Hey guys. So I should definitely be studying right now, but I need to rant. I got into a fight with one of my best friends last night and I feel pretty terrible about it. She's been going through a rough time lately and it was really uncool of me to bring up certain things at the time that I did. But the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing that I really can't take full blame for it. I'm gonna quickly go over what happened and then go over my thoughts on it. We'll call my friend "Teresa"
Me: Did you hear there's gonna be an election? I'm exited. It'll be the first time I can legally vote. Teresa: Yeah. I knew before everyone was talking about. You know these things when you're a poli-sci student. Me: Jeez, you sound like a hipster douche. "I knew about it before it was popular!" Teresa: You shouldn't use douche in a derogatory manner. It gives a negative connotation to femininity. Me: Fine. You sound like a hipster cumwad. Teresa: You shouldn't use masculine things an insult either. I know you're all feminist and stuff, but that doesn't mean you should put down men. I believe in equal rights. Actually I just call that being human. Believing in equal rights. Me: I'm not one of those feminists. I do all of my essays on how men have issues too and how the gender studies program shouldn't just be always focusing on women's issues. Teresa: Calm down, jeez you're always so uptight. It's not like I called you a radical or something. Me: Yeah, but you always do that. You say something to me that's actually kind of incredibly insulting and accuse me of being something that is basically against everything I believe in. You-- Teresa: I was just joking! How come other people can joke about political stuff but I can't? Me: Because you don't ever sound like you're joking. You say it the same way you say everything else and you sound like you believe it. Maybe if you're joking you should actually change your tone and not say things in a serious tone and act like you're totally serious. Seriously, you do this all the time. Teresa: I do what? Me: every time we hang out you shoot down everything I say and make me feel terrible about myself. And if I ever have an opinion that's different from yours you actually start yelling and screaming about how you're right. You don't actually talk calmly and discuss why you're right. You just yell and scream about how right you are. Teresa: Well maybe if I'm such a bitch you shouldn't hang out with me. And then she stormed out. I called and texted her multiple times and basically just got a big "fuck off" in response. I'm starting to think that maybe it's for the best. I actually have to cheer myself up after hanging out with her because she just shoots down everything I say. I honestly don't even talk around her that much because every time I say anything she just shoots me down and makes me feel horrible. And every few weeks she's say something that's deeply insulting towards me, like she did last night, and I have to be careful to just try and keep quiet and not say anything at all because I know if I try to defend myself at all, she'll just get offended. I have to do this because I have extreme mood swings that she is completely aware of, and knows that they can be triggered by how people around me are acting. But then, while I was trying to calm myself down so I didn't snap at her, she starting going on about how uptight I was and I thought that maybe I should actually talk to her about how she's so negative towards me all the time, and that's why I was "uptight" when she totally insulted me. But I forgot that she's the only person who's allowed to have a mood disorder and freak out at people and have everything be okay afterwards and no one else can ever have a problem with her because why would they? She's perfect and she never asks anything of anyone! She actually has gone on to me about how she always sacrifices so much for her friends and will drop everything for them, but when she needs help she would NEVER ask anyone to sacrifice their time for her. She said this after asking me to stop studying for a test I had the next day and walk over to her house so that she could talk about how much her friends suck and no one cares about her. She refuses to see that people obviously care about her, because I'm not the only person who's dropped everything to go make sure she's okay. I just don't know if I can keep hanging around with someone who makes me feel like shit all the time. I'm tired of everything revolving around her.
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Hey guys
So I've been under a lot of stress with school and stuff so I apoligize for being terrible and never updating my blog. Sorry for neglecting you. One day when I don't have all these paper deadlines and tests to work on, you'll be higher on my list of priorities. But for now, keeping up my grades so I don't get kicked out of school is really my biggest concern. So I'm gonna throw up another poem on here. I wrote it in high school, and it's close to what I've been feeling lately, although now it's to a much lesser degree. I wrote it around the same time as the last poem, "Dying Faith" that I put up. So 'Read More' if you wanna have a look. Ugh. I am in so much pain right now. I recently had my tonsils removed, and despite the painkillers, I'm still in enough pain that I want to break things.
