I seem to have a lot of anger lately. I'm just gonna start with that and get it out of the way. I have pretty severe mood swings, but lately they seem to me more on the negative side. Thanks to my entire high school experience, I've gotten pretty good at feigning a happy face for the benefit of the masses. This is apparently the only falsehood-type thing I'm slightly good at. Lord knows I can't act on stage, and I'm just a horrible, horrible liar. I can't even do it over the phone. But I can pretend everything is going okay like my life depends on it. Sometimes I think it does.
The only problem, really, is that it's just exhausting pretending to be happy all the time, and eventually I will snap if things don't get better. Around the time I sense this happening I try to distance myself from everyone I care about. When I snap, I prefer to be alone, which can be tricky when you live in a tiny box with another person. Speaking of the roommate, I am seriously considering requesting a new one. Yes I know it's late in the year, but I am going to fail my test tomorrow because I'm not getting enough sleep thanks to her snoring. I bitch so much about her snoring on here, but really it's just terrible. My step-dad snores. My mom snores. I've had a couple boy-friends who snore. But she snores louder than ANY of them. I am actually ready to either burst into tears or scream. I can't even block it out anymore since my earphones broke and I'm using my headphones which do nothing for canceling outside noise, no matter how high I turn up the volume on my iPod. Anyways, getting back to that whole anger thing. Since around grade nine, I've learned to control my emotions. My mom is one of the most emotional people I know. People think that my mood swings can be set off easily, but my mom's mood swings can be set off by close to nothing. She's pretty amazing, but just a very emotional person, and expects me to be more emotional sometimes. I am a pretty emotional person, but I keep a lot of things inside. I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. There are a few people who I allow to see everything, but for the most part, I try to keep everything under control. This can be good for times like now, when I'm angry at everything and just want to punch stuff, but it's a bit of a double-edged sword. I see people get excited over stuff, and I sometimes wish I could let myself go like that. I wish I could just let go and be overcome with happiness, but I really can't. I don't express happiness the way other people do, and I think I don't feel it the way other people do. I smile, I see everyone around me being excited, and I try my best to blend into the atmosphere, but I feel like it's all just a shell. I'm not empty inside, I'm just very, very guarded. I think this rant has gone on long enough. Also it may make sense in my mind, but it's probably pretty random and jumping from subject to slightly-related subject. Sorry, but I did try to stay on topic. xoxo
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Hurray for procrastination! I should really be studying or writing essays right now. But I feel the call to blog once again. Also I feel like a blog a lot less than anyone else because I'm pretty consumed by other things at the moment. So my big annoncement of the week is: I've got contacts! Yay! They feel sooo weird. I feel like I shouldn't be able to see because I'm not wearing my glasses, but I can. This results in me being slightly dizzy for the first five minutes of wearing them, and a lot of trying to push up my glasses that aren't actually there.
I'm thinking that I will relocate for studying soon, as my roommate has a friend over, and it's really distracting trying to study when I hear a lot of chattering in a foreign language. I apolegize for the randomness. I'm still unsure about how much I should reveal on this blog. I really hate spilling my guts, but when I'm doing it to a faceless computer screen, it seems a lot easier. So I'm thinking I should do first things first, and part 2 of coming out? Ok, here we go: Coming out to my friends happened rather sporadically. Coming out is a continuous thing. You can't just do it once and get over it. I came out to a few close friends before coming out to my family, but after coming out to my family, It was time to come out in a more personal way than over facebook to a select group, being my close friends from high school. Did I mention I was a total church kid in high school? My church was pretty great with the whole tolerance thing, but I was still pretty terrified. I really wish I was brave enough to come out to some of my friends in person while I was home for Christmas break, but I did live 45 minutes out of town, and it was hard to actually get into town and see my friends, especially considering the road conditions. Also not all of my friends were home for Christmas. So coming out via the phone was really the best option for me. I'm not really sure what I was expecting, but my friends were all really amazing. The general response seemed to be "You know my views on the subject, but I still support you and love you". And that was really all I wanted. After coming out to everyone who needed to be informed via more personal mediums, I came out via facebook, to let all those random acquaintances know. I was really sick of hiding who I was and I really saw no reason why my sexual orientation should be something that I hid, like I was ashamed of it. I have to say, I've never really experienced overt homophobia, just some minor misunderstandings. I will probably post a rant that I wrote in creative writing about misconceptions about bisexualism, in particular bisexual women on here at a later date. But coming out is still the most terrifying thing I have to do every time I do it. I may seem calm on the outside, but usually my heart is racing overtime. I never know how new people are going to react. And occasionally, people's reactions can be frustrating, but not overtly homophobic, just ill-informed. ex. "Oh so you'll make out with girls? That's so hot." Everyone thinks of coming out as something that happens once and then its done. But unless you're a famous celebrity, you have to keep doing it, and keep having that anxiety, and keep being afraid of people's reactions for the rest of your life. But to be open and honest about who you are and not have to hide things, it is completely worth it. So I have been crazy busy with school lately. It's kinda crunch time, so I fail at being up to date with this blog. So I'm gonna toss another old poem on here for now because I have no creative juices flowing and my life is being taken over by papers, assignments, and exams. So 'Read More' for another poem.
