So tonight has gotten so much BETTER! Felt well enough to venture out of the apartment and go to the University. However, I was starting to feel fatigue and decided against class but handed in an assignment and had a quick chat with my prof. But on the good news side (even MORE!) I had managed to attend a collective meeting (where I got to pet hold and LOVE a puppy named Bruno!) and Tam bought me Supper so that was AMAZING! (Even though the burger was not as advertized) But I am not going to complain, 3 and a half days in my apartment sick and mostly in bed I was getting cabin fever! Now to explain that photo.... even more GREAT news! Kris came over and dropped off the NyQuil she offered aaaand included Orange Juice, Kleenex (BRAND!!!!) couple types of Soup. So in celebratory style I served up my NyQuil in a shot glass! So while I wait for it to work its drowsy cold symptom Miracles, I am updating le Blog! Although I think I am more in the mood to play some Beatles RockBand. Ahh Life is Looking up!!! I think starting tomorrow I will begin to tackle those two research essays I have to do by December! Now about this... Tastier NyQuil... I understand the classic cherry flavor buuuuut.... I don't really care for its easier to swallow taste. I liked NyQuil the way it was before! The whole point of the NyQuil experience for me was that you can FEEL it begin to work immediately! *sigh* Well I have also been mentioning that lately I have been drawing and this is an attempt to work towards that webcomic that Kris wants to try. However, I have never done comics before and to successfully draw the same character in two different but recognizable poses and expressions is kind of proving difficult! Really frustrating! Well to be honest I have also been trying to do one as a solo project on my life between breaking up with ID and before the 2009/10 school year. Kinda fails right now. Oooh that is stealthy! I can begin to feel that soothing calming effect of the new nyquil formula! It's giving me hope that I will be feeling better SOON! Ahh I think I will lay back and listen to some Michelle Featherstone music! She right now is my Sarah McLachlan replacement until I can get an album going here! Also if anyone is reading this, I would LOVE it if you commented and gave me some music recommendations! and DON'T leave out musical showtunes either! Hmm ok I think what I will do eventually is post a list of some of the artists I enjoy and have on my iTunes! (Awww I miss my iPod... I lost it this summer while working back home! :( *tear* ) This is your new blog post. Click here and start typing, or drag in elements from the top bar.
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Ok well I know maybe I should stop with all the blog writing and make the best of this sick time in bed. But well it isn't so. That and am I the only one here who is quite into Gossip Girl? Well Today I managed to get caught up in my Big Bang Theory, One Tree Hill and I have my last episode of Gossip Girl loading. I guess maybe I could have just watched this episode on tv tonight. But like I keep sayin I am sick and keeping my time outside of my bedroom to a possible minimum, and for it my roomie seems to be on the more healthy side of life and not as bad as me. BTW out of tissue paper and am now blowing my nose with paper towel. My nose and upper lip are dryer than Vince the ShamWow Guy's comedy. I have a deadline tomorrow for my creative nonfiction, and this may require me typing up a manuscript tonight and going over to the uni sometime tomorrow to hand it in. If I am still sick, then the chances of me going to class and an LGBTTQ Collective meeting are rather slim. Maybe I will just suck it up and go. Also have to check my class thingies and check the due dates on tests and assignments. WOO! so fun I guess... Oh and that reminds me I sometime this week have to go to the doctors for a reason not related to my cold. FUN TIMES! well from the bed of this sick boy... Good Night!
so it's 3:30 in the morning and I have just noticed that we have all updated our blogs. And I again, the fourth time tonight? Am updating again. The coughing is keeping me awake and I am just realizing that perhaps I should have went to the pharmacy for some NyQuil. ugh! This has gotten me feeling miserable but trying to be productive here. So I tried some writing and got little in the area of poems/lyric writing. Strange how there are three of us into songwriting. But whatever, Like I said I'm the artist in the group and my artforms vary. But I Like to think that I am quite the anti geek in the group. I'm not into comics, but rather enjoy writing whenever it goes my way. I kinda like reading, but dont really like it when the class reading lists are like HUGE, as they seem to be this semester. It's only going to get worse. Whatever I also have to buckle down it is halfway through November and I should be getting into my end of term research papers and studying Our Dynamic Earth like a madman if I ever want to pass the class with something more impressive than a ... d? ok maybe a C if I'm lucky. I curse the idea of the Liberal Education Requirements right now! I think i bombed the midterm, but am hoping for a good sized curve for that exam right now. Also hoping like last time I am on the upper part of that curve. I barely remember taking the exam to be honest. I travelled into town the night before and made feeble night time attempts to study but that was a bust. So when it came to getting home it was at 7AM and then a two hour sleep and a class at 10:40 where a reading test was done, that I barely remember and I don't think it made much sense, since I felt a footnote was required.
