The state of the world lately...I just...I don't know anymore. I like to be positive. I try so hard to stay positive. But Sometimes it's just so hard. The way that people devalue the lives and hardships of others. I don't even know where to start. Here's what been getting me down, not necessarily in any particular order.
A while ago there was the rape trial. The one where the judge said that it wasn't rape because "sex was in the air". Just another way of saying that she was asking for it. No means no whether or not sex was previously implied. Here's the link for that story: http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/breakingnews/rape-victim-inviting-so-no-jail--rape-victim-inviting-so-no-jail-116801578.html Then there was Amanda Todd. I talked about this in a previous blog, but it's just something I don't think should be forgotten. There was the Aurora shooting during a midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises. It was something that killed a little bit of my soul. The people in that theater believed in heroes. They were people like myself and my friends who sought solace in something besides the darkness of this world, and twelve people were killed by that very darkness. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Aurora_shooting There was the Sandy Hook shooting. Possibly one of the most heartbreaking stories of the year. Children were murdered. Innocents who had their whole lives ahead of them, their futures were stolen. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sandy_Hook_Elementary_School_shooting There was the Stuebenville rape case. Terrible things were done to that girl. Pictures and video were taken. There were tweets detailing it. There were text messages. There was an abundance of evidence detailing the night that ruined a young woman's life. And what happened? Instead of the perpetrators getting maximum jail time, they were sentenced to two years while major news networks paid tribute to the attackers. http://www.upworthy.com/cnn-pays-touching-tribute-to-the-rapists-who-attacked-a-16-year-old-girl?c=upw1 There was a similar case to this one. The victim was recently taken off life support after attempting suicide following a rape where pictures of the rape were posted online. Even though there were pictures of the actual rape, police said there wasn't enough evidence to press charges. http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/04/09/rehtaeh-parsons-suicide-bullying-rape_n_3044885.html Finally the Boston Marathon bombings. Why? Why must there be so much terror and hatred in the world. What could rationalize something like this? http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/15/us/boston-marathon-explosions/index.html I just can't make sense of this kind of world.
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So something that I've been wanting to talk about for a while is bullying and the impact it can have. And with the recent news about Amanda Todd, I thought now might be a good time.
I'm going to talk about the particular brand of bullying that Amanda Todd went through. The pressure that many teen girls face that is written off as normal and "boys will be boys" I hate that saying, by the way. "Boys will be boys". It's so dismissive. As though the harassment, the pressure, and even the rape can be attributed to boys just being boys. No big deal. They're supposed to be manly. Supposed to chase girls around to show how manly they are. Teenage girls face so much pressure to be pretty. To be desirable. To be sexy. Teenage girls should not have to be sexy. Yet there is a fetishism for teen girls and if you walk into any high school in North America you'll see make-up and miniskirts on most of the girls. Teenage girls are vulnerable. And they're told that the only way they'll be worth anything is if they're seen as desirable. If they're not in the top 2% of "hot, popular girls" in high school, and often even if they are, they start looking for something to validate them. Someone to tell them they're worth something. Sometimes they find a legitimate way to validate their worth. But most of the time, they seek attention from boys. They put up with harassment because it signals that maybe someone would find them attractive. The bra snapping, the grabbing, the pinching. It's not ok. And the worst part is it's dismissed as normal. As boys will be boys. Amanda Todd was called a slut among many other things because of a boy distributing pictures of her breasts online and in her school. This was not her fault. These pictures were used to threaten her, and even when she moved elsewhere, her stalker found her. Even now, people are still bullying her, saying she deserved it and making fun of her first suicide attempt. This still boggles my mind. It's not okay to make fun of suicide. This is when I truly begin to believe that there is no hope for the human race. The damage that bullying can do is often carried along with people for life. I was a victim of intense bullying from elementary up to high school, and I can say that I understand the damage it does. The first time I attempted suicide, I was in third grade, and it was because I couldn't stand coming to school everyday to be tormented. I continued to be extremely depressed for most of my life. I attempted suicide a couple times again in high school because I believed them when they said I was worthless. Even now, when I have a wonderful group of friends who support me and a better relationship with my family, I still am on anti-depressants to keep the thoughts that I'm worthless and don't mean anything to anyone from becoming too much for me. Please, if you see bullying happening, stop it. All it takes is for one person to stand up, and you could be saving a life. Oh my. I really haven't posted in a while. Sorry about that. Summer will be a great opportunity to do more blogging and less studying. Also I am looking forward to being able to read for pleasure, and not just read textbooks anymore.
