Well I guess I should just write something instead of posting photo's. Trying to keep this an evenly ecclectic mix of my talents and whatnot. Is it just me or do the get like the loudest keyboards in the library just to allow people to know that there is some major typing going on over here? Like this can get annoying. Oh well. I won't write much as I have a meeting with my prof in just under an hour to discuss my Creative Writing Thesis. I really don't know what it is going to be about and really I am so worried about it. I know everyone says to write what you know and that honestly is getting old. How many times do I have to write about growing up and writing out cliche things like: "I always knew I was different." That kind of cocky and arrogant language is enough to piss me off. Like by some twist of fate I am the only gay person who had a hard time coming to terms with his own sexuality. BAH!!!
The next thing I could write about is something very personal to me. My mom. I know I said that she passed away, but I never mention how close me and my mom were. See I find it strange how there are people who can call their mom a bitch, I could never do that. It's been hard since she passed away. And the proximity of her passing is still quite fresh. And I think dwelling on it is hard for both of us. I've had three dreams where she came to visit me. I think it's because I can't put her memory down. Stuck walking this life with me because I'm frankly still hurting. A year since she passed is coming. I don't think that's the hardest part. I think Christmas is going to be hard. Last year, we all got to spend one last Christmas with her. And this one I'll be writing about her, in past tense and it's going to be hard. That is if I can pull myself up to doing it. But then there's this. I can write up a fiction piece. Chances are I'd end up using events from real life to disguise the truth. Then is that fiction? If I will myself to write the truth and be able to hide it as fiction. Again I'll be allowing myself to live a lie. Choices are so damn difficult!
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All these photo's are from the summer of 2009. Was a good one. Too bad I don't have many from this summer. Dunno where they are if I do have them though. But Enjoy! Colors of hair, and differences here and there! FUN FUN FUN! LoL The Blue Kimono was an interesting night... Kris never tipped me ;) "Are you going to stand there and make me cry? I don't mind because I love the way you lie!"11/28/2010 ha ha! Has anyone seen AMC's Walking Dead? I LOVE this show! so sad that there are only two more shows left until the series is over! I think that someone should have made a zombie show like this LONG time ago! But well I will swallow my medicine and take what I got so far and enjoy the ride. I don't know if that makes much sense to someone lol. Well I got to writing something today and thought that I should do myu thesis work as a work of fiction rather than a nonfiction piece. Just still so unsure of what I should write about. I keep thinking something on my mom and my family, but I doubt I will. The more I think about this thing I am beginning to like movies like REPO the Genetic Opera. Kinda fun eh? Oh well Walking dead is back on... :)
So I been off on my blog updates... and I don't think this one is going to be very long either. Well as far as music goes, i recorded a bit of a song last night, I was mashing together Hallelujah (orig. Leonard Cohen) and of course Evanescences CMWYS... and uhh safe to say: FAILURE! lately my endeavors feel like they are headed to nowhere, but thats normal, I'm usually not satisfied with my work. as of right now , my classes feel like they are on this line too! But starting tomorrow I will be working on my NonFiction class writing, and then the 20th british drama and then distopic fiction. But the last and hardest hurdle is my geology class... It's just so damn difficult! I attend my classes and end up giving it half my attention because the prof is so boring, and nervous just not enough to hold my attention! bah well... thats enough of class... I gotta give it my all soon enough! but well the way I want it to go down for the next two weeks is this, average one essay per week for distopic and 20th Century British Drama and then the Non Fiction assignments to be dispursed between the essay breaks. constant progress that will hopefully kick me into highgear into that busy is best technique I learned in High School... dunno why but in ELA is actually where i learned it! ha ha i unno.