So my roommate's subconscious is practicing some kind of bizarre psychological warfare on me. I swear she is quiet as a mouse when I come home and while I am changing into my pj's but as soon as I get into bed she starts with the snoring at a volume normally reserved for small aircrafts. Which would explain while I'm here, blogging while I wait for the new episode of Glee to loud. Kris, I am so taking you up on your offer to crash at your place asap.
So, I've been inspired by Kris and Jack's more personal blogs to do one on my history to give you a better sense of who I am. I've been debating about which experience to blog about, how much to reveal, and what's appropriate. I've decided on my experience with coming out. I'm from a very small town, so I knew I couldn't come out to any of my friends back home (with two exceptions) until after coming out to my family, because otherwise, they'd hear it from someone else. I also thought I wouldn't be able to come out to my family until after I was done school and wasn't at all dependent on my parents, because I was sure that I would be kicked out. For some reason, I always end up having really meaningful conversations with my mom while we're in the car. I have no idea why. It may have something to do with that being pretty much the only alone time we have together. I believe I was showing her some music from Rent, which turned to a conversation about the content of the movie. At some point I got really frustrated with her talking about how she couldn't understand how gay marriage is bad and la-de-da and just burst out "I'm bisexual". Her response couldn't have surprised me more. She said "Oh, I kind of figured you were. You're always hanging out with those gays." I just stared at her, in shock. "You're...not mad?" I asked "Well what do you expect me to do kick you out?" She laughed. "Ummm...yeah" She sighed, "I've already come to terms with it. You're still my daughter and it doesn't change who you are. But I do want grandchildren....so try to marry a man." At that point I muttered something about adoption and artificial insemination and then sat in silence and let the idea set in that my mom didn't hate me for being different sink in. "You may want to wait a while before telling Tom though". My mom said. "You don't have to remind me" I answered. Tom is my very homophobic step-dad who has, in the past, made comments such as: "They should gather all the fags together, put them on an island, and blow it up." To say I was terrified of coming out to him was an understatement. After being home for a couple days, I came out to my younger brother, who, like my step-dad has made homophobic comments. My hands were actually shaking when I knocked on his door. I stepped inside and sat on his bed beside him. "I have something to tell you" I said. "Shoot" he responded. "I'm bisexual". "Oh. Cool I guess". "You're okay with that?" "Well yeah...I know I say some pretty mean stuff about gay people sometimes but you're you and I'll try not to say 'that's so gay' and stuff anymore if it makes you pissed or whatever" I swear I was so happy at that moment I could have jumped up and down screaming. My mom and my brother accepted me for who I was. It was probably one of the best moments of my life. My mom later told my step-dad about my being bi because I kept putting it off. Apparently, he reacted well, and he hasn't made any homophobic comments (at least in front of me) since he found out. We mostly just acknowledge each other's existence anyways so there was no big crack in our familial bond because of it. So it's 4:08am now and my roomie is still impersonating a truck that won't start. So to Glee it is! I will continue my story of coming out to friends at a later date. Have a good one! Sorry my posts are so random and usually happening because of lack of sleep. I will update some stuff about life at some point soon, but for now here's an older poem, "Read More" to have a look.
Today was a fun-filled day. I am again up at 4 in the morning because my roommate is snoring. So I might as well be productive as long as I'm doing this nocturnal thing. So here are the events of my day leading up to this moment. This is what you're supposed to talk about on a blog right? I'm kind of treating this as a diary, but with less juicy details. Anyways...
As I stayed up until 9am yesterday (This morning) because...my roommate woke up at 9am...I didn't get up at 10am to get myself down to the mall and get my phone fixed. I instead slept in until 2:30pm. So once I got out of bed and showered I got myself down to said mall much later than I had originally intended. The journey was somewhat interesting... Firstly, you know how it's really awkward when you're walking the same direction as some random person for a long time? Well this guy was walking behind me for like, five blocks, and then when we both arrived at the mall, decided that would be the best time to hit on me. And what was his brilliant pick-up line? "You're hot." Yup. Freakin genius. And let me just say that I am the most awkward person to hit on ever. Ever. So my just as brilliant response was: "Sorry?" and his repetition of "You're hot" (sorry for all the paragraph breaks by the way but I'm sticking to the format I was taught in English class) I managed to stammer through another brilliant response to this, "Ummm....Thank you?" "So what are here for" he asked "I...my phone...needs to get fixed" "Oh so you're going to MTS?" "Yeah...." "Cool...What do you do?" "I'm a student" "Cool...You wanna chill for a bit?" "I'm actually into girls." Yup. That was my oh-so-intelligent way of squirming out of an uncomfortable situation. And techniquely, I didn't lie. I just left out the part where I was also into guys. And it's not like the guy wasn't good looking or anything, he was actually pretty damn hot. But if the best pick-up line you can come up with after following me for five blocks is "You're hot" you are not my type. Seriously, a little creativity would be nice. He kinda seemed like the type who was used to coasting by on his looks. Totally not my type. Anyways, his response to that was; "Oh so I guess we have something in common" "Yeah I guess" I said...and then I walked away. Because I am awkward. I'm gonna leave out my visit with MTS because it would involve a lot of profanities. As soon as I got home from the mall, I went to set up for Games Night. It was a good time. The alcohol flowed, the games were played, there was chatting and merriment all around. Huzzah! This was followed by going to a friends for a few drinks, and the bar for dancing. Dancing was fun....yup..........oh yes....so much fun................................................................................................................................Sorry my thoughts trailed off for a bit there. All you need to know is that I had lots of fun dancing. Have a good one! xoxo So I figured since I'm your resident poet, I should actually toss a poem on here every now and then. I haven't written anything new in a while, and I doubt I will anytime soon for reasons which range from being a University student, to more personal stuff that is occupying my mind. I have another site that I publish my poetry on, so when I'm going through a writer's block I'll toss an archieved poem from there onto here. I feel like you'd understand me better if you saw my earlier stuff before the stuff I'm writing more currently anyways. So "Read More" For a Blast from my past. It's the first poem I wrote that I was really happy with.
