Well it was a fun weekend, meeting with several people in the LGBT community around Brandon. This also includes a newcomer to Brandon, and I will say he is an interesting addition to the community. But I digress, it appears that there is so much to me that I must look into. Perhaps I should become a better person but I do not see why I should change who I am. I don't know really why I am the way I am. People I meet don't believe me when I warn them that I am an asshole, but I know I am and I do have a warning label with it too. I usually describe myself as such at some point when I meet new people. And on that note I am also the friend that you don't come to for heart to heart talks.
I don't know see on some levels I am that friend everyone seems to wish they had in theory. You know the honest friend who will tell you what you need to hear. However, my honesty seems to just push people away from me. And then that mixes in with my pessimistic view of people and just builds this worse image of people. So maybe help me out here dear reader, Is it really my blunt honesty that is the problem? Or the pessimistic outlook on people? Really it all built up from a childhood of bullying where this mistrust of people began. All that together grew into a dark form of humor, so that again may add to it. I dont know there was this quote I heard once that went along the lines of happiness is knowing how to take pain and laugh. You can't know me for years and then just expect me to change. I changed for a person once and that didn't turn out right. It just made me depressed. It made me begin to resent the people around me and I grew bitter. If how I am when I am mildly depressed or "happy" is bad enough, then there are so many other cruelties I can inflict. There may not be much logical sense here. To those who know me, this may not answer your questions. But I got a text today that broke my heart. I have had friends so something for me that broke my heart. Acts of kindness hurt me as much as they make me happy. I am unsure if I have any meaning anymore. Kris T and Brett, There is a lot of pain that I have been hiding and I am not sure if it has been showing. My dad rrecently reminded me that I should be taking care of myself and that I can't keep to myself. He's glad that I have friends like you out here. And the truth is so am I. I may not be able to articulate the idea of having friends and the joys that you all bring to me. I am not an easy person to love, and I am not an easy person to be able to show love in a platonic sense. Platonic love I find is harder to articulate because there are different bonds to bridge to someone. It's a kind of trust that is built that has to last longer than any sensual relationship that I have had. So far in my life my friends have had to endure more than any of my boyfriends have. No offense to MP who picked me up when I was down, but I think that somewhere it was me that was too much for him. And on looking into my blog entries I also noticed that I list myself as a well rounded artist and haven't posted any of my work yet, I also have been stating that this is a collaborative blog about being queer, artists (vague interpretive term) and also about life. I will eventually post my work, but first and foremost I want you all to understand who I am, bit by bit before you can begin to see my world. My heart and soul go into my work piece by piece. To end this: I miss my mom.
1 Comment
Kris
11/22/2010 07:45:41 am
I <3 you babe, you know that though dont you. But do you know I love you so freaking damned much. I ache when you ache love.
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Jack BeaverhausenI am a contradiction! An artist with eclectic taste and blunt honesty! Archives
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