A Timeline for Reference/curiosity(2004-2015):
04’ From years of considered unacceptable in friends and families eyes for dressing like a man through high school, I decided to hand the reins over to my life, I wore what people wanted, did what people wanted, dated who people wanted me to. This ended up meaning that I was used and abused by friends, gained limited acceptance and a feeling like I was a shell, not a person. 08’ I had surrounded myself with friends that love unconditionally and discovered that Trans didn’t mean a lifelong sentence of harassment and never fitting in. That it included the thoughts and feelings of a person, not how hard they visibly tried to constantly be the opposite gender to no avail. I only knew what I saw, and that was a lot of negative and painful stereotypes and transphobia. A positive and accepting partner meant that I could cherish the label of Trans, cut my hair off and start to find my self again without losing their support. My best friends god kids referred to me as Uncle Kris, and I outright felt like I was going to be attacked for it, when I realized no one around me cared to harass me for it, it became my lifeline. As an activist I had decided that I wanted to take the appropriate steps, finding out after these if hormones was a later step. First step was breaking down gender conformity rules, shedding fear, and expressing myself. I also learn that Gender Fluidity is a thing but I continued to lean to being androgynous and passing as male. 12’ My family had the beginnings of knowing of the extent of things. It was beyond my talk of changing my name, and jokes of needing to get one of my brothers to agree to be the new girl, if I were to be out. I notified me mum that I will be going on hormones and I will be changing regardless of anyone. I had battled my demons, ideas of never being accepted and being treated as trash for the rest of my life, and had decided that being myself on the outside and finding acceptance, even of one person outweighed everything else. It was something that was absolutely necessary for me to continue with life. I met a lot of resistance, and family start to put up such a fight. I am mortified that those that I felt would have my back most, refused and rejected this. I had honestly felt that this continuing rejection of me would just lead me to take the only free way out, death. I sketched out an idea of moving to a distant city, cutting off ties with family over a couple months and trying to die unnameable. I fantasized about ways I could accomplish being so unrecognizable that I could have an ungendered burial. It would have been the ultimate horror to have me misgendered or misnamed on a tombstone. 14’ I was already living as they/them, preference he/him, as a male but it was not accepted by family. Dec 14’ Due to families comments of disgust and hatred towards Trans individuals when watching a movie featuring a Trans character who is humiliated and stripped in front of the public for passing, I leave families home on the edge of the city on Christmas morning, to begin a very long walk back home to spend Christmas in bed alone. The cold wind biting at my face while I smoked until I was sick, these things expressed my feelings nicely and helped me keep a cool head(ha ha ha, sorry, puns are my best friends). At this point this is where I want to be most, the walk, then home, safe, and dealing. April 15’ I am happy Trans Clinic is now available in a town near me, not a good 3 hours away, a future somehow seems within reach now. June 15’ Intake meeting and paperwork to be a patient of Trans Clinic, Blood work forms
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Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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