There was so much bullying going on that I started lashing right back at them. A girl would pour her pop in my hair facing me while she did it, and I would immediately get up and kick her ass. First hit was hard enough that she already flew onto the ground. I got suspended every which way you could, inside or outside school suspensions, half days to five days. I even managed to get suspended for looking at another girl in my class wrong, apparently it was a hateful look I gave her.
After a while I had to write up reasons why the school should let me back in every time. I started making friends with the trouble of the school. The after school walk home was filled with groups of people threatening and itching to ‘cut me open’ and ‘curb stomp’ me. I stayed honest about what I did do and what I didn’t do, but my parents stopped believing me and my lunch hour was filled with being forced to talk to the counsellor, where she kept repeatedly asking me why I felt the need to lie about things. The principal tore my mini Wiccan altar(feathers, a small smooth rock, an incense stick and an unlit tealight) from my locker and I wasn’t allowed to bring my pentacle to school. Late in grade ten I finally found out that a friend could be someone who wasn’t insecure about being your friend. Someone who didn’t talk behind your back but defended you wholeheartedly. Someone who didn’t get upset if people were talking about how ‘close’ you seemed to be. It was also a time when a threat to my friends to leave them because I caught them bullying someone was a legitimate concern that caused them to immediately go and apologize and end the bullying permanently. I actually had some sort of value. Something that I wasn’t used to since I was a pretty lame person and always was the bottom of peoples lists of who they would want to hang out with. This managed to last for a while. I had learned to stand up for myself to my step father after there was too much differences between how my sister was treated and I was and it finally got to me. I was still used to clothes handed down from my mother, and cheap $5 flat shoes from walmart as my gym and everything else shoes while my sister always had an all new wardrobe($50 pants) and Nikes. I fought hard for my first $20 non flat bottomed runners from walmart, my stepfather and I screamed at each other, and my mother was forced to get in and do something. I also got grounded often for a week or two with no contact with the outside world other than school, when my sister got grounded for a day, from simply leaving the house. The differences were obvious.
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By the time elementary school ended I still had a great deal of love for animals, though now a better understanding of how people loved to kill them. I became aware of the reasons beyond hunting for food that people would kill for and I was quite disturbed by it all, since I felt that we were just a type of animal. Also furthermore, in high school when I realized how little meat a person needed to eat. Yeah I know, I was a bit of a hippie for a child.
By the final year of elementary school I had just lost my best friend Justin to the lure of popularity and dating. I always thought I would marry the guy, its like we were in sync when playing sports together and it just seemed how the world worked that you would marry your best friend. When girls started to hone in however I found my submissive side come in and I backed off. I was scared about what would happen if I tried to put it to question. I was scared of asking him to just stay and keep hanging with me. Since I was no longer always with him, I was forced to spend much more time at home alone. Alone only in the sense though, since I had a good chunk of siblings running around our huge (and haunted) house. I started taking a liking to hanging out in my closet somewhere around this time and hanging out with my imaginary friend (:p). The strongest memory I have from when I was just getting into high school, was how alone I was at this time, but how it hit me hard when my older sister walked me to school and right to my classroom. It was something I held onto for a long time, even now it being one of the memories that kept me trying to keep tabs with her. Who would have figured it would mean so much to me, it was likely that mom told her she had to anyway, but oh well, I would rather think it was the first time my sister felt really like a sister. The next few years were full of reading, biking and hanging out (pretty much solely) with my girly friend whom had issues with considering me her best friend since, well, I was lame. I started getting into Wicca and fell into a depression. I spent many winter evenings sitting on the largest hill just outside town wishing to be back in magical B.C.. I sat watching the sky till I could barely feel my legs anymore, and long after I could no longer feel my face. I spent my summers sitting on one of the hills surrounding the pond, staring off into nothingness. I mourned not having the people who mattered so much to me in my life anymore. I napped while straddling trees out of town and felt the most comfort in being with nature. My home life seemed to be full of me standing there while everyone yelled and screamed at me, and me living in my closet or leaving the house for hours to just be alone somewhere. I remember one particularly scarring time when my mother told my step father that she was leaving and not coming back, slamming the door. Leaving me there. Abandoning me. I started to think about suicide. The world was cruel and full of hate, it was disgusting. I am in another phase of pushing people away right now. Sometimes I do too much, I agree to help too much, and then when someone takes me for granted that I am going to help out even more, I snap. I just get pissed right off. Then I just get in the mood to tell everyone to just fuck off when they are near. It’s a bad place to be. Most of my friends don’t really know how much I am like Jack in that sense. They don’t realize underneath it all, the reason why me and him get along so well is cause I share much of his feelings. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by hatred, typically involving my one job. But then I push away everyone. I have lost friends from telling them to screw off before I got to simmer down. It seems like the only two people who can help me get back are Jack and Chris right now. I am lucky to have them in my life.
