I seem to have a lot of anger lately. I'm just gonna start with that and get it out of the way. I have pretty severe mood swings, but lately they seem to me more on the negative side. Thanks to my entire high school experience, I've gotten pretty good at feigning a happy face for the benefit of the masses. This is apparently the only falsehood-type thing I'm slightly good at. Lord knows I can't act on stage, and I'm just a horrible, horrible liar. I can't even do it over the phone. But I can pretend everything is going okay like my life depends on it. Sometimes I think it does.
The only problem, really, is that it's just exhausting pretending to be happy all the time, and eventually I will snap if things don't get better. Around the time I sense this happening I try to distance myself from everyone I care about. When I snap, I prefer to be alone, which can be tricky when you live in a tiny box with another person. Speaking of the roommate, I am seriously considering requesting a new one. Yes I know it's late in the year, but I am going to fail my test tomorrow because I'm not getting enough sleep thanks to her snoring. I bitch so much about her snoring on here, but really it's just terrible. My step-dad snores. My mom snores. I've had a couple boy-friends who snore. But she snores louder than ANY of them. I am actually ready to either burst into tears or scream. I can't even block it out anymore since my earphones broke and I'm using my headphones which do nothing for canceling outside noise, no matter how high I turn up the volume on my iPod. Anyways, getting back to that whole anger thing. Since around grade nine, I've learned to control my emotions. My mom is one of the most emotional people I know. People think that my mood swings can be set off easily, but my mom's mood swings can be set off by close to nothing. She's pretty amazing, but just a very emotional person, and expects me to be more emotional sometimes. I am a pretty emotional person, but I keep a lot of things inside. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. There are a few people who I allow to see everything, but for the most part, I try to keep everything under control. This can be good for times like now, when I'm angry at everything and just want to punch stuff, but it's a bit of a double-edged sword. I see people get excited over stuff, and I sometimes wish I could let myself go like that. I wish I could just let go and be overcome with happiness, but I really can't. I don't express happiness the way other people do, and I think I don't feel it the way other people do. I smile, I see everyone around me being excited, and I try my best to blend into the atmosphere, but I feel like it's all just a shell. I'm not empty inside, I'm just very, very guarded. I think this rant has gone on long enough. Also it may make sense in my mind, but it's probably pretty random and jumping from subject to slightly-related subject. Sorry, but I did try to stay on topic. xoxo
1 Comment
~K~
11/29/2010 07:17:45 pm
If you are getting crazy then buy sleeping pills(sleepezze?) and/or grab earplugs. Isnt the reaching of the point of crazy and hate filled life, a good excuse to splurge or give in and just try to see whats worse? If you are unwilling to try alternatives then you cant fully blame your roommate.
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T-Girl
The one with estrogen. Bisexual, student, poet. Intrigued? Well good thing there's an entire blog for you to read then. Archives
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