I find myself so frustrated lately, and I do promise that I will concentrate on lighter things shortly, having all these worries floating through my head right now like:
Is my younger brother really moving backwards in acceptance in my transition? Will my mother continue sabotaging me, trying to make it harder so that I give up? Is my older brother really healthy for my trans and gay friends to be around will he accept me? Will my sister cut me off from my neice and nephews? How far will my step fathers rage go? Did I really screw up my schooling beyond any hope to fix it? How many years before my student loans debt is gone? How much longer after that will I ever have credit? Will I be fifty before I can ever hope to get a mortgage for a home? Will I be in the closet at work for the rest of my life? Will I still hate myself when I start visibly changing more? Will I be ugly? Can I trust anyone to talk to... Its been so long since I've hung around with any lgbt friends, I miss the acceptance and the use of gay in any positive sense of the word. The transgender day of remembrance was painful this year, I am stuck hiding and quiet. I keep trying to get things that I have always wanted, that I used to want, because it fit in my minds picture of what my cozy dream home would hold. As if one could collect enough pieces to complete the puzzle and solve life. I find myself having a hard time seeing into a future anymore though, I go by old pictures and old lists, pretending that they are still there. All I see when I try to look to my future is a short strip of the road left. I think of all the obstacles and how I can ever live with one of them continuing negatively and it feels like It is just a matter of time before the road runs out.
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X-Force originally had Shatterstar, Rictor, and Doop before Bloke, Phat and Vivisector even joined in. I like to overlook the fact that the X-men spinoff series is the one that’s full of the gay characters being a sign of marvels comfort, and just focus on the strange characters it comprises of. Seriously though, they need a gay bar for how many of them are floating around. ^_^
Wiccan and Hulkling, Wiccans original name was Asguardian, which his teammates decide he needs to change before local media realize that him and Hulkling are an item. :p They are a fantastic and popular couple, both being cool and sweet characters and developing a great young relationship. Their relationship continues to be portrayed more and more within the comics, kissing, bedroom innuendo, sleeping in the same bed, etc. Because they are so openly a gay couple, there is an extensive amount of fanfic written and drawn surrounding the characters. Their stories continue to develop both as an item and separately as they deal with things and figure their lives out. I hope to look forward to neither of them dying of aids, just dying at all, or breaking up to have their sexuality never being seen again and have some reassurance due to their writer being openly gay and interested in giving the next batch of teens some gay superhero role models. I would look forward to Runaways as much, but they keep killing off their characters so I just cant get attached to Karolina knowing that it is only a matter of time. An extra is Daken, a potentially queer character who is also an evil sociopath and killer. A son of Wolverine who inherited healing and bone claws and emits sexy pheromones to help him manipulate everyone including much flirted with teammate Bullseye. I'm pretty sure he is a Pansexual, gender doesn't matter, neither does being a different being, even The Thing wasn't safe from his advances. Am quite curious on how he plays out in his own series titled Daken. As for Batman and Robin, I can only feel that Dick grayson Robin might have, in a way, a complex that might involve Batman. I mean, who, when near Batman can resist the Goddamn Batman. I'm pretty sure he is one of those characters that the straight boys commonly consider their would 'go gay for' choice. Along with Neil Patrick Harris. I can only assume that Captain Jack Harkness doesn't make that list out of fear of his ability to go from normal to naked sex games in seconds. Anyway, back on topic, In Nightwings later years when confronted with a situation of walking in on a bashing of a gay cop and stepping in, was posed with the question "What are you, Grayson, his boyfriend?!" Grayson wouldn't budge on his defense and replied with a "What if I am!". Even if hes not a closeted bisexual, I love him even more. Rictor and Shatterstar are well known for their dramatic smooch and Rictor particularly had some really fun moments previous to his coming out. Shatterstars original creator claims that next time he gets a chance to get back on the Shatterstar wagon he is going to undo this all. Undoing a great deal of issues worth of 'between the lines' signs that their relationship was more than just a friendship. The creator claims that it is ridiculous that such a manly gladiator/spartan character would be gay. Kind of like how there are no gay soldiers, lumberjacks, firefighters or any burly men. O.o