Right along with that issue, I have been struggling with a specific comfort issue right now. I have not been treating my two girl friends right. Both of them have admitted that they consider me their best friend. Yet I cant even get comfortable around either of them. Compared to my good guy friends right now, Whom I often smother with hugs and curling up next to them affectionately, touch their hair, or play flirt with, I give these girls nothing. I know full well that it has appeared to them before that I am rejecting and just don’t like them as much. This is not the first time I have had such a problem, my friend Jeff too, that I just could not allow myself to be physically near. Luckily I had some girl friends who were very loving and accepting with my sexuality and smothered me, allowing me to break down some of my first barriers with girls at 19, or else my dating life would have been a struggle. With these girls its because the beginning of our friendship was tainted with a bad night. It was a birthday and we hit up the bar to take care of the newly 18 year old gal friend of ours. Their plan to try to prevent men from getting all over her was to make out on the dance floor, this didn’t seem to prevent them from hitting on them and grabbing but the guys persisted. I was told that I couldn’t try to help them out since I dig chicks too. I was the bi(I dig chicks or dicks) and it wouldn’t be proper since the two girls who were making out were very straight and I am clearly quite a Queer person. I had never imagined trying the idea ridiculous idea of making out with some straight girl to prevent guys from hitting on her. I came along because I am intimidating when need be, and defensive for my girl friends, I give a good look of death and have good reflexes, enough in my opinion to stop her from getting fondled all night. That was my original plan, hence why I found myself in a bar(I kinda hate all straight bars). Instead I stayed with purses, heard how everyone was molesting her, and was told about how it would be wrong for me to be around since I dig girls too and thus could do nothing for her. Over and over I sat their while they told me this sort of stuff, as I quietly sat there letting it get to me. It burned me inside. Since when am I not allowed to dance with chicks? Since when am I a pervert because I was inclined to be on the dance floor to keep an eye out for her? I get it, I’m the trans bi, I’m just a perv all around. You can imagine the distance I put between myself and them when dancing. You can imagine how little I hug them, or how I will not even really touch their hand. When they hurt, half the time I just sit there, its difficult to comfort them. I feel like I could be accused of something or they might start thinking I am perving on them. It has been years of them being my friends but its shadowed by how uncomfortable they make me sometimes. With my old friend Jeff, people accused me of wanting him all the time and he was my best friends boyfriend. So I sat and watched him when he hurt, when he cried and when he shook from grief. I couldn’t bring myself to even touch his hand. I believe the first time I might of ever hugged him was the day he left. I spent too much of my time feeling like shit in high school, having everyone accuse me of perving on everyone that I became well known through all my friends of NEVER hugging anyone. When I met up with one of my friends later when I was 19 and said my goodbyes they were completely shocked, that without thinking I hugged them goodbye. It was at a time when everyone was so accepting and loving that I knew how much physical contact warmed someone. Though, here again in university I find myself struggling. Burned by their words there are some people I cannot seem to hug comfortably. My lack of physical attention has been brought up however. I had to spend a few long hours talking and attempting to sit with my foot touching their leg, eventually being able to hold their hand to apologize, followed by a very awkward hug and a promise to try to lessen the gap of comfort between them and my best guy friends right now. So there are the struggles in my mind right now, my heart ripped out to be examined to understand how it works. Sadly it wouldn’t surprise me too much to find out that other people went through similar. When I hear of others ways through high school not being the queer one, it makes me jealous of what I could have had if I hadn’t been outed till University. Oh well, I love my friends much and live off their acceptance and love returned. ^^ |
Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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