And to mention music again, I am still in love with this Alexz Johnson album... Voodoo... it has a variety of vibes that isn't too far spread apart. I LOVE IT! soo sooooooo sooooooooooo much! hmm that and getting some of my drink on right now as I mend my woes. And maybe it'll kick my productivity into high gear with some good home cleanin! ha ha I HOPE! Maybe tomorrow I'll start with some laundry and essay writing. Especially now that we have a key to the laundry room and some loonies for the dryer! WEO! Well for now I guess this is enough, I'll write an entry worth reading another day. I hope :P So Music selection is big with me! Other people may not be interested much in the music I like, but well we all have our own tastes. But last night I finally loaded the 50 dollar gift card my dad got me and went into a late night frenzy! Before having enough music to nod off to I had downloaded quite a few Dido songs. Including Sand in My Shoes, White Flag, Stoned, Who Makes You Feel, Mary's in India, Life For Rent, Don't Leave Home and of course Thank You, Here With Me and No Angel! These songs were not enough to still my heart! Along with Dido I also sought out Evanescence's Open Door album. This album brought me to four songs by none other than Sarah McLachlan! These four being Elsewhere, Dear God, I Will Remember You and a song I have fallen in love with is her rendition of Rainbow Connection. Going with the flow of melodic tunes I went for the cover songs of Boyce Avenue. Songs that they cover I find have added a beautiful flow that makes these covers vastly different from the originals, for the most part. The covers I purchased were: No One/Tattoo/Where is the Love Medley (Alicia Keys, Jordin Sparks, Black Eyed Peas), Disturbia (Rihanna), Circus/Just Dance (Britney Spears, Lady Gaga), Love Lockdown (was it Kanye?), Everything (Vertical Horizon). And to bring back two of the greatest songs of the late 90's I had to download Closing TIme (Semisonic) and Sex and Candy (Marcy Playground)! These songs provided a nice sleep mix! And that is not where my iTunes splurge ends! Upon waking up I proceeded to buy Lisa Loeb's Stay, and Mercy and Stop by Duffy as I love songs that are quite reminiscent of the burlesque era! Now that I am near the last bit of money left on my iTunes I am now nearing the most up to date music purchase... Not many people I know listen to her but I fell in love with Alexz Johnson's music during her years starring in the Canadian tv series 'Instant Star"! And waaaay back in March she released a new album called Voodoo... How it has taken me THIS long to have downloaded it and give it a listen. I knew I would love it, so it was an impulse purchase that I had to take! And so far I am not disappointed! The songs are slightly different than all her other songs previously released, So far, it is also appealing to that light feeling I have associated with the burlesque era. Can I say HAPPY! This day is going GREAT!
So here's a preliminary recording of a breakup song that got me through a hard time. Some spots are a bit rough. This was my first time trying to go through with a full length song and by the time I got to this cut I had run my throat raw lol. This included my computer crashing and freezing a few times, and an ugly moment where I deleted the vocal track. The piano is an instrumenta track I found online as I haven't gotten far enough in my books and cd lessons yet. Maybe Christmas break will give me SOME time but I doubt it. Well it isn't the best example but it also isn't the worst either. Well it was a fun weekend, meeting with several people in the LGBT community around Brandon. This also includes a newcomer to Brandon, and I will say he is an interesting addition to the community. But I digress, it appears that there is so much to me that I must look into. Perhaps I should become a better person but I do not see why I should change who I am. I don't know really why I am the way I am. People I meet don't believe me when I warn them that I am an asshole, but I know I am and I do have a warning label with it too. I usually describe myself as such at some point when I meet new people. And on that note I am also the friend that you don't come to for heart to heart talks.