Ultimate Spiderwoman is literally a peter parker clone and had a great deal of his memories meaning also a strong love and attraction for Mary Jane, which doesn't take long for Peter to realize. Without giving anything more away, I still don’t like kitty, probably even more now. Terry Berg, Green lanterns Kyle Rayners very assistant, ends up focused on for a strong story arc involving gay bashing when him and his boyfriend get attacked, Kyle becomes a mess about it, feeling that he failed Terry. Early in Terry and Kyles relationship Terry harbored quite a crush on Kyle. When Kyle was rejected by a gal he chased for a long time, Terry said something that Kyle took wrong and sent Terry off and upset. After Kyle found out that Terry was trying to be open with him about being gay and liking him, Kyle tracked him down and helped him come to terms with coming out, helping him through the process. It was believed that the gay bashing arc was to pay homeage to Matthew Shephard, also due to the resemblance. When Terry did wake from the attack, later in the hospital he found a green lantern ring copy left behind from Kyle, who left out of grief of what happened. Terry was meant to become the next big Green Lantern on earth, but stupidly asshat Hal came back 'the very next day' and Terry disappeared from writing. Gay green lantern, that would have gained an undying love from me. Vivisector and Phat (made to look like Eminem) play at a relationship to boost their reality shows ratings, then realize they can’t go forward with it anymore because they individually realize that they are gay, drop the act and admit their sexuality to each other, have a short romance, then find that their chemistry doesn't really last, perhaps because Vivi is smart and geeky and Phat is well, dumb white trash who occasionally looks like the blob. At least that is their interplay in a nutshell. Though you have to give points to Vivi for not letting Phats, at times, creepy appearance get in his way. The series they came from is actually under appreciated and has dynamic characters. I have looked into many of these characters in fairly good detail and many of them have interesting things about them in some form. Sometimes it is within what was originally planned for them, how they made history, how things had to be changed because people weren’t ready for it, or how different writers fought to make the character straight while others gay. It grew from a policy that wouldn't allow a character to ever out themselves, first outings, character not being ridiculous and creepy, them not dying of Aids or killing themselves shortly after outing, kisses, relationships, marriage, and finally portrayal of home life and suggestive scenes.
To provoke some interest here is some quick tidbits of info about some particular interesting characters, if you find one interesting you should google it for even more fun. Anole was a character who was originally created to be rejected by his homophobic parents and his friends and was to kill himself, it was going to end up furthering the character development of a straight character it would affect. They barely changed this and let Anole’s story continue, even making his family and hometown an accepting place, kind of to Northstar’s surprise. He was also mentored by both Northstar and Karma, having quite a few gay role models. Apollo married Midnighter (They look like Superman & Batman coupling) and they adopted a little girl together. Their relationship was accepted by everyone without a hitch. There wedding and living together is shown in the comic books, but during a controversial storyline, Apollo is raped, and Midnighter goes after the culprit incredibly violently. ^_^ There is also the great satisfaction of it being intentionally related and compared to Superman and Batman. Batwoman is very much a female Batman, being violent and dark but still being able to be georgous and has the look of a lipstick lesbian. She is the main character in her series which makes her pretty badass. Her character was originally created as a beard for Batman since haters were saying that Batman and Robins sharing the same bed had to stop. Bloke can change colors but apparently prefers pink, acts a bit stereotypical except for his extreme violence when in battle (beyond what wolverine is allowed to do now). Bunker is a new and exciting addition to Teen titans, being Mexican, quite cute and openly gay, and by openly gay, I may mean quite the flaming boy. Bonus of being on Red Robins team. Danny the street, is literally a sentient street (for those who didn’t catch that) meant to be the transvestite street and has very masculine stores, decorated with incredibly feminine upholstery. Graymalkin as a young boy was caught by his father experimenting with another boy and was attacked and buried alive, his mutant ability kicked in and he lived underground for hundreds of years, he has befriended Anole but still has a bit of issues and old fashioned thoughts. Alana Jobson Jackpot lived a short life, had a crush on who would come to replace her and Spider-man, who she would unknowingly confuse by being a redhead and calling Spider-man ‘Tiger’. :p Living lightning accidently outed himself to Great Lakes Avengers(GLA) member Flatman when he admitted that he was thinking of joining, but realized that GLA didn’t stand for Gay & Lesbian Alliance. Mystique is a bisexual who was in love with her long-time lover Destiny, they adopted Rogue together. They were originally supposed to be the birth parents of Nightcrawler (who is mostly quite homophobic and sometimes an ass), writers