I should be sleeping right now. But I'm not because I live in dorms in a tiny box where my roommate, who snores very loud, sleeps roughly four feet away from me. I went to bed at three, it is now seven. I haven't gotten any sleep. So I'm gonna rant about Blue October for a bit because that's the somewhat mellow band I chose to listen to in order to attempt blocking out my roomie's snoring and put myself to sleep.
Really, I love Blue October. Their songs can be a little repetitive but other than that I have no issue with them. But there was one song that just pissed me off because it reminded me of my ex. (Yup, it's gonna be one of those blogs) Let's call him Bobby. Anyways the song that pissed me off was Calling You. For those of you unfamiliar with the song, the chorus consists of the lyris: "I will keep calling you to see If you're sleeping, are you dreaming If you're dreaming, are you dreaming of me I can't believe you actually picked me" Awwww, Sounds romantic right? Well its not. Its annoying. Bobby would call me hourly wanting to know what I was doing and who I was with. I actually had an argument with him because I refused to leave my phone on while I was sleeping. His side of the argument was "What if I need to know where you are?" My side was "I"m in bed genius, and I'd rather not wake up every time someone drunk texts me. You're not the only person with my number. Also I have a roommate who'd rather not wake up every time you're feeling insecure" Ok. Now that that's out of my system...I really shouldn't blog on no sleep. XOXO, T-Girl Ok! My first attempt at blogging! Actually not my first attempt...back when myspace was the thing all the cool kids were using I blogged a bit on there...but moving on!
I am T-girl, your resident poet. I'm obsessive compulsive (Seriously, don't make a mess or put my stuff back in the wrong spot. My head will explode.), I go insane or cry if I don't have access to music, I'm have mood swings and am overly emotional at times. Yet somehow Jack, Kris and Brett put up with me. I'm what a friend of mine calls a "speghetti brain" which means I jump from subject to subject and will go back to a subject I was talking about hours ago with no prompting. For the purpose of this blog I will try to be a little more on track. Let's dive into my interests in an organized and categorized fashion shall we? Music: I listen to everything. I have over 5000 songs on my iTunes which vary in genre from country to screamo. Movies: Again, I have varying taste. My favorite is probably Rent. I also love The Nightmare Before Christmas. I'm a geek and I love anything based on Marvel Superheros. I love the Italian Job, mainly because of Seth Green, but also because if you watch closely....there's a random shot of spiderman. I'm not even kidding. Go rent it. T.V. Shows: Supernatural, (Greatest show ever. Even without the homo-erotic subtext.) Glee,(Because it makes me squeal several times in an hour. And not in a sexy way. In an awesome way.) One Tree Hill, (This one is all Jack's fault.) Being Erica, (I just find it really unique and refreshing) Digimon (Kris, Brett and I are kinda obsessed with it). I'm also starting to get into Dexter and The Big Bang Theory. I'd like to watch more of these series, but I'm a university student so....yeah. Books: Carry Me Like Water by Benjamin Alire Saenz, (It's a really wonderful unique read. It was the first book I read that wasn't aimed at a pre-teen audience and it really opened up my eyes about living in poverty and other difficult circumstances. It was also the first book I read that had a homosexual couple in it, and didn't make fun their relationship.) Lamb by Christopher Moore, (It's a comedic take on the life of Jesus Christ from the point of view of his best friend, Biff. It's in no way a Christian fiction, nor does it overtly make fun of Christianity, it's just a fun comedy) The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton. (I had to read it in high school, and (with the exception of Shakespeare), It was the only thing I was forced to read that I liked.) Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. (This one just really spoke to me and touched me.) Webcomics: The Devils Panties, Least I Could Do, Looking For Group, Menage a 3, Questionable Content, Girls With Slingshots, Dr. McNinja, Khaos Komix, The Less Than Epic Adventures of TJ and Amal, Curvy, Girlyyy. If there's more I should talk about in my first blog, my brain refuses to think about it as it is now 2:49am and I have to go to sleep. So until next time! |
T-Girl
The one with estrogen. Bisexual, student, poet. Intrigued? Well good thing there's an entire blog for you to read then. Archives
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