I will be booking an appointment for my next tattoo on the 14th of this month thanks to my Sis and her wonderfully painful gift to me. Meh, I`m sure deep down she finds it satisfying knowing it will be the most painful gift I ever got for the season. :p
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By the time elementary school ended I still had a great deal of love for animals, though now a better understanding of how people loved to kill them. I became aware of the reasons beyond hunting for food that people would kill for and I was quite disturbed by it all, since I felt that we were just a type of animal. Also furthermore, in high school when I realized how little meat a person needed to eat. Yeah I know, I was a bit of a hippie for a child.
By the final year of elementary school I had just lost my best friend Justin to the lure of popularity and dating. I always thought I would marry the guy, its like we were in sync when playing sports together and it just seemed how the world worked that you would marry your best friend. When girls started to hone in however I found my submissive side come in and I backed off. I was scared about what would happen if I tried to put it to question. I was scared of asking him to just stay and keep hanging with me. Since I was no longer always with him, I was forced to spend much more time at home alone. Alone only in the sense though, since I had a good chunk of siblings running around our huge (and haunted) house. I started taking a liking to hanging out in my closet somewhere around this time and hanging out with my imaginary friend (:p). The strongest memory I have from when I was just getting into high school, was how alone I was at this time, but how it hit me hard when my older sister walked me to school and right to my classroom. It was something I held onto for a long time, even now it being one of the memories that kept me trying to keep tabs with her. Who would have figured it would mean so much to me, it was likely that mom told her she had to anyway, but oh well, I would rather think it was the first time my sister felt really like a sister. The next few years were full of reading, biking and hanging out (pretty much solely) with my girly friend whom had issues with considering me her best friend since, well, I was lame. I started getting into Wicca and fell into a depression. I spent many winter evenings sitting on the largest hill just outside town wishing to be back in magical B.C.. I sat watching the sky till I could barely feel my legs anymore, and long after I could no longer feel my face. I spent my summers sitting on one of the hills surrounding the pond, staring off into nothingness. I mourned not having the people who mattered so much to me in my life anymore. I napped while straddling trees out of town and felt the most comfort in being with nature. My home life seemed to be full of me standing there while everyone yelled and screamed at me, and me living in my closet or leaving the house for hours to just be alone somewhere. I remember one particularly scarring time when my mother told my step father that she was leaving and not coming back, slamming the door. Leaving me there. Abandoning me. I started to think about suicide. The world was cruel and full of hate, it was disgusting. It is so freaking cold outside, but I am excited as shit! Why, you may ask. Because it means snow monsters and snowmen, and fun. This is some of last years winter fun and soon I will be enjoying more of it all winter long.... As long as I can find someone to run around with me in the snow. That is a hint hint to my friends. HINT HINT (just in case you didnt get that). I need someone to drag around town in the cold, prepare yourselves. Oh, and its obvious to anyone who read calvin and hobbs that thats where I got the original drive to make unusual snow creatures in unusual snow circumstances. That kinda doesnt take away from the greatness of it. You can expect to see much more pics of these throughout winter, the university is my playground. Have any ideas about what I should do? Toss them in the comments, that way you can see your idea come alive without you having to freeze your fingers off. :p |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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