essentially felt that it would not go over well, because that would mean that mystique also would have been male having intercourse with Destiny, so they found a suitable devilish looking character to be the explained dad instead. Northstar is known as being the first gay character but wasn’t really shown as having a love life at all. He was written for a long while as dying from some scary and terrible disease and was meant to die of Aids, but they changed it to that he was really a fairy and he just had to go visit home for a bit, which healed him. Yup. They really couldn’t figure anything out about his character except that he was really really gay, and should die, but in a gay way, without having a sex or love life. No wonder he seemed a little ‘off’ later. Lets also pretend the story of the whole Aids dumpster baby never existed. Ever. Rawhide kid, in a special bunch of books released, ‘Slap stick leather’ which was marked with explicit content warnings had a very camp Rawhide kid, running around hitting on men, being exceptionally stylish, being surrounded by attractive women who wanted to sleep with him, and everyone else not understanding any of his campy gay pips. One thing that didn’t show up was Rawhide kid walking into a bar and saying “I’m looking for a man” while the bartender looks him up and down and says “I bet you are.” Unless I missed that part, in which Rawhide kid would have been thrilled. The books have no kissing, sex or even relationships, so the explicit content is a warning for Straights: This book is seriously camp. Or Gays: This book is seriously more camp than you knew existed, prepare to be offended. I liked it, seriously lol’d like I never had before, the whole damn way through. :p Yes it was like Queer eye for the straight guy at times but after a good facepalm I lol'd some more. It goes to show how straight guys view a gay man, prancing around thinking about clothes and men, hitting on them without them even knowing. Anole ~G~ (New X-men, Young X-men, Divided we stand)
Apollo, married Midnighter ~G~ (Stormwatch, The Authority) Batwoman ~L~ (Infinite Crisis, Batwoman) Bling ~B~ (New X-men, X-men Legacy) Bloke, Rainbow ~G~(X-Force) Brainiac 5~B~ (The Legion #1-31) Bunker ~G~ (Teen Titans) Creote~G~ (Birds of Prey) Colossus, Ultimate ~B~ (Ultimate X-men) Constantine, John. ~B~ (Hellblazer) Danny the Street, Literally a sentient street ~T~ (Doom Patrol) Destiny ~L~ (Uncanny X-men) Doop, Literal creature ~B~(X-Force, X-Statix) Fauna~L~ (Outsiders) Flatman~G~ (West coast avengers, Great lakes avengers) Freedom ring ~G~ (A few in, Marvel Team-up) Graymalkin ~G~ (X-men, Divided we stand) Holly Robinson, Catwoman (Catwoman, One Year Later) Hulkling ~G~ (Young Avengers, Secret Invasion) Ice maiden ~B~ (Justice League, One year later) Jackpot, Alana Jobson ~B~ (Secret Invasion w/spider-man) Jenny sparks~B~ (Stormwatch, The Authority) Jarvis, Ultimate~G~ (Ultimate Avengers) Karma ~L~ (New Mutants, Uncanny X-men) Karolina ~L~ (Runaways) Living Lightning ~B~ (West coast avengers) Marlo Chandler, The new Harpy ~Bcurious~ (The incredible Hulk) Midnighter~G~ (Stormwatch, The Authority, Midnighter) Moondragon~B~ (Avengers, Annihilation, Guardians of the Galaxy) Mystique~TB~ (X-men) Nico~Bcurious~ (Runaways) Northstar~G~ (Alpha flight, X-men) Obsidian~G~ (Justice league, Brightest day) Phat~G~(X-Force, X-Statix) Phyla-Vell, aka Quasar,~B~(4th)Captain Marvel (Annihilation, Guardians of the Galaxy) Rawhide kid~G~ (Rawhide kid Slap leather) Rictor~B~(X-Factor, X-Force, New Mutants) Sarah Rainmaker ~B~ (Stormwatch, Gen13) Savant~B~ (Birds of prey) Shatterstar ~B~ (X-Factor, X-Force, New Mutants) Spider-woman, Ultimate~B~ (Ultimate Spider-man) Spider-woman, MJ~B~ (Exiles) Starman III, Mikaal~G~ (Starman in 98’ and 2010) Strange Joe, Josie Hart~L~ (A few in: Fantastic Four) Sunfire II, Mariko ~L~ (Alternate universe-Exiles) Terry Berg, Kyle Rayners assistant ~G~ ( Green Lantern) The Question, Renee Montoya~L~ (Gotham Central, 52) Thunder ~L~ (Outsiders) Victoria Hand ~L~ (New Avengers) Vivisector ~G~(X-Force, X-Statix) Voodoo~B~ (WildC.A.T.S) Wiccan~G~ (Young Avengers, Civil War) Xavin~T~ (Runaways) This is by no means a full list, it is meant to ignore obscure or ridiculous characters, abusive closeted homophobes, or those who could have been lgbt, but were never written as such. Its for mainstream comic books with superheroes, trying to highlight important past characters and important new ones. Whether it offends some or not, despite many of the male characters being labeled gay, if they had serious female lovers I labelled them as Bi’s. I have found the 300 and counting list not useful since a great deal of it is based on rumor or opinion, and wikipedias cluttered and not updated. I didn’t include characters from Neil Gaimans work, especially Sandman, for his work includes wonderful variations of gender and sexuality throughout all of his work and deserves a list of its own. Watchmen had a great deal of lgbt characters within it as well, some obvious and some claimed potentials such as Rorschach but I don't know first hand. I tried my best to make a list, including the comics in which to look for these characters, generally for my own interest but also to give anyone checking out the list a chance to look into them, also to help me distinguish a few to invest into. X-Force was also full of gay