But onwards and upwards! Does anyone else keep their fortune cookie fortunes? I try to, sometimes I am successful. But whenever I have them out of home I tend to lose them before I get home. So to make it all up I buy them from the Superstore in bulk and then me and my roomie have a good laugh adding "in bed" to the ends of them. It's been a while. And as I was laying in the dark a little while ago I was thinking that whenever I find a muse to get into making a video, I was thinking if I could do a music video for Brett. I guess I could discuss it with him first, but I imagine that the venture would benefit us both. Me artistically as a video editor and of course include him for his acting, musical and even artistic insight into the videography. Have I ever mentioned in this thing that I am also a video artist? Sure I must have... Well as for writing, I have a huge school project to write. On advice from my prof, I should write a piece on my late mom. Since most of what I have been writing lately has had focus on her. Well there are two common recurring themes really. One is my mom. The other is on being gay. I feel that I am digging myself a grave already. Kind of like an actor being typecasted. I should try and branch out and find some other central focus. I should also go into the kitchen and make myself a nice hot cup of tea! Anyways as far as my musical talents go, I would say I barely have any. Some people tell me I'm good at singing, but really I don't know if I am. I hear myself and I keep thinking it's not good enough. Well I guess I could say that you can be the judge and post a cover I did of Call Me When You're Sober by Evanescence. IF i feel comfortable enough with it though. The version I have online so far I am not comfortable with as it... well... I just am not quite happy with it. Gah well! For now... who knows. Maybe I'll update in an hour... a Week? I dunno! Oh and for more updates... some may be comical or strange or constant and everyday and/or outright strange, follow me on twitter @japetagon Ok so now that I got the story of Losses and Boyfriends past done, lol on to some better things. When I get them lol right now I am sick in bed and well, not feeling too cheery at the moment. But am drawing and with all the blogging I been doing hopefully that got a lot of the mind clutter out of the way so I can get to some class work! so here's to hoping I'll feel better soon and to
So this part isn't really an anecdote as the others were. I won't stop my search for love. Perhaps I will find it. But right now I think its in my best interest that I not be active in this search for now. I'll leave it up to the spirits to decide if I am to have a partner. The gift of love is something I believe that is not given to those who seek it but to those who the spirits find are worthy of it. So what is the tragedy here? I think that the loneliness of all my losses up to now has affected me so much that I can no longer function as the person I used to be. I think the biggest tragedy is that eventually I will move on.
So since May of 2009 I have suffered four significant losses. And before I begin this, I should mention the dynamic of my family. The idea of family is fluid and the numbers of relatives fluxuate rapidly, this happening by close bonds to people, an interaction that slightly resembles an adoption of sorts. I find it hard to explain as the act of it has been a natural act throughout my life. When I was young I had two sets of parents. One were my biological parents and the other was my aunt and uncle whom I just called mommy and daddy. Now when my uncle passed away from cancer, my dad helped take care of his children. Being there for them and having resources available to them as they grew older.
