A Timeline for Reference/curiosity(2015-2016):
July 15’ Accidently come out to distant family(it had been 5 years since I saw them) provinces away before a wedding and was surprised to find most of the family supportive and accepting. I had almost cancelled the visit just to have the option of starting HT sooner but it turned into a significant change in my life. First time a sibling had introduced me as their brother, I was so overwhelmed it was like my body was having a heart attack while my mind fell into a coma. This was the first time I had family tell me to correct them so that they could catch the hang of it faster. Before this only a couple of my family members had tried out proper pronouns once or twice. I shared it with my grandmother who showed signs of being quite angry about it, to have her start pronouns right after the conversation confirming my direction in life and to tell me to be sure to tell the rest of the family back home that they got it, in 2 weeks, that it is their time to stop procrastinating and catch up. I return home to politely correct misgendering done by my family, much to their rage and extreme discomfort, except for the nephews, as I don’t want to hurt them. The family had previously punished them when they properly gendered me in the past and I love them too much to want them hurt. I start answering questions of my nephews about my gender openly and honestly just using words that they can understand. Including a particularly hard one where I was asked why at family functions I sometimes leave. It took a minute to put words together as I looked at the reflections of four of my siblings’ kids in the mirror, some of those eyes already knew the answer, they wanted to hear it, they wanted to know they were right. I tell them that “not everyone likes me for who I am, but only if I act as who they want me to be, only if I pretend for them. Sometimes I am with family and I feel like I am surrounded by people who hate for who I am and I realize I can’t handle being there anymore, even for you guys. I am sorry.” One of them says proudly that their parents like me “even as yourself”, another sounds disappointed and says, “I thought so. Yeah, not mine.” It is insane to hear that from them, and I realize that they were already seeing and feeling that negativity. I tell them that the real reason I go to family stuff is because I love them and it’s a chance to spend time with them, I care about them most. I give them a lot of hugs and they start to brag to each other that they knew I loved them lots, I was always spending time with them. It’s when I realized that they were August 15’ Was terrified of being rejected and having to wait longer, in the weeks just previous it was causing me huge stress and even serious depression symptoms, I was fixated on being rejected or being delayed more. Bloodwork is acceptable, start of hormone therapy, henceforth weekly shots to thighs, more bloodwork ordered of course… I quit smoking out of relief and spend the entire afternoon going from drug store to drug store trying to find one that carries my prescription. I give up, and start collecting from each drug parts of my prescription until I have what I need. It is not fun stabbing yourself in the leg with a ridiculously long needle, but weekly stabbings becomes my life. Sept 15’ Family thing, I end up spending some time near a batch of siblings and I stand to correcting. Everyone seems to be uncomfortable and I feel that I shouldn’t be here but before I can escape, I see one I haven’t got to see yet, she walks up, smiles and casually refers to me as uncle Kris to the kids. It’s like it changes the tune of the people around me, it’s the first time I hear some of those siblings ever try out the proper pronouns. The lack of aggression is a huge relief. Nov 15’ My voice just cuts out when I am singing to music. I don’t have the range I am used to anymore; I realize that my voice really is a new instrument now, I can’t sing naturally because half of those notes just don’t play anymore, it is like I have to actively move my fingers up an octave before I sing. It reminds me of my cats ‘broken meows’ that just come out as an open mouth and a whisper of air. I start putting on music showery to practice using and knowing my range. Dec 15’ Referred to Counsellor in the big city to be tested for approval for finding surgeon. It was laid back and I wasn’t stressed about being rejected, so I was in good spirits. It was lengthy but alright. Feb 15’ Referred to a Surgeon Sept 15’- Mar 16’(7months point) Voice has dropped slowly and fairly steadily the last 6 months. Cracks in voice typically only happen when I decide to take advantage of this for comical purposes. Noticeably my arms get hairier, especially in the upper arms and arm pit hair grows to normal abundance. Upper thigh hair gets thicker and darker and extends up my butt and spreads to stomach, back, and a thinly on my chest. Start of some stray hairs appear on my chin then turn into a big patch of inch and a half long dark hairs and cm long whisps of light hair all over my cheeks and jawline turn into one side of my face having dark sideburns coming in, and reaching down my jaw. Telling me mum that when I came up in conversations that I would prefer that I was still referred to properly, that I can’t help but feel if it’s hidden that it’s because she is ashamed of me. I don’t like needing to ask it of her, but as it stands I cannot be near most family and I don’t want to continue to live like this. I want to be able to live properly one day, so this is the path I must take.
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Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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