characters. As for fairly new series that had lgbt characters and hopefully(in the case of Runaways) continuing story, I look forward to seeing more Young Avengers and Runaways. Well that's enough chatter for now, next time I will go into some interesting bits about some of the characters that really stand out. If Brett ever reads this, feel free to message me if I missed a gooder You play as the trashy looking Jimmy Hopkins who is being dumped off at Bullworth Academy so that his newly remarried mother can go on a honeymoon cruise and not have to deal with a miserable kid like you who keeps getting kicked out of schools. I honestly couldn’t stop laughing as soon as I put this game in; the audio is pretty hilariously and mean. You hear nasty comments and insults constantly throughout the game since you are tossed in the middle of the nastiest school around and after a short while it seems to be that it is more like their inner dialogue reaching you as you hear their strange quirks and secrets. It tended to shock anyone around to hear the characters running around threatening and beating up the other characters or even the quick “I’m so good at kissing, I always practice on my arm!” or “Can’t let anyone know I still do that!”. It shouldn’t have surprised me since it comes from Rockstar, the developers/publishers of Grand Theft Auto, so no surprise that you also heal through playing tonsil hockey.
So I originally picked up this game because I heard it had the great feature of you being able to kiss a jock (whom then begs you to never tell anyone) and seeing it on sale for under $5(^-^), I grabbed it for a good laugh. Jimmy, the main character is dumb, easy to manipulate, and doesn’t have much of a neck (odd looking at times) but he does grow on you. After going through some storyline I looked up info on kissing guys in the game and found that luckily you can kiss 6 of them: Trent, Gord, Vance, Kirby, Duncan, and Cornelius. This would be one character of each of the games cliques: Bullies, Preps, Greasers, Jocks, Townies, and Geeks. First off, you need to pass your first art class so that you can unlock the option of trying to kiss anyone. Yeah, I know, but I guess staring at pictures of Miss Phillips (art teacher), awakens something inside you. Unfortunately after that, you still have to finish chapter 1 to kiss anyone beyond Cornelius, which includes kissing some questionable girls(story mode) to unlock some love from the bullies. Once done, you can unlock the ability to give Trent flowers, so that you can interrupt his beating up geeks for a good make out session. The kissing scene full of moans, groans and maybe some ass grabbing, it is typical for other characters walk by, usually staring hard. As more people like you, characters might be openly adoring/envious of you and your make out partner while you exchange saliva. :p I personally wouldn’t give into making out with Cornelius, who looks like Steve Urkel, and saved myself for the angry Trent, since I just couldn’t wait for Gord. As chapters go by you will gain the love of other cliques on campus (and later loose some) and thus be able to snog a new boy. Generally you can skip out on kissing girls except through the story mode and just keep your favorite ‘boyfriend(s)’. Trent after Chapter 1 is yours and during times when you fall out of favor with other groups you can always go back to his loving/bullying arms. No shame in Trent he is probably the most open Bi boy in the game. Trent the Bully - Unlocked after Chapter I - White shirt, blonde hair “Wanna play shirts and skins?” Outside the school beating people up Gord the Prep -Unlocked after Chapter II - Prep shirt, small guy, scarf Talks about clothes and the poor. Outside Prep house or in town in Old Bull Vale, or the carnival Vance the Greaser - Unlocked after Chapter III - Leather jacket, small guy, red hair “Whats buzzin’ Cousin” Autoshop area or in town in Kirby the Jock - Unlocked after Chapter IV - Blue or grey shirt, brown hair Complains and has a huge ego. Gym area or in the football field Duncan the Townie - Unlocked late or after Chapter V - White shirt with orange circle, blonde Likes Grottos and Gremlins(D&D), may flirt with you. In the industrial part of town Cornelius the Geek - Almost always available - Green shirt, tall, black, glasses Talks about math lots. Library or outside school probably being beat up by Trent If you end up going to town, all characters will be spread out in particular parts of town, easy to grab for a quick kiss before you start a mission to boost your stats and health. Fantastically there is the achievement ‘Over the Rainbow’ which you get from kissing ‘gents’ a good 20 times. I did find it interesting that after favoring Gord for a while that Trent and Gord fought frequently. If you kiss a girl then go kiss a guy, if the girl is nearby she might kick him in the groin. I’m unsure if that’s why the guys where fighting or if it was just cause Trent likes to beat up everyone and if any prep is involved in fighting it is likely Gord. At times when respect is rocky you might want to rely on the percentages of respect from the different cliques to figure out who you can make out with. I love how this game has a wide open world that you can travel in and that there are not too many errands (tiny quests) or constant storyline. Once you know your way around the area and how the prefects work the game is pretty fun since everything is up to you. There isn’t much you want to do with different clothes but since money is easy to come by you might as well get an interesting outfit or spend half of the game in a ridiculous costume(though good luck kissing anyone). Overall it was a fun game, though I bought it and played it through strictly because I craved a game with some queerity to it. I can see why people feel it is a classic, it was funny and everyone is a jerk. Except Trent, after you kiss him he pretty much loves you saying things like “This is just like some romance movie”… (Then maybe saves his rep by)… “Uhhhh, I’m such a player” lol. Sure you are Trent, sure you are. <rant>