My surgery was in Saskatoon, where my best guy friend lives. I was looking forward to being able to see him and hang out. But that didn't happen. He lives with his grandparents and his psycho ex. His psycho ex hates me because she thinks I'm a threat and I'm gonna make out with him and "steal" him from her. I tried calling and she yelled at me about how I wanted him to go to my grad 3 years ago, and she blocked my number. I can't talk to the person I've been closest with for roughly 7 years because his psycho ex who thinks she still has a chance to get back together with him, thinks I'm gonna be all over him or something. I'm just completely pissed about this. And I'm angry at him for not doing something about it. I haven't talked to him in months. FML. So recovering from surgery, can't talk to my best friend, and on top of that, I was kinda dumped by the girl I've been sort-of seeing. We weren't serious or exclusive or official or anything, but it still hurts. It was a semi-mutual thing, but I did really like her. And she got me rainbow roses. *sigh* Ok. I got most of the whining out of my system now. Yes, I know. I need to remember to blog more. My life has kinda been taken over by school lately. I recently wrote a test for a class that I HATE but need for my major, and I walked out feeling like such a failure. I studied my ass for that test, but it was just so ridiculous. I kinda ended up drinking my face off later that night because of how crappy I felt about it. Hurry for unhealthy coping mechanisms!
On a somewhat related note, I've been feeling incredibly insecure lately. I'm broke to the point where it's affecting my social life, which affects my entire self-concept. So already feeling insecure because I'm not getting my usual fix of being social and releasing endorphins and all that good stuff, feeling like I fail at school, and just feeling generally unstable. I might actually be considering going on some sort of medication, but I can't afford it. Meds for physical sickness have already significantly depleted my bank account this semester. Anyways, so far this weekend I've been a total slacker, so I'm gonna get some homework done. xoxo So this semester, I'm taking a philosophy course. And apparently, a big part of philosophy is thinking about God or a higher power. It made me think a lot about high school when I was majorly into the whole Christian thing. In particular, it made me think a lot about why I started being...we'll say less enthusiastic about it. Don't get me wrong, I still do believe in the idea of a higher power. But what I believe doesn't exactly go with the Christian ideal. There's just too many conflicting ideas in the Bible, but I do like most of Jesus' teachings.
Anyway, To go along with this I thought I'd post a poem that I wrote in high school around the time that I was starting to doubt pretty much everything I'd grown up believing. It's one that I'm particularly po So "Read More" to have a look. When Kris posted her blog on her tattoos, she told me I should also throw up a picture of my tattoo on here. I kept intending to do it, but forgot to do so every time I was updating. So here, my darlings, is a picture of my tattoo. For those of you who don't know, because I always get asked what it means, it is a symbol of bisexuality, and also the symbol of the Goddess in Wicca. I'm not really religious, but I am spiritual. If you had to put me in a category, I'm somewhere in between agnostic and Christian. But that's another blog for another time. Anyways, I figured I'd post a poem that I wrote more recently. It's about coming out as bisexual. So 'Read More' if you wanna have a look. Oh Blog, I'm sorry I've neglected you. But I had a pretty decent excuse. Going home for the holidays and therefore, having no internet access.
So Christmas break. Yay! I gotta say, it was pretty decent. My uncle Frank and Aunty Bert are living with my parents now, so the house was a little more full than what I was used to, but it was okay. Also, my brother who hasn't been living at home, moved back home, which just made my entire break. I love that kid so much. The highlight of my break was the wedding of one of my good friends from high school. It was a beautiful ceremony and a wonderful reception which led into an awesome New Years party. Speaking of New Years, I've decided my resolution this year is to take more pictures. Yeah. None of that improving my life crap for me this year :P I'm actually looking forward to the New Year. It started off pretty well, and while of course I'm not naive enough to believe that it's going to be trouble free, I have a pretty optimistic outlook for 2011. So far. I have a huge amount of errands to run tomorrow, so I'm gonna call it a night now, but I'll be back soon! xoxo There's this quote from One Tree Hill that was a big deal in the earlier seasons. "People always leave". That quote is the reason I started to really like the character Peyton Sawyer. I could identify with that. People always leaving, always stabbing me in the back.