The first loss of the year was the youngest of these siblings was my brother Lil' T. He was older than me. As I understand the situation was that he was dying from a type of cancer that was working the opposite way from Leukemia. Instead of having too many white blood cells working against the body he had too few. I remember getting a phone call on the road home from Saskatchewan while working on a project that he was medivac'ed out and (almost) everyone was heading to Winnipeg. When the bus pulled into the Ponton station I sat there on the boardwalk and stared at the Highway 6 South and thought, If I took what money I have left for a bus ticket I could wait for the next bus to come through. I could be in Winnipeg by the next morning. I think now, that I should have done it. I could have been there to be with him in his last days. Instead I was at work when my boss/aunt broke the news to me. Skip a few months into early October. A friend I made in my days at UCN committed suicide. I don't know the details and honestly I don't want to. Sometimes I still find it hard to remember that she's gone. I was recently working at the school where her kids attend. I can empathize with that loss. At least by the time I was working there. Now this is the hardest one to tell. Keeping with the order of time, January 15th me and other members of The Quill were enroute to Edmonton to attend the National Conference for the Canadian University Press (or simply called NASH). The last text message I got from my mom that night was to keep eachother awake and travel safely and keep in touch. And that she loves me. Three days later the morning of January 18th my mom passed away in her Winnipeg apartment. I blacked out so some of the events in Edmonton are a blurr. All I know for sure is that I was rushed to Calgary where I was to meet my brother N. The biggest question I asked myself in those 253KM's to Calgary was, How do I tell my brother that our mom passed away? With thanks to the Muchipunowin Program, arrangements were made so that me and my brother could make it back to Manitoba. The afternoon of the 19th, me and my brother arrived at Receiving Terminal A in the Winnipeg International Airport.On the 20th, I witnessed one of the most spiritual moments of my life. An Eagle flew past our hotel room at the Quest Inn in the downtown area of Winnipeg. Seeing an eagle in January is extremely rare. We then drove with our mom home from Winnipeg. Not many families do this anymore. And two weeks later, after being in the hospital for at least four months and on my return back to my Brandon Apartment, my grandmother Nora passed away. It was her families decision to cremate her remains. As far as I know it was a close family ceremony. I lost a sibling, a friend, a parent and a grandparent all within a year. As I stand right now I am afraid that I will crack under the emotional But before I end this entry, there is one crucial detail I should mention. When I met M. M came into my life after all this turmoil. It was a relationship that didn't last very long. Was strong in the month of March, and I began to grow onto him emotionally. Something over the Summer I can only assume that wasn't reciprocated with him. The break up didn't hurt so much, but what hurt the most was the manner in which the break up happened. I was never told that we were broken up. I have hung around with him twice since we broke up, and I can understand that we aren't going to get back together.I don't think I have much of a problem with that. I just need time with this one as well. I after all did get emotional with this one. In my first year of University I met ID. At first I didn't care for him. But the first year of university is usually out to look at a new world. A world where gay people exist, was something that aroused my curiosity. I never knew a gay person that was trustworthy before. I did meet others and well, I never got along with them before this point. I always saw ID as someone full of life, and never as the darker truth. My friend Mel was right about him, and in a sense right about me. That ID was a broken boy, and I was attracted to broken people. I just wish that I wasn't so broken myself. A childhood of bullying and suicide plots and one attempt did damage to the adult I am. It took me a long time to tell him that I cared for him. Week nights of hanging out and watching episodes of Sex and the City, drinking shots and experimenting with Salviat, I had it in my best of intentions on telling him. But the school year came to an end and I left University for the summer.