Like any person I have my own personal weaknesses. I have opinions, I have passions. Its obvious that all of them don’t meld with popular opinion. I would be a feminist with my respect for women, sexism and inequality. Once I hit puberty it was like the world lost its interest in helping me fulfil my interests. I still don’t understand why I couldn’t live my dream and become a knight. Everyone kept trying to straighten me out and push me to become someone I was uncomfortable with being. I was yelled at for not wanting to dress like someone I wasn’t. Women are bodies, they are on display to be looked at and evoke interest. I can barely see any women around my age without seeing them in categories. I don’t mind hoes, at least they are honest and aware of being looked at. I just don’t like it when some go on about drama or feminism. Feminists around here get into the habit of complaining too much and not listening to themselves or others. I would have continued my interest in woodwork if I had had the chance back in high school, pressure pressure pressure.. I have watched my mother be treated like some idiot wife. I have faced living with a guy who expected me to stay at home and not socialize but to try to study quietly at home while the boyfriend ate at his computer every night. A guy who couldn’t manage to keep up with chores or cleaning. I have watched girls treat good guys like shit because they are guys without ever knowing much about them. I have heard their rants about which abortion clinic was really great and didn’t make them feel guilty at all, at the amount that they knew it was like this was their main form of birth control. I suppose the pill makes you gain some weight, so its useful to go the abortion path, I mean you would likely loose some weight after something like that…uh.. I mean like beyond the baby pounds. I was tempted on numerous occasions to start leaving coat hangers on the door of the women’s group on campus. A bunch of middle class white chicks talking about how big the ring their guy just gave them, how they bought this great $200 tea dress to celebrate, how its awful that people still aren’t supportive of abortions and how men are terrible sexist things. I like kids but despise how many men cant grasp the mommy things like diapers, socks, snacks and a jacket. I also think that girls are real twats about raising their children. Its been within women’s ability to start changing opinions through their child rearing but they still treat their children differently based on sex. They start helping their girls get a grasp on everything, even getting them to start with child rearing, becoming attuned to others emotions, cooking, cleaning, and multitasking. The boys still young find themselves segregated and expected to figure things out on their own or idolize their father who tends to not be present. So of course they end up different. What else do they have left than to end up filling up their time with either ideas of masculinity or other boys off tying to find their places as well. Should I be sorry for blaming the mother of a 17 year old boy who cannot do laundry or cook his own food? In some cases it feels like it should be known cases of neglect. I know many guys who have deep insecurities surrounding things that if ever discussed would never have been issues. Have watched them turn out aggression and passive aggression because they could not release the emotions or talk about it. Once again a new generation moulded to fit old stereotypes with little wiggle space. I have fought with my gender and women’s professor for a lengthily time over a list of what checks would need to be fine for a community to be gender equal. There were no checks for males. My father fought for partial custody of his three kids. My stepmother an alcoholic. He paid everything for her and for the kids while the kids remained with him anyway. He was a workaholic and ill prepared to suddenly be faced with having to help them get through a divorce while he still held a broken heart. In his eyes he had failed at life. For his marriage was done. We weren’t the easiest to understand and take care of. I never had a conversation with my father until I was nearly 18 my siblings at least connected much before that. Work doesn’t give any freedom, why would men have to worry about kids or their family, expectations are that if you have kids you have a wife that takes care of them. Time expectations are high. </rant> My apologies for my lack of proper grammar lately, it am having more troubles than usual writing something that makes sense. I will have to go back and reread my blogs written when I was sick and fix them up a bit.