I don't know see on some levels I am that friend everyone seems to wish they had in theory. You know the honest friend who will tell you what you need to hear. However, my honesty seems to just push people away from me. And then that mixes in with my pessimistic view of people and just builds this worse image of people. So maybe help me out here dear reader, Is it really my blunt honesty that is the problem? Or the pessimistic outlook on people? Really it all built up from a childhood of bullying where this mistrust of people began. All that together grew into a dark form of humor, so that again may add to it. I dont know there was this quote I heard once that went along the lines of happiness is knowing how to take pain and laugh. You can't know me for years and then just expect me to change. I changed for a person once and that didn't turn out right. It just made me depressed. It made me begin to resent the people around me and I grew bitter. If how I am when I am mildly depressed or "happy" is bad enough, then there are so many other cruelties I can inflict. There may not be much logical sense here. To those who know me, this may not answer your questions. But I got a text today that broke my heart. I have had friends so something for me that broke my heart. Acts of kindness hurt me as much as they make me happy. I am unsure if I have any meaning anymore. Kris T and Brett, There is a lot of pain that I have been hiding and I am not sure if it has been showing. My dad rrecently reminded me that I should be taking care of myself and that I can't keep to myself. He's glad that I have friends like you out here. And the truth is so am I. I may not be able to articulate the idea of having friends and the joys that you all bring to me. I am not an easy person to love, and I am not an easy person to be able to show love in a platonic sense. Platonic love I find is harder to articulate because there are different bonds to bridge to someone. It's a kind of trust that is built that has to last longer than any sensual relationship that I have had. So far in my life my friends have had to endure more than any of my boyfriends have. No offense to MP who picked me up when I was down, but I think that somewhere it was me that was too much for him. And on looking into my blog entries I also noticed that I list myself as a well rounded artist and haven't posted any of my work yet, I also have been stating that this is a collaborative blog about being queer, artists (vague interpretive term) and also about life. I will eventually post my work, but first and foremost I want you all to understand who I am, bit by bit before you can begin to see my world. My heart and soul go into my work piece by piece. To end this: I miss my mom. So I'm going to get personal with this one again. But nothing heavy of the burdens sort. I guess it delves into the complaint department. Or not. Well I know I am not the best in scheduling stuff but this is how this Thursday came into being. A couple weeks ago a friend, I will call Em, asked if I would acompany her to a play that we both have/want to see for class (separate classes BTW). I agreed, so that leaves me with a 1:00 PM plan. Check. While being a tthe play Em then mentions that her plan for a girls movie night is falling through mostly because of the weather (IT'S SNOWING :D) and I mention that I love movies, this she took as a hint and actually a movie night with Em sounds awesome nonetheless. More on tha tin a bit. And because I have been sick all week I put off a doctors appointment for results on a blood test I had last week, but because my old cell phone was the contact number for me, they ended up calling my dad. He was in crisis mode all morning worrying over me and a doctors call but couldn't get a hold of me because I was still knocked out from a large shot of NyQuil I had taken the night before. So that is what I did after running home after the play (about 3:30 - 3:45 PM ish) and had a quick bite to eat (a small bowl or a large coffee cup full of cereal) took my meds and then watched that episode of Jean Simmons Family Jewels where Tracy tasers her daughters friends(?) mom. So 4:45 me and Chris left the apartment to go to the clinic where my good ol' doctor freaked me out by saying I was a very sick boy. Turns out that I just have to increase my efforts to reduce my blood glucose levels by 4% at least and everything else seems normal. Whereas before I believe my urine wasn't as clean as the tests have proven it to be now (WOOO!) and there was no concern over my cholesterol levels (WOO!) and all my other important levels (I.E. Vitamin B12 Iron, Proteins and the like) are A OK! So I left there quite relieved! And to celebrate the good news me and Chris went for Wendy's. Ok I know fast food isn't healthy, but I on occaision go for a burger and keep my fast food visits (excluding TIm Horton's and Subway) limited to one month.
Ok before everyone goes on to an anti caffeine rant, I actually find that coffee helps with my diabetes. The energy boost keeps me on my feet and in motion so HA! And well as for Subway (sure boo-urns on the starches in the bread) I love sandwiches and as far as their whole wheat options and of course the wide variety of options they have, how can no one love it? (celiacs and other allergies need not answer I understand the medical restrictions!) Now back to my event filled Thursday! So supper is done, and I have a SERC Coffee House to attend which also went at the same time as Em's Girls movie night. So I opted for one without the other as Em's movie night with Nachos already began (*tear*) and hung out at Forbidden Flavors on 18th. Ok now for the two additions to this day. On tuesday my Prof told me about a cast party I can drop by on, and well that is at 10, and I figure I can stop by and say my hello's and introduce myself and then sweep out with the good bye I have to go do some work with the volunteer group I am a part of (not a lie) then go over to the LGBTTQ Collective office and partake in the banner making for the Bar Night on Saturday. AM I GOOD OR WHAT! YEAH! I kick Boo-Tay! heh heh I just really hope I get some sleep tonight. Before 12 AM. Oh SNAP! I gotta run TTYL! and MUCH LOVE!!!! |
Jack BeaverhausenI am a contradiction! An artist with eclectic taste and blunt honesty! Archives
February 2011
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