So when it came time that I told him I liked him, wasn't even done by me. I was at Mel's when she finally took my phone after listening to me pine about a boy. She told him. Being at home for the summer made me realize that I had that attraction to someone else. Did I love him? I was unsure at the moment, but I believed it. He had agreed to take me on a date when we got back to school in the fall. Something that we never got to, but I'll explain soon enough. A month after I got back home my Grandmother Sarah passed away. I was much closer to my moms family so this had a bigger effect on me. When I got back to school, I was still hurtting from the loss and cancelled our date. I made it in school for about a month until I finally cracked under the pressure and my brothers constant drinking. The depression became too much and over night I dropped out of school and began packing. The last time I saw him there we had exchanged gifts. I gave him a book he said was his favorite (Of Mice and Men - Steinbeck) and he gave me a jar of marbles (of which I have three left). By and by we kept talking, but as corny as it sounds there was not a day that passed that I thought of him. But in the depression I did nothing for two months but stayed in my room. Two months of that first year were spent in my room and I barely ate. My mom often checked up on me, making sure I was alive and well. There were times that suicide was so tempting. On my bedside table there stayed the marbles. One day I knocked it over. It wasn't until a few days later that I finally picked up the pieces of glass and as many of the marbles as i could find. The decision was that it was a sign to let him go. At the end of the third month I bagan work as a substitute teacher at an elementary/Highschool. From January until around May. I applied for a job with the Band, this didn't last too long. So I went back to work at another school. Here my mom handed me this application form that came to the school. It was a call for Aboriginal artists interested in video. I applied and later got a call back. I was put on a waiting list, if any of the two backed out I would get a call. Lucky for me, they couldn't get a hold of one. I would spend a whole month in the summer in Winnipeg! As excited as I was, I had to tell ID. It was a little over a year at that point since I last saw him. I was making a chance to see him, and when I did I knew that those feelings survived. That fall I didn't return to Brandon. I stayed back home and took classes at the University College of the North. I made some new friends here and became closer to old ones as well. But me and ID had made keeping in touch more regular, and I told him I loved him regularily. He often told me not to, but I'm stubborn. The feeling grew strong and he eventually told me he did care for me, just didn't know whether to trust the feeling. Then June 8, 2008 came along. Four days prior I had went on a three day canoe trip from Norway House to Cross Lake. I was invited along to document the trip on video and later edit the project and create a dvd, the project was completed. But when the trip was over, me and my parents went on a quick trip to Winnipeg. This was also Winnipeg Pride weekend, but I didn't stay for the festivities. That Sunday however, as I was leaving Kris, ID and company were on their way into Winnipeg. Two and a half years of being shot down by ID he finally sent me a text message at 8:15 in the morning. He finally asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend. I said I loved him, and said yes. That was the longest summer of my life. I made the arrangements with Brandon University to see if I can return. And then me And ID decided that we would live together. We lived together, and were happy. Shared the same bed for five months. I do not wish to divulge the personal information of us. I do not wish any ill upon ID. It probably isn't much of a shock to anyone that on some very basic level I still love him. But to match that love, I do have a disdain for him as well. But that is my own regret to live with as it was I who ended the relationship. Remember when I said that I suffer depression? Well it was that same heavy depressive state that had caused the break up. For about two maybe three days I had entered a manic state and it took a toll on me. I should have sought help rather than try and take it on myself. I should have said something when I first felt the symptoms of a relapse. Maybe then I could have saved our relationship. I will never know. But by the time I snapped out of it, it was really too late. I tried to fix the damage, but my efforts were pointless. At first we managed to get along. Lived in the same house, but then I was made uncomfortable in what was our home. Sure I was invited to watch movies with him and his friend (she chose sides when we broke up), but she gave me glares and he wouldn't speak to me. I was just invited to sit with them, anything else was un-necessary. We agreed to be friends, but that was not held. I saw him this year. At Winnipeg Pride. With his boyfriend. I won't say it didn't hurt. But it was nice to know that we both could move on, as I was with my boyfriend at that time. I wish I could have said something to him. Nothing bad, but let him know I am happy for him. I doubt he would care though. But well it was a long story to make, but it was also a flawed one. Nothing is perfect. I knew at a young age that I was gay, or at least had an interest in boys. When the other boys in my grade began taking notice of girls and talked of having a girlfriend, something else caught my attention. In seventh grade a boy transferred in late in the semester. He I will call, D. Now when I first saw D, he was a tall and skinny boy. I think what really grasped my attention was that he, like me, wore glasses. I don't know why that of all things would grasp my attention. But I also remember seeing that there were several birthmarks around his face. But at the moment I never understood that the captivation with this boy was a crush. I then just kept my head down and stayed with the dry pages of a book, or creating with the tip of a pen in the margins of my notebook.
