I started university with a social experiment, I dressed as a goth but managed a smile on my face most of the time when walking through the hallways. It was easy to do once I realized that NO ONE wanted to actually maintain eye contact. After a decent length of time doing this I managed to find only three people who smiled back. Everyone else instantly averted attention elsewhere when they saw my attire. The three people were a cool dark chick(whom I never could find on campus again O.o), a tall guy and a short guy whom we can call Big Slimey and Little Slimey (B.Slimey=6’4“? whom I ended up having my soc class with) (L.Slimey.=5’6”? whom I ended up having my psych class with).
Little Slimey became my first love and Big Slimey became my best friend. My guidance managed to completely change L.Slimeys life around. He had been rejected and felt inadequate, and found socializing horrific. B.Slimey let me become more close to him than anyone else, but had a hard time seeing me go through the troublesome times with L.Slimey and ended up cutting me out of his life. He shut lots of his friends out of his life after that and became more political and detatched. L.Slimey ended our relationship a social butterfly and a fantastic person, but costed me my self esteem and happiness. L.Slimey said too many terrible things to me when we were breaking up for it to just bounce off me. I started to play piano, delving into a world that I previously only dreamed I could be a part of. I completely embraced music and the arts. I didnt dare to draw much then, my best friend whom I have decided to refer to as Cute Asian. Cute Asian had skills so hardcore that when compared closely next to each other it would render my artwork the equivilent of a drawing of a broken blade of grass(or it might be a tree) compared to one of gustav klimt's(<3) works. Though they drew mostly dragons. I fought hard to get into a good groove, battling depression and obsessive suicidal thoughts. I managed to find myself steady again. I decided to start constantly hanging out with a fantastic friend of mine which I realized later was a great move. At one point it dawned on me that I needed to find out if they thought I was date worthy before somebody else found them. They had a smooth body, pretty eyes, a sweet smile and a nice ass. I managed to gain their attention and got to feel a love greater than I thought could exist. I easily envisioned myself having a full future with them. I was able to rid myself of insecurities by letting our relationship shelter me from most unremedied pains. I found myself at a loss when my ex L.Slimey was chasing our mutual best friend. There was a lot of unfinished business, like them telling me that I was shit in their life to help them adjust to the idea of breaking up with me in the first place. L.Slimey and our best friend hooked up, and found it impossible to keep most of those relationships healthy. I ended up having to cut off communication with Slimey and gained some intense resentment towards our friend. I found myself slipping back into depression but that relationship and love of my current relationship kept me sane and got me through dealing with my ex's bullshit. But then it was my loves turn with the issues. They started struggling with issues of jealousy and addiction and I started struggling back. I started to see these issues as similar to my step father and mothers relationship. I started to doubt their reliability. I became horrified of how it could end up being, not knowing who they were anymore. I left the relationship and before they even left I got the blunt realization of how my breaking up with them was the ultimate betrayal in their eyes. Things would never be the same. It didn’t matter if I would just choose to be single and not looking. I found out I couldn’t keep them around no matter how much I tried. I lost them as a lover and as my best friend. With them I found myself on a level of relationship and intimacy that I have yet to find again (though I am biased, I push people away right now, I dont feel like dating). They left my life and I found myself with scarcely any good friends left. The last of my best friends at this time went through a rough breakup, started blaming me for their lives woes and I finally lost everything that I held dear to me. It was hard to deal with being so loyal to someone and putting all your faith in them, then finding out they blame you without reason. I mourned my losses of my friends but within a week, two broken people were dropped off on my doorstep for me to mend. Out of these I now have some of my best friends, but life and people laying constant demands and judgement on me kept me so busy that I didn’t even notice when I lost myself completely. I became solely about others. A shell.
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Kris
I am a Bi+Trans geeky student who is all about Gaming, Music, Drawing, Writing, Anime, Comic books, and Web comics. Categories
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April 2016
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