I have this fear of people leaving me. Call it abandonment issues or trust issues, whatever. I'm not sure when they first started, just that they intensified throughout high school, particularly in my grade 12 year. But that's a different story for a different time. I've been thinking about this whole trust issue thing a lot lately, and maybe it's because I'm just not the type of person people want to be around. Maybe that's why people always leave. Wow, this sounds a lot more emo than I intended it to. I used to push people away when I felt them getting too close. To a certain degree, I still do, but there are a few people in my life who managed to get through that stage of friendship where I panic and withdraw from people. In fact, I don't think a couple of my friends who are probably the closest to me even went through that stage. It just sort of got by-passed because they were all I had at some point in my life. I'm so terrified of people leaving me, but am I pushing them to that point? That's the main point I'm trying to get at. I try to stay connected with everyone, but maybe I'm not trying hard enough. If one of my friends feels abandon by me, then it's obviously my fault. I'm not trying hard enough to keep up with everyone. I need to work on that. I tend to get pretty absorbed with school and some days I just want to be a hermit. But if my friends are suffering because of that, then obviously that's something I need to work on. I don't want to let someone I care about down. That's really all I can say for now. Maybe I'll do a part 2 later, explain a little bit more or try to make this make more sense. Ok, so Kris just 'politely' pointed out how I haven't updated in a while, and since I have an exam tomorrow, I'm gonna post a quick poem. This is a poem I wrote the year I graduated from high school when I was feeling very alienated and apathetic. So 'Read More' if you wanna give it a look!
Ok, so right now I should be working on my 15-page essay which is due tomorrow, as I have only completed roughly 7 pages. But IT'S MY BIRTHDAY AND I WILL BLOG IF I WANT TO! So my roommate is super awesome and got me THE BEST MAGNET EVER!! Check it! So great right? I know! Speaking of kissing girls...I have something to rant about! What a surprise! I've mentioned before that I've never really experienced overt homophobia before. But last saturday I had my first experience with it. I had no idea people could be this freakin ignorant. So, Jack, me and some other friends (including my wifey) decided to head to the bar last Saturday. We were out on the dance floor and me and my wifey were making out. Out of nowhere this girl comes up and starts harassing us. She said what we were doing was wrong and we shouldn't be doing that. First of all it was NONE OF HER DAMN BUSINESS! She just got all up in our faces because apparently it's ok for her to come to the bar, drink her face off, and make out with some stranger but it's not ok for us to make out. WTF?! After a while she said her problem was that we were getting all the attention from the guys in the bar and she wasn't. I have soooo many problems with that. 1. We didn't want guys attention. We are into each other, we do NOT make out purely for the amusement of men. 2. We had our guy friends with us. NONE of the guys in the bar were coming up to us. 3. Get over yourself. Maybe it's not our fault that no guys are hitting on you. This girl was just insane. At one point she was pushing Jack, and trying to provoke him to hit her. She told this guy in the bar that we were bothering her and that he should fight our guys friends. But when he saw that she was the one starting stuff, and our guy friends were just stepping in to keep us from attacking each other, he kind of backed off. I am still so mad about this girl. What makes her think she has the right to tell us that me making out with another girl is wrong? I'm generally a pretty chill person, but the things this girl said just make me so angry. So while I'm angry about it, I may as well direct my energy towards something productive. Like that essay. I'll try and update soon my lovelies! xoxo |
T-Girl
The one with estrogen. Bisexual, student, poet. Intrigued? Well good thing there's an entire blog for you to read then. Archives
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