I have mentioned reading a decent chunk of comic books lately due to finding a good sale and have decided to just toss in the list I was making of them anyway. I by no means have read all of them yet but will be over the next few months. This is a good time to mention that my love of comic books developed on the DC side, which is where most of my favourite characters remain. The sale items were almost all marvel, which I suggest happened because everyone is willing to pay full price for DC, thus Marvel clutters up the clearance racks. :p Its nice to have a chance to cut marvel since I am currently outnumbered with my friends allegiances. X-men and spider-man-gage and alberti X-men legacy-Divided he stands X-treme x-men- storm the arena Wolverine First Class-Ninjas, gods, and divas(13-16) X-factor secret invasion-David, Stroman, De landro, cucca Black Panther(storm marriage) Young x-men- Books of revelations(6-12) Young Avengers-Family matters(7-12) Runaways-Dead end kids (25-30) Runaways/Young avengers-Secret invasion(1-3) The mighty avengers-Secret invasion The avengers the initiative-secret invasion(14-19) Thunderbolts(106-109) Peter Parker Spider-man-one small break(27-28, 30-34) The pulse spiderman(1-5) Spider-man and the Black Cat-The evil that men do(1-6) Ultimate Spider-man-clone saga(97-105) Ultimate Spider-man-War of Symbiotes(123-128) The Amazing spider-man-Family ties Friendly Neighborhood spider-man-Derailed The Amazing spider-man -Secret invasion Marvel 70th Anniversary Collection Fantastic Four-Michael straczynski(527-532) Robin the teen wonder I have found some great comics and series’ in this bunch, finding a few that I hope to collect more of. The ones that were not in my taste only drained me a few dollars each, so thankfully I hold no regrets. I have always loved the Spider-man comics and am only a few volumes away from the end of the Ultimate Spider-man series. I have heard many good things about the young avengers and runaways comics and admit they have been good so far. The secret Invasion books have evoked some love/hate from me thus far. I might have a better feel of which writers/illustrators I like after getting through this batch but because of the great mass of them at one time its impossible to want to review them when there are more to read still. After the first day of getting a stack of comics I decided I should brush up on comics that had some LGBT characters. After going through info on the different groups I managed to find a nice batch on sale and on eBay to check out how the characters are developed and portrayed. So far I just find myself in love with the characters and relieved that it is often not their whole story or personality. The variety actually reminds me of myself and my friends. I hope I still feel this way after reading more. “How come all the Cool Chicks are Lesbians”
“Leessbeeannn. Lesbean. All the cool chicks are Lesbians,” My little niece read. I was going through some boxes of jewellery when I heard her reading it out. She can read quite well and takes pride in the ability. She was holding onto a little rainbow pin that I first got from Ian after I came out as a bi at university. I looked down at it and smiled. She looked down at it and smiled too, admiring my handful of pins that I had stored in with my jewellery. “That’s one of my favourite pins, I didn’t make that one, it was a gift from my friend” I told her. “That can go with the rest of my jewellery that I’m taking home.” She smiled down at the little rainbow pin and read it again and again. “How come all the cool chicks are Lesbians!” She looked up at me smiling happily. We continued to look through boxes as I got my stuff organized. The phrase stayed with her as she played through some of my select things. She held onto it for hours, every once in a while, rereading it out loud. Eventually, as I was packing up things, she decided to run it upstairs and tell grandpa about the pin she snitched from me. She came back down the stairs and came up to me with her hands on her hips. “Its not allowed, papa said it was inappropriate.” She said matter-of-factly. I just rolled my eyes. Anything along an lgbt topic and he would tell me to shut it. The kids started a new game of tossing back and forth the new word. “How come all grandmas are lesbians!” “All the hotdogs are lesbians too!” “How come men are all lesbians!” the giggled as they went back and forth. My nephew stopping for a second in mock horror at the last phrase before breaking down into giggles for the next five minutes. Then as they were calming down she finally asked me, “What is a lesbian?” “Its not a bad word, papa was being a goof, lesbian is just a type of girl, or what a girl can be, like girls can be tomboys.” I said. “Oh.” She said, confused by my dull answer, and ran off to play with her brother. