One day in high school my class finally experienced our first information coming from the teachers on homosexuality. My teacher pointed to the class, as if accusing, and told them that one in ten of them shall be gay. The class started looking around at each other. Searching faces, picking out the queers. I became the token dyke, and another very unfortunate soul became the token gay. Dyke, butch and lesbo became constant names for me. Being scrawled on my binder and its papers when I got up to use the bathroom, my stuff being thrown out, being harassed by everyone, being pushed, endless spit balls, being threatened to be cut up and beaten, and being called beast constantly. I dressed and acted like a man. It was my comfort zone. I changed inside the shower stall in the change rooms, always facing away from everyone. I just couldnt manage to be comfortable being who everyone else wanted me to be.
This had all happened before I developed a sexuality. It was almost a year in this before I had my first fantasies, my first interest in sex. I dreamt of women. I fantasized about breasts, curves, and thighs. Dreamt of making them moan. People continued to call me names, I continued to get frustrated with it all. I didn’t know what a Dyke or butch really was, but I knew I shouldn’t like it. I told no one about any of it. Eventually my interest in women was joined with an interest in men too. For women it was detached from comparison or interest in girls my age, the most of which I was worried to be near. I fantasized much about older girls, about nice big breasted next door neighbour types, and sexy women in the media. For men, my first interest came attached to a person. It surprised and embarrassed me. I knew a bit more of what opposite gender stuff was about. It was a confusing addition to an already confusing picture. Eventually I found out my interest in women had ties to the lesbo title. The whole matter was still confusing though and remained confusing for the first few years of high school. Then it was like I got a glimpse of the sorrow that was to come. My grandmother was dying. I had many unfinished fights with the woman, and this was the first death of anyone close to me. But it was nothing to the bomb that hit next. My uncle JR died. He was young, I am getting to his age quickly. He was so much to me. So much time spent with him and it was all loving and magical. He was teaching me to play guitar, about the stars, how to dive, snorkel, and clam diving, all about animals, about life, and how to live it right, about people, about university, my future and showed me how to love and want to protect people. He sang with me, we played board games for days, searched for perfect rocks on the beach, stayed up watching for shooting stars, watched the bats swooping for bugs up close, and had picnics with me. A short while after that my uncle Jack died too. By then I was already numb though. Already empty. I saw the world and all its shadows. All its darkness. And it beckoned me. I cried myself to sleep every night for many months. My eyes were always burning. The first time I went back to B.C after what had happened I started crying every time I was in the shower too, to block the weeping from this alien ‘family‘. I wanted death. I wanted to join him. I was obsessed with it. I spent almost all of my next few years in complete silence. I fought with my parents and any family I had left. They couldn’t understand me. There was more pushing to finally be a woman, but I held onto my comforts the best that I could. After a few years I finally talked to my biological father. I never remembered talking to him before. Though there was an argument or two first. Its not that he didn’t call. I spent every summer out there in B.C with him and his family. I just didn’t quite understand it. I had a real connection with my Nanas cabin and my uncle. I never had any memories with my actual father.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
All
Archives
April 2016
|