I thought stress in my life would be over as soon as I was done school, but I forgot about something that's been a significant source of stress since high school: drama. I usually try to stay away from any and all sources of drama, but it's one of those things that has a habit of seeking me out. I really don't know if I can handle it. People don't realize how broken I really am, and tend to lean on me a lot and I don't know if I can support them when I can barely keep myself alive. Right now I'm suffering from both physical and emotional wounds. Physical wounds because the road looked at me funny, so I used my mad ninja skills to attack it. To the untrained eye, it may have looked like I fell, but I was totally in control of the situation. I'm also trying to keep myself sane and in a healthy state of mind as my dog, Jet, who I've had for 8 years recently passed away. I'm so broken because of it. She was such a great dog. I love her so much. She was the only one who was always there for me no matter what all throughout high school. She would always cuddle up with me when I was sick or upset. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's covering up pain. I had four years of high school to perfect that art. Outside, I look like I'm fine. But inside I'm 2 inches away from breaking. Hey guys
So I've been under a lot of stress with school and stuff so I apoligize for being terrible and never updating my blog. Sorry for neglecting you. One day when I don't have all these paper deadlines and tests to work on, you'll be higher on my list of priorities. But for now, keeping up my grades so I don't get kicked out of school is really my biggest concern. So I'm gonna throw up another poem on here. I wrote it in high school, and it's close to what I've been feeling lately, although now it's to a much lesser degree. I wrote it around the same time as the last poem, "Dying Faith" that I put up. So 'Read More' if you wanna have a look. Yes, I know. I need to remember to blog more. My life has kinda been taken over by school lately. I recently wrote a test for a class that I HATE but need for my major, and I walked out feeling like such a failure. I studied my ass for that test, but it was just so ridiculous. I kinda ended up drinking my face off later that night because of how crappy I felt about it. Hurry for unhealthy coping mechanisms!
On a somewhat related note, I've been feeling incredibly insecure lately. I'm broke to the point where it's affecting my social life, which affects my entire self-concept. So already feeling insecure because I'm not getting my usual fix of being social and releasing endorphins and all that good stuff, feeling like I fail at school, and just feeling generally unstable. I might actually be considering going on some sort of medication, but I can't afford it. Meds for physical sickness have already significantly depleted my bank account this semester. Anyways, so far this weekend I've been a total slacker, so I'm gonna get some homework done. xoxo Ok, so Kris just 'politely' pointed out how I haven't updated in a while, and since I have an exam tomorrow, I'm gonna post a quick poem. This is a poem I wrote the year I graduated from high school when I was feeling very alienated and apathetic. So 'Read More' if you wanna give it a look!
I seem to have a lot of anger lately. I'm just gonna start with that and get it out of the way. I have pretty severe mood swings, but lately they seem to me more on the negative side. Thanks to my entire high school experience, I've gotten pretty good at feigning a happy face for the benefit of the masses. This is apparently the only falsehood-type thing I'm slightly good at. Lord knows I can't act on stage, and I'm just a horrible, horrible liar. I can't even do it over the phone. But I can pretend everything is going okay like my life depends on it. Sometimes I think it does.
The only problem, really, is that it's just exhausting pretending to be happy all the time, and eventually I will snap if things don't get better. Around the time I sense this happening I try to distance myself from everyone I care about. When I snap, I prefer to be alone, which can be tricky when you live in a tiny box with another person. Speaking of the roommate, I am seriously considering requesting a new one. Yes I know it's late in the year, but I am going to fail my test tomorrow because I'm not getting enough sleep thanks to her snoring. I bitch so much about her snoring on here, but really it's just terrible. My step-dad snores. My mom snores. I've had a couple boy-friends who snore. But she snores louder than ANY of them. I am actually ready to either burst into tears or scream. I can't even block it out anymore since my earphones broke and I'm using my headphones which do nothing for canceling outside noise, no matter how high I turn up the volume on my iPod. Anyways, getting back to that whole anger thing. Since around grade nine, I've learned to control my emotions. My mom is one of the most emotional people I know. People think that my mood swings can be set off easily, but my mom's mood swings can be set off by close to nothing. She's pretty amazing, but just a very emotional person, and expects me to be more emotional sometimes. I am a pretty emotional person, but I keep a lot of things inside. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. There are a few people who I allow to see everything, but for the most part, I try to keep everything under control. This can be good for times like now, when I'm angry at everything and just want to punch stuff, but it's a bit of a double-edged sword. I see people get excited over stuff, and I sometimes wish I could let myself go like that. I wish I could just let go and be overcome with happiness, but I really can't. I don't express happiness the way other people do, and I think I don't feel it the way other people do. I smile, I see everyone around me being excited, and I try my best to blend into the atmosphere, but I feel like it's all just a shell. I'm not empty inside, I'm just very, very guarded. I think this rant has gone on long enough. Also it may make sense in my mind, but it's probably pretty random and jumping from subject to slightly-related subject. Sorry, but I did try to stay on topic. xoxo |
T-Girl
The one with estrogen. Bisexual, student, poet. Intrigued? Well good thing there's an entire blog for you to read then. Archives
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