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hours later after spending the day hanging out with the kids they headed home. Given the chance to think I thought out loud :“Crap, she held onto that pin for hours, I never got it back, the little thief must have taken it.” I laughed a bit. “Oh, no, he threw it out.” was the reply from my mom in the living room. “What!?” I said, standing there a little stupefied. “He threw it out,” my mom repeated. “Of course I did,” he said, “That’s completely inappropriate to give a kid.” I was still a bit stunned and grasping for words. “She took it from me obviously, she liked it, I didn’t give it to her.” I said as I hurried into the kitchen and pulled out the trash. Having to dig through it I felt humiliated. The pin was surrounded by grime and grease. Thrown away and discarded. “Ian gave it to me years ago.” I felt the heat and frustration rise to my face. “What the hell dad! Seriously, throwing something of mine out like that. And why is it inappropriate? Why would you say that to them? Like it’s a bad word? Something that we aren’t allowed to say? Something dirty? Why would you teach them that? That’s what they did you know. After you reacted like that, they came downstairs and tossed it around like it was a new swear word. Don’t you understand what you are doing?.” I could tell he was fed up and going to stand by it. I felt tears start to run down my cheeks. “Fuck Christmas. Fuck Family. I cant stand this.” I left the room, grabbed my stuff and left. I managed to be okay in the car ride home with my brother but the moment I got to my door I was in tears again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In the last couple months my mothers been amazing. She finds out about some of the bad policies or issues that lgbt people have to deal with and are fighting right now and tells them to me, asking if I heard the latest news on it. My brother amazes me every time with an understanding and acceptance that really fills me with happiness. Sometimes my mother says something and my bro rolls his eyes at her and tells her how its stupid because of such and such and tells her how it is. She listens to him, they talk about it and she gets told by him about how she has some silly stereotypes. She laughs it out and I just listen with honour that my little brother is telling her how she believes too much TV. Though there are stereotypes, all it seems to take is some talking about it to fix things and they have both realized so much on their own it really helps me feel at home. I have been involved in the LGBT collective on campus for 5 years. I am one of the most out people in Brandon and proud to be. I have been working my ass off trying to help people and create a good space and comfortable friends to help people come out and deal with everything that comes with it. I have helped numerous people come out, and shared a lot of tears and shared a lot of happiness they felt about the reactions of their friends and loved ones. I’ve been told numerous painful stories and joyful ones, the painful ones always stick with me. Dreams of being a teacher crushed as they watched their schools parents petition to remove a gay teacher from their school until he finally couldn’t take the harassment anymore and quit. Loosing your best friends to coming out cause they cant deal with what other people might think. Another girls parent finding out that her daughter is dating this ‘lesbian’ girl from school and getting the teachers and principal on board for a rule of ‘the lesbian’ not being able to come within three feet of any other girl throughout high school. Enforced by everyone. Being told by your mother that you are disgusting. Hearing your brother talk about how he bashed another fags face in today and being afraid that one day he will find out about you too. I went through years of harassment. Years of bullying, of teasing. I was the fucking dyke. The stupid butch. The beast. Even my friends would hurt and tease me. I would walk home without fear, despite the things people would say to me. They would tell me they would teach me all sorts of things how it was suppose to be, to teach me how to like cock, telling me how they were going to cut me, how they were going to slice me open, telling me how they were going to fuck me up. They pulled out a knife, and I told them how it was a good thing they brought one cause it gave them a better chance to win the fight. I was filled with frustration, it fuelled me. I felt so caged, so backed in a corner and threatened that I could lash out with words of my own. Bless my stupidity, because intimidation saved me. No one stabbed me, no one beat me, they feared that a knife wouldn’t stop me from hitting them right back. They feared my spirit would hold up. Years of girls putting my clothes in the garbage’s during gym. Of taking my binders and pencils and throwing them in the cafeteria garbage. Of Fucking Butch or Stupid Dyke being scrawled on everything I owned the minute I left to go to the bathroom. Of pop being poured in my hair. Of being shoved around in the hallways. All the rocks. All the spit balls. All the snowballs. All the ice. I spent