It wouldn't be until Highschool, the first day of Grade nine that I grasped the concept of attraction. Halfway through grade eight I had relocated to another town because of bullying. But in those months of my absence, I began taking time to explore people and myself. I learned that there were people out there who can accept me for who I am, but at this point this was just that I wasn't the 'Norm'. The next thing was that I knew that I had began to notice I had an attraction to boys and girls. It wasn't of course until that first day of school when I noticed that that captivation was a crush. As the fates would decide, I would share my grade 9 locker with D. Now I was afraid of being gay at the time so I tried all my best to crush that attraction. But Highschool is a long four years, and having a friendship with D was an interesting one. Grade 9 we shared a locker and that itself brought up interesting conversations based on objects we both stored in there. That year we both joined an extra-curricular Drama class. For me it was a general interest and for him, an extra credit. There's a rule I was always warned about when I came out to friends. "Don't fall for a straight boy." I already knew it was too late. Grade 10 rolled around and we already began a battle of wits with eachother. Who could get higher marks in science? Who knew better literary quotes? There never seemed to be an answer to that. At the time I believed that it was rational not to fall in love with anyone in Highschool. But I had a good idea of it, and began to understand unrequited love. "Never fall for a straight boy." I loved D. In Grade 11, he and a girl I will call Em began dating. At first I was ok with them. I knew me and him would never happen. I always figured I had a rational mind, and control over something as irrational as love. But when I began to suspect Em knew I had feelings for D, she began to dangle him in front of me. As if she were showing me something I could never have. The hurt I experienced at this moment made me realize I had to forget him. Grade 12 was a slightly lonely year. In Grade 12 I made a somewhat successful attempt to divide the friend I had from the person I loved. And this got worse, when my Grandmother Betsy died. I wasn't close with that part of my family, but that doesn't mean I never loved my grandmother. Heartache plagued me that year. Not for the first time. ugh... Don't you hate cold and flu season? Well I don't get sick often, but right now I think my throat is starting to flare up a bit. Feeling scratchy. So I am back in bed. Window covered because if I am sick, seeing either a sunny day or a gloomy day is just going to make me feel worse. If it's a false alarm then like a wrapped gift taking off the sheet will be like a nice SURPRISE! But for now I guess I'll venture on to watch some movies. I guess that's something I really am into. Movies. I love to make videos. I'm an amateur video artist and photographer, although my still camera is broken which totally SUCKS! But as the video thing goes I also try to make movies from time to time. Often never flies because I also try to work with friends who have schedules as busy as mine and can never seem to have openings.
I guess people can hate me for it, but I honestly don't care, it also may speak volumes about me but my favorite movie has to be Cruel Intentions. And not just for Ryan Philipes bum either! His Character Sebastian Valmont isn't bad... His sexy suave attitude and well Philipe is hot, makes watching him enjoyable. But pairing him alongside Sarah Michelle Gellar as Kathryn Mertuile sells the movie and makes viewing pleasureable! *Several Hours Later...* Ok so I fell asleep while writing. And forgot I was writing it when I woke up. But as I was, yup definately sick. Stayed in bed cooked and ate watched some simpsons for a bit but am back in bed. TTFN So I'm back. Found myself cleaning my kitchen today as a friend was over. It all started with a nightmare of me becoming a hoarder. Admittedly it is a fear of mine that some day I will snap and find myself seeking solace in keeping stuff. So when I woke up and saw that my apartment was a filth hole, no seriously filthy... I began cleaning. But yet because I often lack focus... the apartment is still messy, but at least the kitchen and bathroom are a step to being cleaner. I'll also need to go to the laundry mat soon. Don't want another $30 trip again. That was just too much work for what I like to think of as a leisurely task of doing laundry. Love taking my WebBook with me to the Laundromat. Sometimes I even get good ideas to write about. I also find it weird that throughout today that I haven't listened to music. It's been one of those nice Sunday-ish days, sure its Thursday but well the spirit of the idea was present ALL day :).
I think I may even start tackling the living room soon. And it may prove successful too if I borrow my roomies iPod and jam to some Everly or perhaps even some SohoDolls. OH that reminds me, I also am quite into SohoDolls and other Burlesque inspired music. That lil jazzy feel and then the saucy lyrics... it's all so fun! hmm and Victorian fashions... I think men should like always wear suits. ok not ALWAYS. But it just looks nice. and hot. and uhhh... what was I talking about again? I wonder how tonight is going to be... Sounds like the neighbors downstairs are going to have a lil party. Oh well. OnWard Ho! |
Jack BeaverhausenI am a contradiction! An artist with eclectic taste and blunt honesty! Archives
February 2011
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