my high school life as trash. “How come all the cool chicks are lesbians” In a sea of hate. Disgust. Of being the punch line of every joke. What does the word butch or dyke feel like to you? This one time its positive. This one time there’s a shred of acceptance. There’s flattery. Pride is such a relief, such a happy time to reclaim ourselves. You say its biased? You say its telling girls that its only cool to be lesbians? In what world? Our world surrounds marriage, something a huge percentage of people feel is wrong between women. The media and world surrounds straight people dating and meeting the perfect man. Straight people having families. Which parent bothers to say the positive things about LGBT people or their struggles when explaining anything to their kids. How much hate is out there. How much teasing? How many derogative things to call us. So why, in this world full of negativity is this a threat? One shining gem of acceptance through all the painful years. We all hear the shit being said. We hear people calling each other fucking faggots, butches, cock suckers, carpet munchers, fudge packers, fairies, or a fucking queer. Its something said to straight people to tease them, to taunt them, saying they are the creeps of society. Just like us. People stay silent, they wont talk, so we get to live in a world dominated by the only people speaking being the ones who hate us so much that they cant shut up about it. That’s why I couldn’t hold back in the end, that’s what caused me to say something. Everytime you tell me that I have to find different friends. Cause mine are not normal, cause mine are all queers(by the way, they aren’t, it was never a requirement). Everytime you tell me that that is the end of discussion cause I mentioned that I liked girls. All those times you cut me off from talking, the times you turned up the music to train me that the minute I mention something LGBT that you wont listen. Everytime you told me to shut up about it and any issues I had to deal with involving work or discrimination. Its who I am. Its who I date. It’s the discrimination I face and fight. Its my job. Its my thesis. Its my friends. I would rather say nothing than have to censor my entire life. This that you are putting me through, weighs down on me. Everytime you do it. There was so much bullying going on that I started lashing right back at them. A girl would pour her pop in my hair facing me while she did it, and I would immediately get up and kick her ass. First hit was hard enough that she already flew onto the ground. I got suspended every which way you could, inside or outside school suspensions, half days to five days. I even managed to get suspended for looking at another girl in my class wrong, apparently it was a hateful look I gave her.
After a while I had to write up reasons why the school should let me back in every time. I started making friends with the trouble of the school. The after school walk home was filled with groups of people threatening and itching to ‘cut me open’ and ‘curb stomp’ me. I stayed honest about what I did do and what I didn’t do, but my parents stopped believing me and my lunch hour was filled with being forced to talk to the counsellor, where she kept repeatedly asking me why I felt the need to lie about things. The principal tore my mini Wiccan altar(feathers, a small smooth rock, an incense stick and an unlit tealight) from my locker and I wasn’t allowed to bring my pentacle to school. Late in grade ten I finally found out that a friend could be someone who wasn’t insecure about being your friend. Someone who didn’t talk behind your back but defended you wholeheartedly. Someone who didn’t get upset if people were talking about how ‘close’ you seemed to be. It was also a time when a threat to my friends to leave them because I caught them bullying someone was a legitimate concern that caused them to immediately go and apologize and end the bullying permanently. I actually had some sort of value. Something that I wasn’t used to since I was a pretty lame person and always was the bottom of peoples lists of who they would want to hang out with. This managed to last for a while. I had learned to stand up for myself to my step father after there was too much differences between how my sister was treated and I was and it finally got to me. I was still used to clothes handed down from my mother, and cheap $5 flat shoes from walmart as my gym and everything else shoes while my sister always had an all new wardrobe($50 pants) and Nikes. I fought hard for my first $20 non flat bottomed runners from walmart, my stepfather and I screamed at each other, and my mother was forced to get in and do something. I also got grounded often for a week or two with no contact with the outside world other than school, when my sister got grounded for a day, from simply leaving the house. The differences were obvious. |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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